Dreary Monday

The weather has been overcast and rainy leading up to this moment and will continue to be for the next several days. When the weather is like this two things happen: 1) I get tired as fuck and 2) I become introspective.

Laying in the hammock last night got me thinking about my relationships with people, or lack thereof. I have a tendency to look at people like puzzles, trying to bleed emotional data from them until they give me the keys to their motivation. I suppose my vampiric habits stem from a formerly conscious and now unconscious suppression of my own emotions. I feel through association when I illicit their feelings. I have been known to say some harsh things to people who didn't deserve it just to gain some information about their character or values.

When their reactions have begun to repeat themselves and I have learned all I can, the relationship becomes burdensome. I feel that the relationship is then only bound by habit and momentum, which tends to fade over time as my waning interest becomes clear.

I obviously have it wrong since the person is still there and time still exists. This progression of thought didn't begin with rational inquiries, but rather recognition of a notion that rather than looking at the negatives of people, I should be focusing on the positives. The critical nature of my upbringing illicits immediate pessimism to any existential threat, social situations included. I have spent many years working to undo this, and my social anxiety is the last thing that seems to want to be undone. An appreciation for people was reinforced when I met someone who showed me love and patience regardless of my stubborn ways.

People can be puzzles if you treat them as such, but they can be so much more if given the opportunity. What is it about you that I like? I think most of your quirks can be overlooked because I admire your strengths and unique qualities. It is not my place to judge you, though I still want to understand you and your motivations, and encourage you to succeed on your own terms.

Hopefully this new line of thinking will help me sustain meaningful relationships with interesting people for the rest of my life.

Some (original) pictures from this gloomy day:

Song of the day is Talk Show Host by Radiohead, a methodical progression that pauses long enough for you to savor the melody then brings you through a listenable chaotic journey of varying intensity: