How to talk with children about death?
In times like these, when almost every person in the world need to deal with terrorism, fears, anxieties, and grief. The subject of death rises, and often quite often, how do children talk about death? What to say is simple, saying "Mom is dead", how to say, what children's responses to watch, how to respond to any question and their response - it requires planning, though, and great faith in the children's mental strength. And they have.
When a close relative dies, like a mother or father, a brother or sister, a grandfather or grandmother, or another relative, it is difficult for parents to know how to help the children cope with the loss. How children understand the meaning of death depends on their age, their life experiences and the unique personality of each child. But there are some points that should be taken into account anyway.
Talk in terms of the child
Be honest with the children and encourage them to ask questions. True, you may not have all the answers but it is important to create a safe and open atmosphere, to convey the message that there is no "right" or "wrong" in how the child feels and that there is no concealment of information. If the child asks, will I die too? Will Daddy die, too? At the young age, he answers, "No, it happened to my mother only because she was very ill and we are healthy and it will not happen to us." This is not the place to talk to the finality of all animals.
Until the age of 5 or 6 children treats the world very literally, so it is desirable to explain death in basic and concrete terms. If for example, Grandmother was sick and died, it can be explained that her body had stopped working and that the doctors had not been able to fix it. If someone dies suddenly, in a car accident, for example, you can explain what happened, and because of this very sad case, the body of the deceased has stopped functioning. You can say that "dying" or "death" means the body stops working.
Children at this age are still difficult to understand that all people and all living things will eventually die, and when that happens it is final and they will not return. So even if you explained this, the child may continue to ask where the grandfather is and when he will return. Even if it is frustrating and feels as if the child does not understand the explanation, they continue to return calmly and patiently to the fact that Grandfather is dead and that he can not return.
Try not to tell the children that your grandfather / father / mother "went" or "died" or "went to bed" or "in the sky". Because the thinking of small children is very verbal, they may be afraid to go to sleep or get anxious when someone "goes" from home. Even when you say they are in the sky, children may be afraid that an airplane passing through the sky will hurt their beloved mother or grandmother. And maybe one day they got out of there.
In addition, sometimes children's questions sound deeper than they really are, that is, you can interpret their questions quite incorrectly than they intended. For example, when a 5-year-old asks where a dead person is now, he probably will not ask whether there is life after death. His curiosity can be satisfied by telling him "he is now in a cemetery." However, if you have beliefs about life after death or paradise, you can take this opportunity to share your thoughts with your child. If you do not want to tell the young child that people are buried in the ground, then he will ask, "So how does he breathe? where is it? We do not know. Only a dead person gets there. And if the girl asks, "And what will happen to me now?" She does not mean her existential / existential existence, but who will take her from kindergarten to her every morning
Children ages 6 to 10 begin to understand the finality of death, even if they do not realize that it is something that happens to every living thing someday. A nine-year-old may think that if he makes a wish or prays, his grandmother / mother / sister will not die. Sometimes children at these ages "man" death and think of it as a "monster" or a ghost. In such cases, it is possible to help them deal with death by providing them with simple, accurate, clear and honest explanations of what happened. You can always say that the dead person remains in our hearts and minds, and we can always remember him and see his / her pictures, but we will not really see him live next to us.
As children get older, they begin to realize that every human being dies in the end, regardless of grades, behavior, wishes, or anything else they try to do. When adolescents understand that death is developing, questions about mortality and vulnerability may arise. For example, if your 16-year-old son's best friend was killed in a car accident, your son may be deterred from driving a car for a certain period. The best way to respond to this is to find empathy about how much the friend's accident and death are sad and frightening. It may also be a good opportunity to talk to your son about how he can keep himself, for example never to get into a car with a driver who drank and always wear a seatbelt.
Unlike young children, adolescents tend to seek more meaning in the death of someone close. When your teenage daughter asks why someone has to die, she probably does not seek practical explanations about drugs and illnesses, but she begins to explore the meaning of life (exactly what is not in young ages). Sometimes adolescents experience guilt, especially if they experience the death of their peers. No matter what your adolescent children experience on this subject, the best thing you can do is encourage them to express and share their grief.
Is it right to take children to the funeral?
It depends on you and your child. You decide on young children and you decide whether you want to take them or not. In addition, you know your child and if he is sensitive or is too close - it is better not to take them. You can also ask the children a sincere and genuine question: "Do you want to come or would rather not?" I met nine- and seven-year-old brothers whose mother had died and the widowed father asked his sons if they wanted to come to the cemetery for the funeral. The old man said that he had not, and the young man said yes, and Father answered that their decision was the right one for them. They did not talk about it for the next 24 hours and on the afternoon of the funeral the eldest son informed his father that he would come. "Are you sure?" His father asked him, "because you really do not have to." It is worthwhile to share children in mourning ceremonies, but first, explain to the child what happens at the funeral, at the memorial service, and then let them decide if they want to come.
What to explain to children about a funeral or memorial service? It is possible to explain to the child that the body of the deceased person is placed in the ground. For children who are about 7 years old, who already have an abstract thinking ability, one must say that the dead person no longer exists. Whose body no longer functions and does not contain the soul of who he was. Maybe other people will talk and people will cry. You can share your child's religious or spiritual beliefs about death and explain the course of the ceremony.
If you fear that your own grieving will make it difficult for you to care for a child during the funeral, you can ask someone close to escort the child and focus on him during the funeral.
Still, you can not know how you will behave and feel. Choose someone you and your child love and trust, someone who can leave the funeral area if the child wants to move away.
I saw several children of different ages coming to their mother's funeral. There were those who stood close to Father and he only stroked them and the little ones who were friends of the parents who kept them and they ran among the tombstones, talked, got sweets, got on their shoulders to see better and actually did not understand the meaning of this terrible mourning. Everything is normal in this case, in terms of children's coping and behavior.
Pay attention to their signs
Many parents are afraid to expose their children to their personal grief, pain, and tears, but there is no need to fear it. When you show children that you are crying too, you teach them that crying is a natural response to emotional pain and loss, and your exposure can help them share their feelings with you. However, it is important to convey the message that no matter how sad you are, you can still take care of your family and give your child a safe place.
Children do not always face or exhibit their grief as adults. A young child can react to a message in a hyperactive rage. An adolescent can express his pain in nervous and sensitive behavior and more comfortable sharing his feelings with a friend or girlfriend. No matter how they react - do not take it personally. Remember that learning how to deal with the pain of loss, like dealing with other physical, mental or emotional tasks, is a process.
In any case, pay attention to the signs that the child or adolescent signifies that they need help in coping with the loss of someone close. If a child's behavior changes radically, for example, a child who is generally relaxed suddenly becomes an angry, introverted, or anxious child, or if his or her grades fall sharply, it is best to seek advice and help.
Parents can not always protect their children from sadness or loss, but helping a child cope with these feelings helps him build internal emotional resources and resources that he can use all his life.
Usually, when we explain something, we also manage to understand it better after that.
I was born and lived my whole life in Israel. The exposure of those who live in Israel to death cases is quite large compared to the rest of the world. At the age of 18-21, everyone boy in Israel must serve in the army. in these age groups, all of them are still children - We have to start dealing with a new reality.
Most of us are exposed to things that no normal parent would want to expose his children to.
Images via Pixabay.com
This is a very thought provoking post, some wise advice on the subject of death and how to deal with explaining it to children. I can relate to this, my Mother passed away a year ago exactly on Friday - and I had to try and explain this to my then 6 year old son. It was a little easier because she had been unwell for many years, so he had become used to us visiting her in hospital or nursing homes - I think he had realised she was unwell so when she passed it was not so much of a shock. He dealt with it well, and he carried me a little for it because the death of a parent is tough situation however old you are. Your last paragraph means alot to me as well, it is easy to get used to life where you live - and maybe not think so much about how hard it can be in other countries. Thank you for sharing, and God bless you and your family.
My condolences for your mother's death.
I agree with you, your mother's situation was not so sudden.
It is also easier for us to accept everything when it is done gradually rather than abruptly
Thank you very much for the response and sharing of your experiences
It always helps, I like to read your comments. You really respond to posts with respect
As a follower of @followforupvotes this post has been randomly selected and upvoted! Enjoy your upvote and have a great day!
Thank you very much for your help in the community