Save Me!

You be ok with the kids for half an hour won't you?

The good lady said as she laid a hand on the door handle in anticipation of her escape.

I made a noise like a horse in a wheelie bin.

Of course I will be fine. For goodness sake, I am more than capable of parenting my own children for a matter of minutes.

I scrunched my face like a rabbit eating an old shit.

The good lady rolled her head to the side.

Well, I only asked because I know you are feeling a little delicate this morning...

I harrumphed loudly and shook my head.

Pfft. Go, I am sure I can cope.

Ok, should only be half an hour, maybe less. See you soon.

And off she trotted.

I was feeling a tad delicate today. My cold had mutated into full on man-flu and my head ached a little from the beer the night before. I suppose that will teach me not to stay up so late.

The two kids were playing by themselves. Ha, sometimes the good lady was such a silly. Of course everything would be fine.

I felt as rough as a badger's chuff and decided to have a Pot Noodle.

I don't know if you are familiar with them. The perfect antidote to hangovers and colds. Cup noodle things with loads of E numbers and salt. Bloody magic.

The good lady hates them. Which made this the perfect time to snarf one down.

I made one and bought it through to the lounge. It was a spicy one and to double down against my cold and general meh feeling, I banged a big pile of sriracha sauce in it for extra hot spice.

The little boom had stopped playing and came over to 'talk' to me. He doesn't know many words and his favourite is 'that'.

He pointed at my pot noodle.

That!!

Yes, it's a pot noodle. Too spicy for you, I'm afraid.

He looked annoyed.

That!!

He pointed at something else on the floor. I looked but couldn't see anything.

Sorry little man. I can't see what you are wanting?

At this point the little lady came over.

Oh!! Noodles!!! Can I have some?

I hooked the noodle cup out of her reach.

No you cannot, they are too spicy for you.

Aw, I want a taste!

She cried.

That!! That!!!

Pointed the little boom again at the empty piece of floor.

Sorry son, I don't know what you are pointing at?

Daddy please, please, please. Let me taste your noodles?.

This was getting a bit much. The little boom was starting to work himself into a lather pointing at nothing and insisting I understand what he meant and now the little lady was getting frenzied over my pot noodle.

Fuck it, I decided to let her have some whilst I humoured the little guy.

Go on then, have a taste but just a little. It's very spicy.

She whooped and grabbed my noodles and fork and enthusiastically started shovelling spicy noodles into her mouth.

The little boom started stamping his feet and wailing about the carpet.

That... That!! That!!!

I looked, mystified at where he was pointing. There was nothing there.

Hey little guy, I can't see anything? What is it?

Upon witnessing my continuing stupidity he threw his head back and screamed. Throwing himself to the floor in paroxysms of rage.

Oh bugger.

I moved to pick him up when there was an anguished scream from behind me.

I turned. The little lady had a hand on her mouth.

My mouth's ON FIRE!!!

She screamed, starting to jump up and down.

Hold on lass, I will get you in a minute, I just need a...

The little boom's screams of fury were reaching fever pitch.

So everything will be alright, eh, Daddy-Bear?

It was the good lady, at the door, witnessing the screaming, snottery carnage.

I looked up, relieved and idiot-like.

Save me, Mummy-bear, save me!