The Experience is everything

As we live our lives and go day by day through repetitive routines and dealing with the same mundane situations ( like jobs, the route you to take to work or school, standing in line at a store, picking the kids up from the bus stop or visiting your favorite local restaurant or bar to wind down)  every now and then we come across situations that stick out, breaks the routine and builds our experiences up, some more than others, some less, but either way we build up our experiences enabling us to understand how to feel in certain situations (fear, sad, happy and so forth). In my eyes that is key to evolving as person we use our past experiences to cope with and negotiate future situations, that’s how we survive. In the following story, I’m going to tell you about one of those experiences in my life where reality ran me over like a freight train and the fear set in. This is a story about the scariest moment of my life.
I’m going to start off by giving you a little bit of my background, I was born and raised in southern California, I dropped out of high school at around 14 or 15 years old and eventually ran away from home, I was a problem child (but we will save those details for a future posts). Eventually I got to the point, age 24, where I realized I needed to do something with my life so I joined the United States Army. What other option did I have, no real work experiences, no education and nothing to fall back on like family, at that point that is, anyways out of that I have 7 years active duty service as a 19D Cavalry Scout and I’m currently on my third year of Army reserve time. I’ve got thousands of hours of military training and 3 deployments (2 combat [2009-2010 Iraq and 2011-2012 Afghanistan] and 1 combat support [2013-2014 Jordan]). All my experiences from being homeless, the countless hours of training, the fire fights, RPGs, IEDs, mortar/rocket attacks, mounted/dismounted missions, all of that could not prepare for this day, and I remember every detail, every emotion.

It was late in July just over 4 years ago, I was so tired I was only half way through my 24-hour guard detail when it happened. I got the call. I remember the loud thuds from above, the screaming of the soldiers in the distance and anticipation of waiting for this call, I was told it was going to happen but I wasn’t expecting for it to happen while I was on the detail or that quick. Well we had a scare the night prior but it was just a scare nothing came of it, but this time it wasn’t a scare, it was happening and there was nothing you could do to stop it.
Before we get to far, I know what you all are thinking, “not another over exaggerated war story from some salty veteran” but don’t worry I am not telling a Lone Survivor story or telling you how bad we had it overseas, there is no death in my story, just life, I mean I was on CQ (charge of quarters), the thudding above was the washing mashing in the barracks common area and the screaming soldiers were drunk and wrestling around in the halls, I didn’t get the call on some out dated piece of military equipment it was my cell phone. The call I was expecting wasn’t to tell me that some enemy force was enroute to attack, it was my wife. You see my wife was 9 months pregnant and that night was the night she went into labor to give birth to my son Haelex (HAY-LEX)

You see I was fine with my wife being pregnant because you know what it wasn’t real to me yet. It didn’t hit me, the drive to go meet my wife, the drive to the hospital or the waiting, not even being in there and watching them cut my wife open to do the C section. It wasn’t real yet. I watched eagerly as they pulled my baby boy out of her and cleaned him and got him to cry just before handing him over to my mother in law so she could let my wife see her baby for the first time (she wouldn’t be able to hold him for a few more hours). It was when my mother in law stood up and held the baby out to me and said well are you going to get him? When I reached my hands out and took him and held him in my arms for the first time and looked down at him and into his eyes and felt his wrinkly skin is when it hit me like a freight train. Nothing in my past prepared me for this moment in my life, I never cried and the only thing that ever truly scared me prior was spiders, I mean getting shot at and feeling the heat of the bullet missing your face by a few inches, to say that I wasn’t scared would be a lie, but the fear doesn’t sink in, in that situation, till its done and over with. While it’s happening, you have no time to think about it all you’re focusing on is reacting and attempting to implement all those hours of training and ensuring the safety of those around you, no time for fear. This situation was different, this fear was different, I was holding something, no, SOMEONE in my arms that was going to look up to me, rely on me. I was holding my son and how I act around him, how I raise him and all the experiences we have together, what ever they may be, will affect who he is as a man in the future……()
Holy $#!+ , everything I ever lived through, everything I ever done, everyone I ever hurt or did wrong to, all the pain or joy I ever felt, I now hold a little human that I helped create in my arms that has the possibility to experience or inflict upon someone else those same things. I don’t know about everyone else but that is scary as hell to me. That moment in my life was THE scariest moment I have ever experienced, but it was also one of my proudest and happiest days (I say one of because I am married and have a second child, Kosima [she is currently 1]) I never felt so many emotions before in my life. That one Experience in my life taught me so much and I believe made me a better person in the long run, it changed me in so many ways and made me look at my life from a totally different perspective.

Experiences in our lives evolve who we are as individuals. Everything we do is a potential lesson in life and if we don’t get out there and explore, try new things and experience those situations that make us uncomfortable we may miss out on something amazing. If I had to go back and start over I would do everything the exact same way, I would not change one single thing just to ensure that I would experience those same emotions again on that day. As I get older and look back I try to imagine if I didn’t make that decision to leave home at a young age where would I be? And if I didn’t experience what I did that day who would I be? All I know is that, that experience did change the path of my life as will others in my future and that goes for everyone. Every now and then break up your routine, change it up a bit. Nothing will change if we don’t get out there and truly live our lives.