The Fear Of Every Parent

Is Losing Their Child

This past week as been pretty rough for my son, Ethan. He's battling an ear infection and his temperature has been up and down around 100 degrees or so. A few days ago we took him to the doctor and were very worried about the sickness he developed. He scratched and clawed at his ear, complaining that it hurt and his tummy wasn't making it any better. It progressively got worst within the day and I started to get a little nervous when he started having cold shakes despite him feeling very hot and clammy and the usual children's fever medication wasn't doing jack crap of anything to help. Of course we learned that it was only a minimal infection and the doctor reaffirmed, there was nothing to worry about and that we needed to continue doping him up until he feels better.

Today

We all got a good nights rest... the few days ago when we took him to the doctor and his temperature was at 103 seemed to be the worst. So when we woke up this morning, everything seemed very calm and my son was looking pretty comfortable. He came running into my bed, hopped up and grabbed the remote to turn on some cartoons.. I guess you can call it my "wake up call." His energy was high and he had a smile on his face, that was plenty enough to convince me that he was overcoming this infection and he'd be ready for school tomorrow morning.

I woke my lazy ass up and we enjoyed ourselves a nice little breakfast and I decided to get my room back in shape.. it kinda looked like a hurricane ran thru it a few times, had so much fun it turned around and made another few rounds. Yea, my room was in pretty bad shape but my son seemed better.

As I was cleaning, he called out to me..

DADA, come here

He called me over to show me some cartoon on his pad. I honestly can say I wasn't paying attention because I was startled by his appearance. HIs face seemed a bit sunken in and redness circled his mouth, nose and eyes while the glimmering clammy sweat seeped thru this pores. He was laying down carefree in his bed and seemed very relaxed but very pale.

Hey punk... you don't look so good... how are you feeling?
I asked

He put his pad down and thought about my question for a second as if he didn't even realize he might be feeling a little worst.

Not good, my tummy hurts again
he whispered

I leaned over, perked my lips and touched them on his forehead... he was blazing hot, again. I wasn't worried too much at that moment because I was pretty sure we had already got past the worst of the infection but we brought out the thermometer and checked his temperature... 104

Now If I remember correctly... anything between 100 -102 is enough to be concerned. 103 degree fever is something you don't play around with and you should really do whatever it takes to break the fever but ONE HUNDRED & FOUR fucking degrees. That nervous came roaring back with a vengeance and all these crazy thoughts rushed thru my brain faster then my ADD can even go crazy.. We downed some more medication and from that point on kept in eye on him, checking on him every 10 minutes to see if we could get that hot fever to break. He wasn't panicking but he knew something was not right.

I WAS GETTING WORRIED

An hour past and I went to check on him only to find he knocked out. Being a very overprotective and extreme reactive parent I leaned over and softly put my ear to his stomach. Don't know what that was really going to offer but I felt it was necessary to feel he was breathing alright and convinced it would calm me down. He was sleeping peacefully and was in some deep sleep so I'm assuming the meds had something to do with that. None the less, I was a little more relieved and returned to my room to finish up.

A wake up call

It felt good to look at my room and see how nicely organized and clean it now looked.. wow that was some work. I heard him wake up from around the corner so I went to check on him. He was sitting up in his bed, staring at the tv and what I first thought... watching whatever cartoon was on.

Hey punk, you're awake... how you feeling?

He continued to stare at the tv, a blank face, emotionless, thoughtless stare and no response to my presence. It seemed very strange so I walked up to his bed.

What's up punk, you must feel better cause your caught up in your cartoons...

Still he remained motionless and didn't respond. It was as if he was frozen in his own little world and still didn't know I was standing bedside looking down at him. I observed for a moment... questioned myself whether it was the medication or maybe the cartoons but the emotionless stare wasn't responding to anything. So I asked a bit more aggressively...

Hey, are you feeling better?

He still remained frozen but finally nodded his head in confirmation. Still, something wasn't right... my son seemed very zombie like and I rephrased the question so I could get him to think, which at that moment didn't seem like he was.

Are you feeling better or worst?

Nothing... It was like he wasn't comprehending anything at that very moment until he very slowly turned his head up to me with the most confused look on his face. I've never seen my son look so lost in my life... chills ran up my body as his expression reminded me of the faces I would see friends make when they took too many trippy beans and I was forced to try and snap em out of the confusion. This couldn't be the level my 6 year old little boy is currently on.. This can't be happening to the innocent beautiful child of mine...

What's wrong punk?
I asked

He continued to look up at me as if he didn't know what to say.. as if the words were at the tip of his tongue but he didn't know how to talk. I kneel down next to him and looked dead in his eyes...

Do we need to go to the doctor?

The question 100% guaranteed to generate a response was left to die in the wind as he just stared back at me... then slowly turned his head back to the tv. It seemed he was trying to comprehend what all the animation and action on the tv meant. My heart started pumping hardcore..

HEY
I snapped my fingers

He whipped his head back at me but his face remained the same. I snatched his little "comfort" bear out of his hands then pointed to it.

what's his name?

he looked at the little bear then looked back at me... my imagination took off on me and all these worries and thoughts of what could be going wrong at that moment was very overwhelming. He turned his head back toward the tv when I grabbed his heated clammy body and pulled him onto my lap as I sat in the bed with his back to the tv.

Talk to me
I demanded

nothing... I yelled out to his momma as my paranoia was too much and I knew I wasn't making anything better. I carried him to my room and sat him down on my lap again so she could see.

Ethan, punk.. talk to me

The confusion on his face started turning into a more worried or maybe even terrified one and I know I might be the reason. Still he looked as if he didn't know how to create sounds with his mouth nor communicate in any way, shape or form. He was silent, looking at my face.. his momma realized what I was nervous about and took over...

Ethan baby.. what's wrong?

He slowly turned to her with the same response... did he not know who we are? What's happening to my son? He was fine just an hour ago, had a hot fever but still was fine... my body started to tense up by the second then he turned his head to my tv and his confused face became more apparent. We noticed and questioned him..

Are you scared?
we asked

He turned his head away... looked around trying to understand what was going on then finally nodded his head and whispered...

yes

A faint whisper but a response none the less... his momma continued as she pulled the bear out of my hands...

hey, who is this?

He looked back at her and whispered... goggles

alright, yes that is goggles
she happily responded then pointed at me... who is that?

Dada
another whisper but a correct answer I needed to hear for my anxiety to come to a screeching halt or at least calm the fuck down for that matter.

Are you ok?
his momma asked. He looked at his surroundings again and took a few seconds then finally shrugged in a good enough answer because for me.. he was at least consciously thinking about the question.

She picked him up, carried him back to his bedroom and I remained frozen, sitting in the bed staring in the direction of where they were just sitting... I felt my blank stare into nothingness as all the wonderful, amazing and fun moments I share with my son flashed before my eyes. Happy thoughts, memories and a warm feeling from seeing that beautiful happy smile of his flooded my mind as the tears slowly streamed down my face.

^{one of these bears is the infamous "Goggles" who goes with Ethan, EVERYWHERE}

For one brief moment... I got the worst fucking scare of my entire life as a parent. For one brief moment, I felt powerless and helpless... a feeling NO PARENT should ever have to experience. For the next 10 minutes I prayed to God and gave thanks for the revelation I just experienced. His momma returned soon after and I quickly wiped away the tears and tried to toughen myself up but I'm sure it was very apparent.

I just experienced a revelation in my journey as a parent. A need to appreciate every moment I can with everyone in my life because at any moment... It will all, GO AWAY.

My son is feeling better and back to normal and so is his temp. As for me, I'm writing to you guys on steemit asking you to do yourself a huge favor, take a moment and really consider everyone in your life right now... Tell them you love em... grab em, hug em... and SAVOR THE SHIT OUT OF THAT MOMENT

Cuz you never know when it will be the last.

Till Next Time... Adios Amigos