Purpose in Value and Identity

"There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right."

All it takes is 5 mg of Adderall. Within 20 minutes the positive, motivating thoughts come rushing in and I am unprepared for the stimulation my brain is about to receive. I'm ready to solve any problem the world can throw at me, just like I used to...when I abused the drug.

5 mg is nothing compared to what I used to ingest daily, so it's encouraging that my months of soberness have paid off in reinstating sensitivity to the chemicals. But today is an experiment, let's see what happens when I take a little bit.

The several months worth of sober activity can be collectively described as incrementally clawing myself out of a depressive state of catatonia. The bizarre thing about it this go around was the inability to escape the reality of watching myself talk myself out of action. There was no THC vaping to numb myself out of this confrontation or any Adderall to fill in the pot holes of my mind so I could just do it. I watched myself do nothing and hated every minute of it. Over time I would learn to form habits that I knew I wanted for life: 8 hours of sleep, working out every day, eating healthy/cooking for myself, getting some sunlight, financial planning, etc. In the sense that I have stuck to these things, I could argue I have made some progress, but I feel the motivation behind why I'm doing them is just as important as the tasks themselves. I think I was doing them so I wouldn't completely hate my existence.

And then today I take 5 mg, and I feel like I could run for Mayor, and win, too. My ex warned me that if I took too much of the stuff, I may have to take it for the rest of my life. I don't think that's the case, but I do understand it may take years to completely undo the damage.

Regardless, this is a reinforcement of the notion that it is not a chemical imbalance that plagues me, it is a lack of personal values. What the chemical interactions give me is a sense of invincibility in motivation, that no matter WHAT I do, I will nail it and come out on top, and also the energy to do it.

On Adderall I become a doing machine. Give me a mission; I crave a challenge. There is nothing too hard for me to accomplish.

The months long sober version of myself didn't lack energy anymore, I was and am doing things I was never capable of before, but there was a massive emptiness after completing these activities. I felt no sense of achievement.

I suppose it comes down to none of the activities really giving me purpose on a larger scale. My struggle on a day to day basis was to find something I WANT to do, something that if given unlimited time, money, resources, whatever, I would choose to do every day. Something I can dedicate the rest of my life to with all my thoughts, energy, and ability.

I have a tendency to look at all things objectively as both irrelevant since their potential posits completion and relevant relative to a specific observer to serve a purpose. The reason to wake up every morning that I am looking for isn't to reach a level of success or competency, these things come naturally with time, it is to do because I enjoy doing and would not want to be doing anything else.

I am currently trying new hobbies, but have the distinct feeling the answer is right under my nose.