Presidente

It was officially warm outside, the needle of the thermometer having ticked up to double figures.

As I left work and headed for the train I smiled in the late afternoon sun. My smile remained with me all the way to the train station.

There, it rapidly faded.

The thing about Glasgow, well, one of the many things, is that most of the population goes a bit nuts when it gets warm.

And really, in Glasgow, going nuts when it's warm means getting drunk as fuck and annoying everyone else around you in the hopes of getting in a bit of a fight.

I sighed with the weight of this knowledge as I heaved myself onto the train surrounded by hordes of drunk and half drunk Glaswegians.

I did manage to get a table seat though and for a moment my smile came back.

Until more people got on and took the seats beside me. Drunk people.

It's ok, I thought to myself. Maybe they won't annoy me?

See that? Tomorrow they will announce that I am going to be the President of Nicaragua.

The large and drunken fool beside me blurted out, interrupting my thoughts.

Eh, what?

I said, giving the mad dobber the hard eye.

He leaned over my phone a little too romantically and pointed at a random Steemit article I was reading.

I looked at my phone then him.

That says Venezuela.

Aye, there. That's me.

He pointed again at my phone.

I pursed my lips and let out a flubbery dubbery farting noise and decided to ignore him.

He nudged me with his elbow.

Am only kiddin big yin. Only kiddin.

He said, giving me a seedy wink as if he wanted to fellate me.

Right you are.

I grunted before ignoring him some more.

I'll be VICE-PRESIDENT! HAHAHA HAHAHAHA!!!

I curled my lip at him as if he were a muddy otter trying to clamber into my boat.

Only joking, big man, only joking. See they phones nowadays, they're amazing aren't they?

He grinned at me in that special passive aggressive fighty way that Glasgow folk pull off so well.

I considered my options, then decided to play it safe.

How about I ram this amazing fucking phone right up your arse and phone yer maw and tell her you're a dick?

He twitched backwards, his face going dark as outrage started to take hold.

I quickly patted him on the arm and smiled in my own best snarly Glaswegian.

Am only joking, big man... Only joking.

I said with a manic gleam in my eye.

He left me alone after that.