Thursdays With Uncle Boom #45

I watched them lower the coffin into the hole in the ground.

Of course, I heard that he used to hang about the woods, shitting in pipes then throwing the pipes through peoples windows you know?

My good friend Anulus shook his head in disbelief. and passed me back my hip flask.

Shitting in a pipe, in the forest? What possesses some people? If you ask me it's a blessing he poisoned himself.

I nodded, he was a good judge of character my friend Anulus despite having a face like the decaying eyes of a dead fish.

I sent his mother a boiled ham.

I stifled a burp.

Anulus nodded thoughtfully at that.

Awfully good of you old chap. That will soften the blow somewhat. I sent a bushel of figs. I hope it's not misconstrued as anything sexual.

Over the drone of the Minister's voice, I chuckled.

Yes Anulus, she has probably suffered enough lately without your giant walloper tearing down her beef curtains.

True true. You were there you say when he ended himself?

Yes, awful business. He shat himself before he passed. Quite tawdry.

Annulus winced, his face crinkling like a frog eating bacon.

Shameful, yes.

I pulled my pipe out and a pouch of my new baccy that I was rather fond of.

I say Anulus, have you tried this stuff? 'Turgid Sturgeon?'

I have not old chap, give me a pinch?

I passed the pouch to Anulus who pulled out his own pipe and packed it down with some of the Turgid Sturgeon.

We lit up and commenced an enthusiastic smoke. The baccy stank of fish when burning but in a good way.

The Minister had finished speaking and now some Police chief was burbling on about how Raif had always fought the good fight on the side of the law.

I took another swig of my hip flask. It was almost finished.

Shall we fuck off and get bladdered somewhere?

The Johhny Policeman delivering the eulogy overheard and shot me an annoyed glance.

Yes, fuck it. Let's go and get properly fucked!

Cried Anulus cheerily.

The Johnny Policeman gesticulated angrily.

Will you have a bit of respect, this is a bloody funeral?

Oh fuck off old fellow. We are off to the pub, this is just plain fucking depressing. Anyone fancy it?

I addressed the mourners.

As it was a policeman's funeral a few people perked up and stood to join us making hurried excuses as to why they suddenly had to run an errand.

The deceased's Mother perked up.

Oh bugger, I have to stay till the end, what pub will you be going to? I can catch you up?

I looked to Anulus, he gave an imperceptible shake of his head.

Ma'am. I am afraid I could not possibly say. After all...