Waggling My Wee Wire

Hey! I haven't got a signal?

I waved my phone forlornly about as if that might improve the odds of catching something internet'y in the air.

It didn't work.

Yeah, me neither. It's all these hills.

The good lady replied. She too, giving her phone a little waving action.

We were in the cold and bloody North of Scotland. Purple-clad hills brooded around us in the distance. We had popped up for the night to visit her family. I was hungover and pissed off. I hated the cold and I hated Northern folk.

I waved my phone about a bit again.

Nada, still no signal.

It's ok. I am NOT addicted to Steemit. I am NOT addicted.

It was no use lying to myself. I am addicted to Steemit and I hadn't been able to get on all day. I had a cold knot of dread that I was missing something amazing.

I mean, how fucking stupid. It was Sunday. Nothing amazing ever happened on Steemit on a Sunday.

I kicked a stone and huffed as if my farts were sore. I suppose I should take a chance to enjoy some real life for once. After all, it wasn't every day you got to gad off and stay in a funky little hotel in the middle of nowhere.

If only I had some internet.

My phone started to overheat like a mad bastard as it tried in vain to find a mast to leach on to.

I looked to the little hotel with a grim eye.

They said they had the wifis in the hotel. I am off to check.

The good lady nodded.

Take the bags up to the room and we will get you downstairs, the little ones are hungry.

She ordered in the casual manner of all women to their men.

Aye aye, Cap'n.

I gave a curt salute and grabbed the bags.

It didn't take long to get checked in and drag the bags up to the room. The place was tiny. I dumped the bags and got my phone out. It was still as hot as a potato from a Dutchman's oven.

That was alright.

I started searching for the internets on my phone. Nothing. That was weird. The guy at the desk had definitely said there was wifi in the rooms. After a brief search worthy of an upvote from Steemhunt, I found a router beside the TV. Little lights winked in and out reassuringly on it.

But there was no wifis.

I let out a big huff and stomped off downstairs to the desk.

Excuse me?

I said to the little man there, who somewhat resembled bird droppings.

Yes, young feller. How can I help you?

I thought there was wifi in the rooms?

There most certainly is. It's a little slow but it's there.

He nodded like a little gnome in a garden by the seaside.

It's not working in my room.

I tried not to sound terse but I sounded as if I had a turtle's head poking out my Aunt Fanny.

The little man who resembled bird droppings paused and made a rather impressive show of thinking. Then his face lit up.

Did you see the router besides the TV in the room?

I did, yes.

Did you try waggling the wee wire that goes into the wall?

I beg your pardon?

I stared at him flatly. Was he trying to make some kind of masturbation joke?

Yes, the wee wire, sometimes its loose and needs waggled.

I took a deep and noble breath in through my nose.

Right.

I stomped back off upstairs.

I crouched beside the wall where the router slunk into. I gave the wire a wee waggle. My phone chirped almost immediately.

Holy shit, success! The internets! All of them! Quickly I tried logging in but before I could get a password inserted into the wifis dark little orifice the signal disappeared.

Fuckity baws!

I yelped and started waggling the wee wire some more. The internet came back. I tried logging in. The internet disappeared.

It kept happening. Rather than smash the place up in a hungover fury, I decided to use my immense brain power to solve the issue. Eventually, with the help of a folded beer mat, I managed to secure the wire in a position that maintained a steady wifi-ness.

Hurrah!

The good lady looked up as I entered the dining area.

Hey, where have you been. You've been gone for ages?!

I gave her a dark look.

I was upstairs waggling my wee wire.