Thursdays With Uncle Boom #31

Today I had the misfortune to be attending a funeral with my good friend and fellow trader Halver Marvain. He is a fine fellow despite having a face like a camel that is being soundly rogered.

Before going to the funeral itself we decided to have a respectable number of swifties in the club. To honour the dead man who was some Uncle of Halver's that I had met once or twice.

As a result, when we rolled up to the church it could be said that we were fairly well lubricated. At the door, the Vicar was greeting everybody solemnly.

Ah young Halver, so glad you could make it and this is...

Boom, the name's Boom old fellow.

The Vicar stuck his hand out.

I looked at it as if he had offered to give me a tuppeny hand shandy.

Where's the bloody toilets Vicar? I have a turtle's head poking out.

A Turtle doing what you say?

Never mind old chap, I'll find an urn.

I pushed past and stepped into the church proper and barged off in search of a toilet. Eventually, I found one and after depositing a beef loaf came out to find Halver.

He was in the main hall talking to some old trout with a lacey veil. I sidled up to them. Halver was in the middle of saying something about a better place now.

How did the old goat go then?

I interrupted.

The lady in the veil let out a little sob.

My darling husband was out truffle hunting with his hound Bertie, when his poor heart gave out.

Are they calling it truffle hunting now? Well, I have been with a few Bertie's myself. Poor sod. Would you care for a swig madam?

She eyed the flask in my hand warily.

It's Claudia and what is that?

Whisky. Stronger than a bull's penis fighting a sparrow, if it please you, milady.

She snatched it from me and had a glug. I gave her a reassuring smile.

It will be alright, he will be up there truffle hunting with more dogs than he could ever have imagined.

I pulled my pipe out and lit it enthusiastically, blowing sweet smoke up in a blue cloud.

I say there!

The vicar appeared out of nowhere.

The service is about to begin if you would like to take your seats? Oh, and please don't smoke. Not in here.

I smiled and waggled my pipe at him.

Of course, dear fellow, of course.

The service was a dull affair, I tried my best to snooze but the sobbing and wails of grief kept interrupting me. Eventually, it was over.

We made our way to a nearby pub in which the wake was being held.

Many whiskies later, I found myself singing sea shanties with Claudia and Halver. Claudia was clinging to me quite tightly in an effort to stay upright.

It had been some time since I had played the scarlet kazoo and although I was finding the fishy smell of Claudia's grief quite intoxicating it was perhaps not entirely seemly to bed a widow on the night of her husbands funeral. I gently rebuffed each attempted fondle of my meaty bangstick.

Can I have a word Mr Boom?

I looked up from a lace-clad set of bing bongs. It was the vicar, he looked rather stoney faced as if a beggar had shit in the collection box.

I excused myself and followed the vicar into a small room to the side that contained the remains of the buffet. Once there the vicar slammed the door shut and turned to face me.

How may I help you dear fellow?

I thought it best to pre-empt any churchy chidings.

The lady Claudia, are you aware of the rumours Mr Boom?

Rumours? Do tell, my little vicar-ous allsort?

The vicar came close to me, perhaps a little too close. His breath smelt strongly of whisky.

Her husband, they say it was his heart... but he was as strong as an ox. Some are saying that Claudia... She... She...

Spit it out man?

The vicar came closer still, his body inches now from mine, his breathing ragged and hoarse.

...They say... she rode him to death. Can you imagine such a thing?

He shuddered and shook his head.

I barked a laugh. A cold laugh. A laugh that spoke of long dead fires and smoke-mottled bone.

My dear fellow...

It was my turn to move in close.

Everything dies...

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I grabbed another drink and joined Halver and Claudia. They seemed to be getting on like a house on fire.

Hey Boomy, where have you been? ... No, wait, don't say!!!

Halver puffed up his chest and winked at me.

After all...

He proclaimed grandly.