Redshift

Why don't you come back to bed.

The good lady purred at me from a tussle of bedclothes.

I paused mid-pulling-up of my trousers, spat in my hand and slapped my own bare arse at her.

I gotta get out there baby, gotta see to my latest case. The streets don't stop.

Are you sure honey? Isn't it just another IT project full of buzzwords and jargon?

I shook my head wryly. She might have the moves of a Russian gymnast between the sheets but mentally sometimes the good lady missed her landing after a spinning back pike.

That's what they want you to think baby.

She sighed and patted the spare boob that wasn't currently being feasted upon by the little boom.

Sure I can't tempt you with some milky-pops?

I laughed.

Gotta fly sweetcheeks, detectivity calls.

I sat at a trestle table on the 5th floor breakout area. Sitting facing me was a small moustachioed man. FannyBadger. He had the air of someone who sells phials of jizzum in alleyways.

I pretended to listen as he welcomed me to the team and gave me the lowdown on the new project that I was to be starting.

I was on the edge of snoring when he mentioned something that caused my prostate to pulse violently.

Our estate is currently a tightly coupled monolithic architecture and we need to change that. In short, we need to break the monoliths.

I sat up straighter and gave FannyBadger a bit more of my attention. Not too much mind. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and to bend over and present himself to me.

I had watched a lot of Ape porn recently for investigative purposes and I knew well that if you scratched the surface of any one of us you would find a hooting chimpanzee ready to throw its own filth at the walls and hump anything 'L' shaped.

Monoliths, you say?

I arched an eyebrow. I was quite fond of producing my own monolith and the idea of breaking them gave me a shiver.

But was he talking penis or was he talking Space Odyssey aliens interfering with our destiny?

Yes, monoliths. I am sure you will agree that the current way of working does not allow us to innovate?

Oh I agree, take back control of our own destiny. Master our own fate. Yes.

He gave me an odd look. He probably hadn't expected me to join all the dots together in one fell swoop.

We are working with an external delivery partner on this. It will be unlike any project you have worked on before. Lots of opportunities...

Fannybadger stood. A pensive expression on his face like a Koala licking a beef medallion.

So, are you ready to get behind the curtain and meet the team?

An external delivery partner eh? This plot was thickening. Like soup made from human skin.

Oh yes. I'm ready.

I stood and followed him over to a nearby door.

He swung it open with a flourish. I staggered back slightly from the sight within. Shielding my eyes from the horror.

What the fuckity?