Elf Schmelf
Growing up, my family's traditions were all over the place. One year, we would open one present on Christmas Eve, the next year we wouldn't. The following year, we tried to make it a "thing" by baking cookies and watching a movie, and the next year, we purchased store-bought cookies. Whatever the reasons were, our traditions changed every year but they were always about family. As a parent of three young children, I search for what kinds of traditions I want to start for us and all I keep seeing is the damn Elf. Family members ask "are you getting one?", "do you have one?" and when I staunchly say no and stand my ground (because I certainly don't have time or energy for that nonsense), I get the evil side eye. Sorry, Charlie. You can give me all the evil eyes and call me all of the nasty Grinch-type names you want but this mama ain't having it. I'm already struggling with how I should show and tell my kids the whole Santa thing and who/what brings gifts. I don't like lying to my children but I also want them to experience the magic of the season.
Anyways, I digress. This Elf... most of my mom friends have one and in a couple of cases, they have two. I will never understand the pressure and stress they deliberately put themselves through but hey, to each their own. As I sip my wine *correction - as I chug my wine * with my rear on the loveseat, you others will be perusing online ideas on how to be creative and trying to remember to pose that Elf in a spot that wasn't previously used. You'll carefully place that Elf next to Barbie or a Lego figurine... are Barbies and Legos still a big thing? I know they were in the 80s when I was a kid.
You'll think twice about putting the Elf in a promiscuous yet hilarious position because your significant other will find it extremely laughable even though your kids will either not understand or be totally embarrassed. There may even be several nights where you'll forget to move it because you, like me, were sipping * correction - chugging * wine and fell asleep only to be awakened by the pitter patter of toddler footsteps in the early minutes of sunrise.
You see, this Elf just causes problems. And lies. Oooh, the Elf is watching and reports back to Santa. That's two, maybe three lies wrapped up in one statement. The Elf is not watching and he doesn't report back to Santa, who by the way, is not real. One day, they'll grow up and realize one of two things - that you were the coolest parents to let them experience the magic of Santa and that damn Elf or you were the coolest parents to be real and honest in life. Then again, it could also backfire and they could think you suck.
Anyways, Elf schmelf. Let me get back to my wine. Have fun, folks.