The Good Ship Noostym

Captain, we're taking on water!? We're sinking!?

A panicked voice yelled from below the Quarterdeck on which myself and the First Mate, Jammy-Banjo stood.

I peered out at the sea which by now was the colour of burning copper as the sun slowly sank toward the horizon.

My face crinkled merrily like a Otter amused by its own erection.

Sinking? I don't fucking think so. Everything looks fine from up here!

I bellowed out in the direction of the bleating doomsayer.

It's not fine!? There is water pishing in everywhere!? We're sinking. The ship is going under!?

The Voice yelled, anger overriding its previous panicky squawk.

I rolled my eyes and took a sip of rum from my glass before jerking my head at Jammy-Banjo.

Be a chap and bring that prick up here?

I said to the my First Mate.

He nodded and headed down to the deck. A few moments later he appeared pushing an ugly swarthy looking thing before him.

Ah, it's you Chocolate-Penis. So, you claim the ship is sinking again?

Chocolate-Penis stood sulkily before me. A swarthy looking beggar of a man.

It is fucking sinking. Everyone is saying so.

He grumbled avoiding my gaze.

Poppycock! Who is everybody!? You are talking nonsense?

I yelled with an expert beefiness at him. It was not the first time that Chocolate-Penis had claimed doom was upon us.

It's the whales. Everyone knows the whales are behind it.

Chocolate-Penis looked at me momentarily with defiance in his eyes as he spoke of the whales.

So whales are sinking the ship. Is that what you are saying?

My eyes rolled like boiled eggs on a hill at Easter.

Yeah and people are already leaving because of it.

Muttered Chocolate-Penis with his sorry mouth that looked more suited to biting sea badgers cocks than talking sense to the Captain of this fine scupper.

Leaving? People are leaving? Like who? Name them?

I demanded.

To be frank, I was rather tired of this people were leaving nonsense. Every time Chocolate-Penis had claimed such and I had demanded to know who, he had only ever managed to point to a few filthy rats that to be perfectly honest, the ship would do very well without.

I saw some rats jump over the side.

Mumbled Chocolate-Penis sulkily.

I thought as much. We are not sinking and no one that anyone cares about is leaving. Typical shit-stirring from you, Chocolate-Penis. I've had enough of it. Jammy-Banjo?

Yes, Captain?

Jammy-Banjo snapped to attention.

Take Chocolate-Penis down below, kick him in the balls and make him eat one of your shits. It doesn't have to be in that order.

Aye aye, Captain.

Jammy-Banjo grabbed a squealing Chocolate-Penis by the ear and started dragging him down below.

No, not one of his shits, they taste awful!?

Waiked Chocolate-Penis as he was hauled away.

I chuckled and walked over to the rails and looked at the darkening skies.

It's a lovely evening for it.