The Red Wire

in life •  6 months ago

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I sat in work admiring the masculine curve of my arm. A sudden strident jangling noise snapped me out of my reverie. I looked downward in astonishment, was my desk phone actually ringing?

Somewhat suspiciously I pawed it up to my ear.

Hello?

I said as if shouting into the cave of a freshly shaved bear.

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Daddy. You need to come home... NOW.

A finger of ice inserted itself into my Purple Olaf.

Lordy ho lass. What is it? Is it the children? Has one of them fallen down a well?

No, the kids are fine, it's the...

Oh no!

I interrupted with a squeal. My mind conjuring images of fiery havoc storming around the rubble and ruin of what I used to call home.

Has the house collapsed in on itself like my teenage dreams of being a rock star?

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No Daddy, stop taking the piss.

She sounded a little stern. As if she was going to pick me up and stick me on the boob. I thanked my lucky stars that I was at work which was a fair distance away and therefore, for the moment, I was safe.

The boiler doesn't seem to be working.

Oh really? Cool, well I will have a look tonight when I get in.

No, you won't. You will have to come home right now and fix it.

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I made a face as if the tartare sauce on my fish smelled suspiciously mannish. I hefted my half-full coffee in my hand and looked at my largely empty calendar on the screen in front of me.

Oof, no can do baby. I have hundreds of meetings and things that need seen to.

I took a surreptitious sip of my coffee, hoping she wouldn't smell the stink of my lies or hear the sweet burble of the coffee as it slopped into my mouth.

You don't understand, I can't have a shower. There is no hot water. You know I have to have my shower. If there is one thing that I cannot live without, it is my shower in the morning.

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Don't worry chick, I think I know what the problem is. You just need to top it up with water. It's easy. Do you know how?

My ear became cold from the frigid arctic wind that blew down the phone.

Ok, ok. Here is what you do.

I hastily said into the frozen silence on the phone.

I talked her through the arduous and complex task of turning a little tap on a hose that leads into the boiler, anti-clockwise. She coped admirably. I then described how she turned a similar tap beside it the same way.

She did so.

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Oh my god, there is a hissing noise? Is it gas?

I chuckled, the chuckle of a jowly old Duke finding out his wife has gout.

It's not gas, that is water topping up the pressure in the boiler. Now switch off that tap you just turned.

She did so.

I then talked her through the momentous task of turning the first tap back to where it was at the start.

Lass?

I enquired with a note of command in my voice.

Yes?

She sounded sweaty and nervy.

Whatever you do, do NOT cut the red wire...

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What wire?!?! Oh ha ha ha, very funny. You dick.

That's me. Now. Off you toddle and have your shower. Daddy has some important work to do.

I put the phone down and stuck my feet up on the desk and raised my coffee in a toast to myself.

Oh yes, very important work indeed.

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That's why, You do once a month or once a week a Shower and there is not a problem...Just joking, of course. Imagine, Good Lady had problem upfront, without entering under shower. What would happen if she went under the shower, put a soap and then the shower stopped working...?!!! Can You think of that situation, She would find helicopter to send to You and pick You up, immediately...🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😆😆😆

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She would have sent an army with the helicopter just to make sure!!!

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Yeah, this is what I said...Ooh, My God...

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HEhehe, yes. If that had failed she would probably have taken a contract out on my life!

Ahahah! You are such a man! With your masculine arm! Ooooh! You saved the good lady! What a hero! What a master of the universe!
What an amazing accomplishment!

"I made a face as if the tartare sauce on my fish smelled suspiciously mannish."
Now, please explain the meaning of mannish for the non English mother tongue :)

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Lol. Mannish as if coming from a man

Perhaps I should have said man'ish!!

And you are right, I am quite the hero! ;0)

Friend @meesterboom, please send my most sincere congratulations to the Good Lady, for such an important act of courage that she executed, to be able to take her shower ... The truth is that such courageous and effective actions, such as the one you described, filled me with immense pleasure.
Now, I ask you: and if the Good Lady had not managed to solve even following your instructions, you would have immediately returned to your house to help her?

The Good Lady repairing the boiler

Sometimes I wonder: will it be that the Good Lady reads the daily episodes that her husband posts? ... Because I imagine that the amount of claims that she can make you are huge with the right to punishments ...

Respect me Meesterboom

Greetings...

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Lol, she doesn't. Lol. I would have returned home to help that good lady above haha!!

Hoo, noo the boiler does not end, this is serious and especially when there is a shower scheduled every morning, luckily the good lady has it to you. which is very competent indicating behind the phone.
I must admit that not cutting the red wire was fun. I admire how you take everything with humor, I'll have to learn that from you.
excellent reading dear friend @meesterboom
I wish you a beautiful afternoon

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Humour is all we have left in this day and age!! Cheers @jlufer!!

You haven't taught the good lady how to be self-reliant? For shame @meesterboom! Thank goodness my late husband taught me almost everything I need to know to survive but no boilers here! Cold showers only! LOL

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Hehe, that was me teaching ;0)

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Cold showers only? Really? Oh dear Lord!

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We live in a tropical country. It is always hot here. So no biggy.

A showerless day keeps the mosquitos away.

Oh well, at least she called you.

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Good lord, you're right!!!

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I forgot to say: that "red wire" bit is hilarious. Such things often come to mind too late to use in the conversation at hand, but they are so sweet when thought of in time. I hope she won't be waiting for you with a rolling pin.

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Lol, she was very happy because it worked... Now if it hadn't I would have been doomed for messing around

The pilot is dead and no one can fly the plane, talk them down boomer.

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Is there a Doctor on this plane?!?!?

We clueless women would not know what to do without you hunks of man- truly there is nothing sexier than a man who is handy! (That convo sounded very familiar....LOL!)

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HAhahahahahha, yes indeed. As long as we know how to turn them taps!! :OD

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Don't you mean dem taps? ;0)

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Why, I do believe I do!!

Hahaha! I wouldn't dare cut the red wire too. The good lady has good taste, hot shower in the morning gets you going through out the day.

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It does give you a right good start!

You just can’t hide anywhere these days can you. Of course, you have to answer that call because what if the sky was falling? Well played in the detailed instructions. The crisis was avoided and you were able to get back to the important stuff in your day.

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It was so important I almost fell asleep!

Thank the lord and all those biscuits folks go on about, she didn't have those glasses on that make it IMPOSSIBLE to tell the red wire from the blue. And you still have a home to go home TO. You be da man. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

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Lol, it was nice not coming home to a pile of smoking rubble!!

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HATE when that happens.

It was a relief that you would not have to come home to fix your boiler and you could give specific instructions to the Good Lady to fix it. Now, you can work in peace! Upvoted!

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A man will do anything for a bit of peace!

well done, very husbandly indeed! plus a mechanical wizz! not first today by any stretch!

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To be first is to be foolish said a famous man once!

Nice! I'll have to use that red wire one!

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Spooks em every time!

Oh my god hahahaha as you always manage to get away with it, although I was preparing to read something like: I came home to fix the shower and finish doing more tasks than I imagined, of course this only happens to me. I see that was the opposite XD

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Lol, that might have been the case had I gone home. I was bloody certain I want doing that! hehe

That desk isn't going to hold itself down and that coffee isn't going to drink itself!

goatsig

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Exactly. These were vital tasks!!! You can't just leave them to themselves!

oh hell I would have cut the red wire....especially when told not to....I would just have to...compelled to!

upvoted and resteemed

Well right you are once again Boom. You see its not how hard we work, its the delicate and vastly important knowledge that we possess that allows us such privilege. Oh the little ladies would surely be a mess without the male to sort things out for them. Remember, in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king!

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One of my favourite sayings that one!!

Ah jeez, all this time I've been scouring the interwebs and phoning plumbers looking for a solution, when I should've just made an international call to you Super MarBRO! Putting you as my emergency contact from now on.

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Oh yeah if you have a gas boiler and it needs more water pressure three just give me a call!

Gladly I have resteem your postings?

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If you were chips, I would be gravy

are u red lover?

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I can be anything you want me to be sweetcheeks