Thursdays With Uncle Boom #29

I had been invited to the circus by a lady I had taken an interest in lately. My prior relations with Lady Fotheringham had taken a bit of a dive after one evening I had told her that I would much prefer it if she could wear gloves to cover her rather frightening man-hands.

As of which, the ensuing lonely nights had caused me to cast an eye out for a lady companion I could bang with my coconut spoon of an evening.

I had heard that Lord Barrington's daughter, Winnifred, was currently unattached and I had enquired after her health to her father. A fine fellow despite having a chin like a scrotal wart. He had passed on my regards and as a result, she had sent me an invite to a circus which had come to town.

It proclaimed itself the greatest show on earth offering Fun, Energy and Sensuality on the enclosed flyer that she had sent me. Sensuality?! It had better not be a collection of goats and monkeys wearing lipstick. Give me a lion any day. I was rather fond of lions.

On the night, I dressed in my finest royal blue morning suit with matching top hat. Of course, I applied one of my favourite scents too, Midnight Cobra. It comprises of a masterful combination of Rum, Eucalyptus and the vaginal excretions of a lady cobra, milked (as it were) at midnight. Hence the name.

My man Morris dropped me off at the field that the Circus was set up in. It was quite the muddy affair; full of peasants smoking spitty little cigarettes and drinking coarse alcohol from grubby containers. Most distasteful. I pulled out my good pipe and puffed disdainfully.

The Lady Winnifred had not yet arrived. I took a swig of my hip flask in between puffs of my pipe to keep my dander firm. A swig of Mad Agnes was just what a gentleman needed before meeting a lady. Whilst waiting, I wondered how many Lions the circus might have.

I heard my name called and turned to see the Lady Winnifred beckon me over.

This way Boomy, let me show you the special entrance!

I swiftly moved to her side.

I would be honoured to see your special entrance, Milady!

I declared boldly.

She gave me quite an odd look. I appraised her back. It was the first I had seen her close up. I was not impressed. To call her a pig in knickers would be doing her a kindness.

It's this way.

She frowned, pointing to a side flap in the Circus tent that was guarded by a burly fellow.

I darted in front of her and glowered at the burly peon guarding the canvas flap. He moved aside swiftly, holding his nose and rubbing at his eyes.

Milady, let me hold your flaps open, it is the gentlemanly thing to do.

She frowned further and ducked under the flap I held for her. We made our way to the seats in the front row that had been reserved for us.

It didn't take long for Lady Winnifred to recover from her surliness and smile.

Well, we are here now and despite the place stinking to high heaven of snakes in brine let's make the best of it!

She exclaimed brightly.

Oh yes, that would be splendid. Do you think they have a lion?

I do not think so. This is a show of acrobatics and artistry.

She declared with a pomposity that was well at odds with her snoutish exterior.

A tall man in red came out and announced the start of the show. I watched agog as we were then subjected to ten minutes of half-naked people fannying about in the air.

Where's the fucking Lion?

I hissed exasperatedly after a further twenty minutes of watching four men dressed as avocados chasing each other with hoops.

There are no lions.

Hissed back Lady Winnifred.

The chubby fellow to my left muttered something angrily. As he was a peasant I presumed he was puzzled by the avocado men, having no doubt, never having seen an avocado.

No Lions? Not even one? Surely to fucking god, there is something? What about some Penguins?

Lady Winifred snorted loudly like the pig that she wasn't.

It's an acrobatic show, not an animal one.

She snarled exasperatedly.

This is shit. I've been sold a mongrel.

The chubby peasant to my side shifted about to face me.

What the fuck? Did she say there was no fucking Lions?

He asked quite belligerently.

I can hardly believe it myself old fellow but she did indeed. I mean what kind of circus doesn't have a Lion?

Lady Winnifred slapped her head with one of her cloven feet.

For the love of god stop talking about Lions!

I ignored her and jerked my head at the fat peasant.

Tell you what old chap. Let me take you for a drink eh. Or seven! We can talk about Lions and the good old days when a Circus was a fucking Circus! Come on, it's my shout.

I clapped him on his meaty shoulder and waved my wallet enticingly at him.

Well, I don't mind if I do!

The hefty peasant levered himself out of his seat.

Lead the way guvnor!

I gathered my hat and cane and stood. I bowed stiffly to Piggy Winnifred.

Enjoy your acrobatics milady, I am quite certain it will be the only ones you experience tonight.

I turned to the meaty peasant.

Come on then old fellow. I know this very quiet pub down near the docks. They sell some powerful spirits down there. We can drink like you aren't going to wake up tomorrow!

As my new friend and I readied to head off into the night, Winnifred poked at me.

What will I tell my Father?

Tell him nothing milady. I know I won't, after all...