Thursdays With Uncle Boom #57

in life •  last month

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Do you ride?

Miss Fenniwig asked innocently.

I squinted at her and gave a hoarse chuckle, like a cow, hiding under a bed.

I ride spectacularly well, my darling.

I cast an errant eye up and down her fuselage.

Miss Fenniwig gave a little hop of excitement.

That's marvellous. Here, take this and meet me tomorrow at two. I have arranged a little outing for us. The two of us plus... A friend. Remember to dress appropriately!

She pressed a note into my hand and shimmied away like a cat with a sausage.

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I gave her retreating back a wave with my pipe.

What a surprise it had been to see her. I had just come out of a Parliamentary Committee about smashing the glass ceiling for women in industry or some such bloody nonsense. I had spent most of the time there drinking Mad Agnes from my hip flask and smoking my pipe.

Upon leaving I had bumped into her. Goodness, it was almost as if she had been following me. Well, no matter. I looked around and seeing that the corridor was clear, gave the note a little sniff. Regretfully it just smelled like paper. Oh well, I suppose that if everything smelled of vaginal secretions the world would be a dull place.

And a fishy one.

Anyway, I carried on with my duties as a Minister of Parliament, thoughts abuzz as to what the next day's meeting with Miss Fenniwig and her friend might bring.

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The next day dawned bright and clear. I had my maid Liselle shave me before dressing.

And make sure you stretch the bag flat, I will have no nicks and cuts on my silk purse when I meet the good Miss Fenniwig.

In the mirror, I could see Liselle grimace and mutter something about sweaty penises. Damn girl, what did she expect? It was September.

After the shaving, I had her bring me in a selection of outfits for my meet. I decided to wear the white silk shirt with black trousers and a rather fetching coat. I looked very regal. Very regal indeed.

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My man Morris took me to the outskirts of the city and eventually stopped the car at a rotting old barn in a dismal looking field. He hooted softly at me as I stepped out the door.

Be careful? Oh, don't worry about me Morry! There is no danger here. Look! There is Miss Fenniwig and a... fellow?

When she said a friend, I hadn't expected her to bring a fellow. She stepped in daintily and gave me a peck on the cheek then introduced the man with her.

This is Gerard. He is in charge around here.

I examined this Gerard chap. He had long hair like a spaniel and a face like mouldy seal-skin. He stretched out his hand as if to insert it in me and work me like a puppet.

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I did not like the look of him. Not one bit. He stank of peon.

He looked bemused at my refusal to shake his hand. For a moment the air sung with testosterone and tension. Then Gerard snorted.

Come this way milord.

He walked off toward the barn. Miss Fenniwig giggled and tugged me after her.


What the bloody fuck is this?

I glared at the great big animal in front of me.

Oh Boomy, it's a horse of course!

I looked at the big brute in front of me, then at Gerard who seemed to be sniggering into his hand and then at Miss Fenniwig.

I know it's a fucking horse but what is it doing here?

The horse in question was a big bugger, it had a nasty look in it's eye and twitched it's head aggresively at me.

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Miss Fenniwig gave me a bewildered look. Like a parrot eating feta cheese.

Why, for the riding, of course. You remember I asked if you rode?

I felt a vein pulse hotly in my temple.

Yes, I do remember you asking me if I rode. However, I was under the impression that you meant I was going to ride you. I mean, call me a fool but was I so cruelly mistaken?

Miss Fenniwig blushed and looked at Gerard who belched out something suspiciously like a guffaw. Neither of them answered. Gerard produced a brush and started brushing the flanks of the horse with some vigour as if it were his cousin Paul.

I reigned in my temper and glanced about the barn curiously. There seemed to be a curious subtext to this meeting I was missing.

Miss Fenniwig, would you be so kind as to trot to the car and tell my man Morry to bring me my spare pipe?

Of course Boomy. I... I am terribly sorry for the confusion.

She darted off, cheeks still aflame.

Gerard, old fellow... May I have a word?

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Oh my god!!! What happened?! Is that Gerard?! Oh my god, should I call an ambulance?!

Miss Fenniwig had returned minutes later to a scene of absolute carnage. I lay on my side drenched in blood and scraps of horse hide. A cruel gash on my scalp bled freely down the side of my face.

Beside me the corpse of the horse lay twitching on the dirt, its guts slowly bubbling out of a massive gash in its side. Gerard lay beside its head. his throat clamped in its massive jaws, one of his eyes had popped out and hung on his cheek like a miniature toffee apple.

I'm so sorry my darling. I tried to save him but the horse. It went rogue and attacked us both in a frenzy. It tore dear Gerard's throat out with those awful teeth and then turned on me.

I made a squeaky pain noise.

I fought it of course. What gentleman wouldn't? It was all I could do to disembowel the foul creature in order to stop its terrible rampage.

Miss Fenniwig looked at me in disbelief.

No, oh my sweet word no. Not Gerard. Nooooo!

She flung herself on Gerard's corpse sobbing madly. I groaned and waved an arm feebly.

She looked up, her eyes raw and red like burst blisters.

Did he... Did he say anything before he... Passed? Anything about me?

My mouth twitched up into a cold grimace which could almost have been a grin.

Oh Miss Fenniwig, I couldn't possibly say, after all...

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Hmm. A new lady friend perhaps, for the mighty Uncle Boom? LAdy Fotheringham didn't work out too well, she wasn't especially... well... whatever, and Lady Liselle just ended up as a maid. And that annoying woman by the circus, certainly not worth it.

Interesting to see where Miss Fenniwig ends up. The real question is if she has any experience as a psychologist (see episode 46)

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One would rather hope that she hadn't although that may be something that old Boomy would disagree with!!

Lol, your encyclopedic memory of past episodes continues to amaze!

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raw m rather good? typo?

Not really sure what you're saying, this one's pretty bad.

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Haha, it was pretty bad, fixed now!

Hey Uncle Boom two's company ,threes a crowd. No one likes to share and you will get there. The way you operate there will only be Miss Fenniwig and you anyway. I see the plan now.

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Thats right, scorched earth policy!

Must have been one of those carnivorous horses, they look exactly like regular horses aside from the teeth, good thing he managed to best it before meeting the same fate as poor Gerard D:

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I suspect it was one of them. The furious carnivorous ones!! Hehe

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I can't translate this one Boomy, gonna need you to help me out XD

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Lol, I have updated it! I should really read them back before I hit post.

howdy sir meesterboom! lol. another brilliantly written adventure for the venerable Uncle Boom, loved it.
Poor Gerard though. "He stank of peon." lol.

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He did, it's a shame it was his last stink!!

My lawd...how do you come up with these tales? Am I the only one that thought the ride was an actual horse ride and was correct? You all have dirty minds...lol

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Haha, it looks like you might be!!! :0)

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haha! I'm with you empress, I thought the ride meant a horse ride, I guess we're naive!

We haven't have a lot of Thursdays in our lives @meesterboom and than all goes into bust.

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He does tend to make them go bang!

@meesterboom Uncle Boom is right that it would be of this world if everything smelled like vaginal secretions,
The whole situation was resolved in the style of Uncle Boom, he did what he had to do to stay alone with the young lady.
Another amazing chapter of Uncle Boom
I wish you a good night

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Cheers @jlufer, e for like to get his own way with the ladies!

LOL oh my. Uncle Boom the crazy chap, what will he do next? er I mean who will he kill next? lol And to think this could have all been avoided if she meant what she should have meant when it came to riding....at least, I am sure that is what ole boomy is thinking. lol It's her fault really....haha

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I am with you. She should have kept it simple!!

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LOL :) Yes she should have. haha

Fenniwig should've known better than to tease a riding session with another friend and then reveal it was for a horse and said friend was a man. What are we, in Bermuda?? Gentlemen only ride tricycles. None of that Eiffel Tower pish!

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Tricycles?! Penny farthings perhaps... Lol!

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Whilst riding a bicycle, that is indeed my preferred steed!

A misunderstanding turning into a mishap of extraordinary proportions. Poor Gerrard being avictim of this episode. I know you killed Gerrard because you want Miss Fenniwig all by yourself. How cruel are you, meesterboom! Haha! Upvoted!

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Oh goodness! What an accusation!! Could it be true!? ;0)

Ah how I look forward to Thursdays!

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So does Uncle Boom!! :0D

@meesterboom hello sir! What a splendid story I have just read! U write extraordinary sir. How such a small understanding can used to make such a great humorous story! I think it's just a poor fault of her! Lol. Also those little jokes made me laugh so much! Carry on sir, just followed you. I want to read more of your works. By the way I am new to steemit and run a photography blog... Nice to meet you 😀

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Very nice to meet you too, I am glad you enjoyed. Perhaps we will run into one another again :0)

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Absolutely sir... I m waiting for your another story. Meanwhile if you get time plz visit my newest post about the 'city of joy', kolkata, india. Hope you will like it sir! Stay well and write more fabulous stories like this one.

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Appreciate it.

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Uncle Boom does manage to get himself into some interesting predicaments...but it is a good thing he knows how to handle himself in any situation that may arise...

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He does, rather predictably but you know, stick to what you are good at!! :OD

oh dear...she let you alone with man and beast....her fault....how dare she play with our Booms effections like that get his loin's all a twitchin and then take the wind from his sail...justice served.

upvoted and resteemed

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Indeed, a man should never be mixed up with a horse!

Uncle boom knows how to attract one to his stories and i am one of his readers

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That is a fine thing!

When a sexy friend invites you to leave and you are very excited thinking, this is my moment !! but .... surprise she's carrying a friend! Typical.😒

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Kill em with a horse, that's what I say!

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Hi @meesterboom!

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