Hatred Revisited

I spend much of my time musing positive thoughts to reinforce optimism and subsequently change my worldview. Though I was confronted with an instance of anger the other day that made me question how far I have actually come.

I have a very angry background, anger can naturally consume me and I have in the past learned how to leverage this extreme emotion to my advantage. I was raised by an angry person and it's a very easy go-to when life doesn't go my way. These days, I use meditative practices of sorts to recenter myself when this default kicks in, since I recognize the false nature of the emotion.

The event occurred when I went to take my daily walk on the trail near my house. To get to the trail you must cross a short narrow bridge over the river. It's not uncommon for fisherman to line up along the river near the bridge to try their luck at some dinner.

This day there happened to be one fisherman standing ON the narrow bridge waiting for a bite. At some point several weeks ago, I started throwing a sandbag over my shoulder when I walked on the trail to convert the leisurely stroll into a work out. So there I went, sandbag across both shoulders walking over the bridge towards the trail. The fisherman towards the far end of the bridge didn't budge when I approached, he didn't even acknowledge me. The bridge can't be more than a few feet wide and he clearly felt comfortable taking up most of that width while casually leaning on the railing.

I turned sideways and skirted by, but it couldn't have been more than a few steps taken after that when a wave of anger washed over my conscious thought. This piece of shit inconsiderate mother fucker, is he looking to get his skull crushed? I continued walking over some large stones placed carefully into a mosaic. The urge was strong to pry one of the stones up, calmly walk back up behind him, and swing the blunt end with both hands into the back of his head, sending him over the side of the railing. Or maybe drag him into the woods and snap both of his arms to make sure I have his undivided attention.

My walk lasted for about an hour and the entire time I was obsessed with coming up with satisfying ways to inflict harm onto this man. I tried my usual meditative routes: maybe he was having a bad day, maybe his life sucks, maybe his dog just died, maybe he was high on a cocktail of street drugs, maybe he was blind AND deaf. But deep down I knew that he knew and he consciously chose to ignore me. I had decided the world has no use for him and I was free to dispose of this ineffectual 'person'. I could not convince myself otherwise and easily disregarded what others would think of this response.

As I walked back towards the bridge my eyes were locked to where he previously stood; he was no longer there. For a brief few seconds I was confused, then...forgiveness. All the hatred I consumed myself with had vanished, and I was left with empty relief and freedom to recapture my thoughts in a more productive manner.

While getting back in my car I think I may have understood why I was filled with such rage. Had I said anything to the man, literally anything, I would have been much more willing to forgive him since I took reasonable action to give him a chance to move. My inaction is what I was truly angry at. Even though the perceived target of my anger was external, the frustration lay within.

I still have some work to do in being able to prevent these episodes, but I think the progress and ultimate goal is well worthwhile.