Secrets
I waddled into the lounge as if I was carrying a plantain in between my bum cheeks. The good lady looked up from writing something at the table.
You were gone for ages!
I wiped some sweat from my brow and gave her a cocky smile.
Oh man, sorry I took so long. It was a power shit, my arse is killing me.
The good lady's eyes boggled out on stalks.
Oh my god. Do you ever actually listen to the stuff that comes out of your mouth?
She made a face of disgust as if I had made gluten-free Jaffa Cakes again.
Eh, what do you mean? It really was a power shit. At one point, I thought I was on the deck of a pirate ship in a storm.
She slapped down the pen she was writing with.
Do I really have to know every intimate detail about your number twos?!?!
I felt hurt. Wasn't this what married life was about? I mean, if I wanted to hide my toilet habits I would be as well being single. I am sure we all remember those days of being on a date and so as not to offend, holding in a fart for so long it dissolved into your skin.
Was that just me?
It's not like I am telling you about the number two itself, lass. I mean at no point have I mentioned tar, or sticky toffee pudding or salmon?
She made a noise which sounded like she had been holding in a fart for far too long herself. Let it go. I silently urged her in my mind.
What on earth do those words even mean? I don't want to hear about your poos?! Understand?
She said exasperatedly.
I'm not talking about poos. Not the end product. I am talking about the journey. My life experiences during the birthing of said poos.
The good lady managed to somehow narrow one eye and open the other wide in a spectacular grimace.
What?! Journey?! I don't want to hear about your 'Journey' when doing a poo. I don't want to hear about your toilet habits at all actually. Do you hear me?
I suppose.
I sat down huffily.
I thought we had no secrets...
I said sulkily, like a teenager forced to eat spinach.
The good lady put down her pen once more.
Daddy-Bear, It's ok to have some secrets, in fact some secrets are absolutely fine, alright?
I stood up from my chair.
Right then, maybe I will just trot off to a brothel.
The good lady laughed.
Well, if you have just told me, it's not a secret is it?
I gave her the Welshman's Stare and headed for the door.
Fine, I am not going to a brothel. I am going for another shit.
Arrrhh. I don't want to know about your toilet stuff!
I stopped at the door and turned to deliver one last word.
Don't ask me if it's another power shit... It's a secret.
someetimes a good poo is better than a good seeing to (in or out of a brothel)!
That's what they say! :0D
I laugh what you mention about the confidence to talk about your needs but I think the good lady is right! Not everything you should tell him or the way you do poo lol
It's the journey!!! ;0)
I mean, she can hardly talk. Although I suppose she didn't mention it, she just left you the evidence - and the cleanup.
Haha, yeah, she doesn't mind depositing in the bank but doesnt talk about it quite the way I do!!
Mmm, gluten free jaffa cakes sound good to me. I just blanked out everything from then on...
They were quite nice I thought!
howdy sir meesterboom! haha! you're right, that line about the gluten free cakes was pretty offensive! Alot of people wouldn't be able to handle that but otherwise a very inoffensive post!
Hehe, you gotta mix it up between the safe and not safe ;0D
Holey Shhhh--- I am in the exact same situation! It's uncanny! I keep telling my fair lady that the journey, the emotions and other pertinent information need to be told. Otherwise, what kind of unholy union do we find ourselves in? I didn't partake of vows that swear to hold secrets. I swore to tell the truth, the truth and nothing but the truth, goddammit!
What is it with women and shutting down when it comes time to talk about fecal matters. I mean, how rude! We never even flinch when we talk about their period. From here on in we make a stand, it's all of us or none. They can't have only parts of us.
We never flinch!! Well, maybe a bit when it looks like one of the cats has killed a pigeon in the toilet. Hehe!!
Oh shoot! You're right! If you don't flinch from that, then you're a monster. We, gentlemen, are no monsters of course. Of course!
Of course not! Have I said of course enough? Have you? Of course we have!!
I was banned from shitting at home lol. I suppose if we were all vegans it wouldn't be an issue. It's not an issue for me but the rest of the house lol.
I think if we were all vegans it might be term times worse. At least the stench might be :0D
O my goodness it is as thought you were in my house - I had this exact discussion with my husband....now I wonder is this a man's thing??
It must be a man thing!!! I am glad I am not alone!!!
Must be the result of that shit beer you had on Saturday.
I was thinking something very similar!!
There are things, my son, that women are just incapable of understanding- 1) the satisfaction of bodily functions well performed and the equally if not more satisfying experience of being able to describe them in great and lurid detail. 2) And related; the ability to understand euphemisms and similes and other forms of humor.
They always say they want us to open up more and share our feelings and when we do... look at what it gets us! As shit posts go- this was one of the best!!!
Hehe, I kept thinking through the writing of this they it was a shit post on a grand scale!!
You are right they don't understand these fine and lofty things!! More fool them :0)
All of your posts are of a grand scale... But you outdid yourself with this one!
What can I say... I like a shit! :OD
Like the old saying goes: "It's some really good shit man!"