How to separate

We would like to think of relationships as eternal, but that is not the truth.
Every relationship, even one that is forever sworn in,
ends (and if life does not end it then death ...).
The end of the relationship usually seems to us as a final point, something that is not an integral part of the context itself, but my personal and professional experience has taught me that it is not so - parting is part of the relationship, and even a very important part.
In fact, the separation usually reflects with great accuracy the nature of the relationship itself and the way it occurs will determine more than anything else how the relationship will be preserved within us - as a negative experience that will make it difficult for us to develop good relationships in the future; Or as a positive internal factor that will allow us to trust and open up again to our relationship and love?

Different styles of separate
Each of us is separated in a different way, a way that reflects our personality and the way it has formed in the relationships during life.
At the same time, it is possible to discern a number of "styles" as part of a collection of patterns that can be identified. And perhaps even important to recognize that awareness of them may determine a lot and affect the entire picture at the critical moments of separation.
Of course, these are not "pure" styles, but rather a general characterization that appears in different versions and in varying degrees of mixing with other styles.

So these are the four styles that I found fit to identify and describe,
and I'm sure you can still add more accuracy:

Evaporating
Matada is hard to leave the system, he fears that his departure will disappoint and hurt the other side, or so he tells himself.
The truth is that he is afraid of the guilt feelings that may arise when he sees the injury on the other side.
His way of dealing with a situation in which separation is required is by making the connection less and less significant, so that he imagines, consciously or unconsciously, to evaporate without causing too much pain (he is no longer so important to the other side).
The result, of course, is the opposite - the other side experiences an ongoing and incomprehensible abandonment, and doubts about the authenticity of the entire relationship. The chances that he will be able to continue his life with a constructive memory and strengthen the relationship that is now ending are undermined.
I often saw parents of children who had to leave the world after a long illness.
When they felt that the moment of death was approaching, they began a gradual process of distancing themselves from the children in order to "spare them the pain."
But pain, however deep, can ultimately be contained and processed within us, while the guilt and damage to the self-worth that results from distancing can carry as an active wound and damage, which will take many years to heal, and only if we are willing to invest all the necessary effort For healing.
This is the difference between pain and damage.

The bomb
The bomber tends to conduct relationships with himself without sharing the other side.
He is hurt, angry, angry, victimized, planning plans for revenge and separation, all without sharing the other side.
One day he simply drops the bomb and announces that the connection is over, without warning, leaving the other stunned and surprised.
Any attempt to create a dialogue with the aim of restoring the connection is met with resistance, because "now you remember, now it's too late, you should have understood all this before."
But of course she had not understood anything before, for the simple reason that our blasted cousin had not shared anything with her.
Behind the difficulty of creating a dialogue within relationships is the fear of confrontation, the fear that if exposed to true feelings (such as anger, vulnerability, etc.), the other party can not contain them and will be rejected.
But since it is not so easy for a bomber to admit that he is one (which in itself could have greatly improved the situation), he develops an expectation of being understood without making an effort to communicate, which leads, of course, only to more frustration and anger.
For the injury to others, which remains in shock and hurt, there is no need to elaborate. In fact, people who are left in this way often behave as post-traumatic syndrome in the context of relationships.

The destroyer
Deep down, the destroyer believes that disassembling or leaving a relationship is not legitimate.
In general, to act in life according to his personal will order he should be sure that he has a very justified reason. Therefore, in order to leave the system he must find a way to spoil it to such an extent that any reasonable person can say that his departure is the most justified act in the world.
This can be easily done by fomenting quarrels, damaging trust, and other creative ways of spoiling relationships. When all that is left of love is a huge pile of cuckoo, the destroyer can walk with a quiet, and mostly just, right to destroy the next relationship.
Of course, the price and the damage are enormous: he does not take from him a farewell or a positive experience that would build the foundations of his trust in connections and the world in general, leaving behind a trail of pain, injury, anger and destruction.
We often see how divorcing couples are able to erase completely every trace of love and connection (and presumably many times there was love) between them.
At least they can tell themselves that such a goddamned couple is really right to part.

The challenger
The challenger is the one who understands that Frida may be the most significant part of the relationship.
He understands that when a full and good separation occurs, there is a positive taste of the connection as part of the soul itself, the part of us that says "yes" to life, despite the inevitable pain in it.
The participant realizes that there is no separation without pain, frustration and often anger.
He does not try to avoid these feelings within himself and is not frightened when they appear in others.
Thus he is ready to finish and say goodbye while keeping eye contact with the other side, thus enabling the process of mourning, which is at every ending and separation.
It is clear that he does not make an easy life for himself, the challenger.
He stands up again and again against the most basic paradox of existence: what is the point of calling, committing and loving, if in the end we will always have to meet the pain of loss?
But it is precisely for this reason that he mysteriously gains a growing sense of life, of power and of love.

Possibility to change patterns
Like other patterns of connection, the patterns of separation - deep, ancient, and difficult to change.
And like the other patterns here, too, something can soften, become flexible, open up when awareness and nonjudgmental attention comes into play.
I suppose each of us can find himself in more than one pattern of separation, and perhaps even in all of them.
If we know how to recognize, we can perhaps allow ourselves the next time to part more fully, a separation that allows something within us to be more complete despite the fracture.

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