Thursdays With Uncle Boom #90
Gentlemen, let me introduce... The Thought Quantizer!
The young gentleman pulled at a crisp white sheet that was draped over a bulky shape before us.
The sheet wheeked off like pubic hair in a Brazilian Fanny-Bar and immediately we could see the object that had been hidden underneath
It was a clunky looking chair, with what looked to be a crown above it attached via a spaghetti maze of wiring which snaked down to a large box at it's side. Soft lights blinked on and off the side unit.
I looked at the fellows around me. My good friends, Anulus, Rory and Dobbers. A fine bunch.
We were at the Gentlemen's Club. The young chap before us had tapped us up as potential investors in what he claimed was a ground-breaking scientific endeavour. His name was Lozange.
He seemed a decent enough sort despite having a face like an overly chewed nipple.
Very good, Lozange. You appear to have invented a chair? How fucking remarkable.
I said with some mirth whilst exhaling a steel-blue cloud of pipe smoke.
Anulus snorted into his Whisky.
Yes, a chair. Why, it's fucking genius!
He snorfled.
The young Lozange merely smiled at our laughter. Even Rory's booming guffaws which sounded like someone fucking a pig's bladder in an echo chamber did not phase him.
Gentlemen, this is no ordinary chair.
He stepped forward.
Perhaps someone would like to volunteer?...
Dobbers looked up nervously from under the electric crown of thorns on his head.
I say, I'm not quite sure about this?
He muttered as the young Lozange footered about at a small screen built into the top of the side unit.
I took a long swig of whisky and spat in the nearby shit slipper. It was an old Club tradition. Each week we would fill a slipper with spit and other things then on a Friday, offer a peon a hundred pounds to drink it.
It was great fun. Even when they died.
The young Lozange cleared his throat to attract our attention.
Gentlemen. The Thought Quantizer is a groundbreaking machine which can not only read thoughts from the human mind but can translate them and broadcast them in real time from these speakers.
He patted some unobtrusive speakers on either side of the chair.
Are you trying to say it can read a man's thoughts?
Said Rory, frowning as if attempting to masturbate wearing oven gloves.
That is exactly what I am saying.
Replied Lozange.
Poppycock! Why there is no way that...
I'll never forgive that bastard for trying to make me fuck a Pigeon...
A cold metallic voice echoed out from the chair interrupting Rory mid-flow.
Who said that, was that me?
We all stared atDobbers who was looking aghast as he sat there in The Thought Quantiser.
As you can see gentlemen. The machine is parsing the thoughts of our esteemed friend here and projecting them almost exactly as they would sound as if spoken aloud.
Lozange strutted back and forth in front of us, looking intensely proud as if he had laid a golden egg from his rear quim.
Dobbers tore the electric crown from his head shooting me an odd fearful look before stamping out of the room.
I stepped forward and picked up the electric crown from where it had been discarded.
How many of these devices have you made, Lozange?
I asked softly.
Oh, ha! Just one. This little beauty. The plans are all in my head. I just need the funds to push it to market!
Lozange preened as if he had many shimmering feathers and an itchy ovary.
Let me try it out then, if you don't mind, my dear friend?
I sat on the chair device with the crown perched fetchingly on my head.
Yes, of course. Let me just adjust this bit.
Lozange fiddled with something at the side.
There. Think away good sir!!
But the metallic voice was already booming forth.
I will deal with Dobbers later but first I will have to dispose of this clever little bastard.
Lozange paled slightly.
Me! Me! Let me on, Boomy!
Shouted Anulus with great excitement.
I stepped up from the machine and passed the crown to Anulus. Lozange twitched as I stood beside him and laid a gentlemanly hand on his shoulder.
He looked up at me.
What did you mean, dispose of this little bastard?...
Lozange shuddered as he spoke. Like a cat having its belly massaged after eating too much beef jerky.
Ho ho, Boomy is going to do for him good and proper but how? I wonder if he will throw him out the window? Or gut him like a fish with that nasty little knife of his?
Lozange tensed as if to run.
What does he mean? Who is he talking about? Does he mean me? What the fuck is happening!?
I leaned in, my hand tightening on his shoulder.
Oh my dear fellow, I couldn't possibly say, after all...
Seems like a horrible invention and this week I am for a window exit - after he's downed the contents of the spit slipper though :)
Haha, damn! I did have made him eat the spit slipper!!
Windows are an old favourite!
May have jumped out of the window himself to avoid that punishment!
Haha, unless there was something terribly wrong with him aye!
I love the word "snorfle." I know exactly what it is, and never before have I heard a word to fully describe it.
In regard to itchy ovaries, I cannot speak from personal experience, but I think it must be like when the bottom of your foot itches and no matter the scratching there is no satisfying it.
Snorfle is the best!! I love it too. Suns to exactly what it is by being what it is!
You know that is probably exactly how it would be!!
Oh but Uncle Boom, just think of what you could do with a device like that!
I know! The possibilities are endless but probably not as much fun as random killing!
Too true!
I wouldn't mind one myself right enough, lol!!
A slipper full of gentlemanly gob sounds like a cocktail from hell. Lozange lol. I kept thinking of the sweets you have when you have a sore throat.
Hehe, that's what I was thinking when I wrote it, lol.
A fine slipper game night be worth starting up*!
Uh-Oh...I 'ALMOST' clicked that NEW 'DOWNVOTE' button sitting right next to the 'up-vote' button at the bottom of posts...You SURELY would have HATED me from now on if I'd made that grievous error, most certainly...and probably would have flung someone or something out the window...!?!?!?
There would have been much flinging out of windows!! And gnashing of teeth and and and... Stuff!!!
I suspected as much... :>{
;0)
Hmm. Where do thoughts go once you've had them?
They come singing out of The Thought Quantiser!!!
Ha! True.
:0)
Maybe not as ruthless, it made me want to watch some Wooster and Jeeves again. I think more to do with the excellent posh tone :)
Hahahaha!! Yes, it is precisely that tone!!!
Lozange would later regret with much sadness that he didn't run after Mr. Boom hinted he would dispose of the little clever bastard. The guy's life is up at that moment. Upvoted!
There's a twist and a half! You have read to many of these, you are getting into the mind of a killer!! :0D
@meesterboom hello dear friend. scary find, but you have to admit what Uncle Boom can do with this machine in his office
I wish you a beautiful weekend dear friend
He is a whizz with a machine!
Great post , mastertree , great post indeed !!
"Hmm, would he be aware of that idiotic audio spammer @tts in the comments who makes him sound like a ridiculously sounding stuttering bitch, who gets banged backwards in her pussy , every time he utters a word ?" Cheers , mate !! :-))Ah yes, I do like TTS tough. Sometimes the seating is quite conical when read back!!! Hahaha!!