in life •  last month 



A collection of shadows and rags screeched toward me, one grubby clawed hand reached out as if to impale me.

What the flying fucklies?!

I yelped, flinching back from the kitchen counter where I had been innocently about to pour my morning coffee.

The beasts claw fixed upon my wrist and its eyes bulged, mad and staring from its awful face.

Oi?! What are you up to?

I said with no little exasperation to the Good Lady's Doula friend, Olette.

She looked at me, her eyes dark and intense.


She barked like a mad old woman from a medieval fairy tale.

I looked at my fancy-dan Mokka espresso maker and looked back at her.

No, it's fucking coffee.

I said, hauling my arm free from her clutchy hand.

No, not the coffee. The cup?! POISON!!

She flicked her hand at my eco-cup and it skittered along the worktop to land on its side.

Right, that was it. Nobody messes with my morning coffee. I could put up with a lot of mad witchy things from the Good Lady's friend. Even her jamming her musty vagina up against my face in the name of healing my eye infection. (which astonishingly seemed to work, although it might not have had anything to do with the mustiness of her bahjeen.)

But messing with my coffee?

No way Jose.

Olette, you are talking mad pish. Let me pour my fucking coffee in fucking peace please.

I said, finding myself slightly impressed with my suave diplomacy.

No. Haven't you read about those bamboo cups? They are poison! Melamine! Formaldehyde!

I raised a hand to administer the death strike of the Jahmaahr. Finally, I would be rid of this hag.

Google it.

Olette commanded, her voice raspy as if with desperate longing for my fish fondue.

I lowered my hand and pulled my smartphone out for a bit of suspicious googling.

are bamboo cups poisonous

I typed before hitting enter with a thump that is quite hard to pull off on a small phone'y screen.

The reply spooled up on screen as silky sexy as I have come to expect from my centralised search provider.

All bamboo cups contain melamine resin
All of the cups tested contained melamine resin, a kind of plasticky glue made from formaldehyde and melamine. Melamine is suspected of causing damage to the bladder and kidneys, while formaldehyde is a known irritant and can even cause cancer if inhaled.

What the fuck?!?! She was right?

I looked up at her. She was smiling smugly. Holding out a normal porcelain mug for me to use.

I took it grudgingly.

Ok, Doula woman, you get to live another day...

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and their founder @jaynie

  ·  last month (edited)

Even things we think is okay or healthy is turning out to be not = us humans really fucks up most things. Not all bamboo cups have traces of melamine - depends on how it was made. Just do not eat your cup hahaha

Sometimes it really is like everything we have thought to be ok turning out to be grim! I will have to find one that doesn't have that melamine malarkey. I really liked that cup!



Who does this claw belong to?

Posted via Marlians.com

A friend of the wife's! She comes round on a Sunday so they can discuss childbirth and all that jazz

Ooooooh. The story makes so much more sense now.

The snatch most def cured your eye. Parteras know... stuff.

Posted using Partiko iOS

Even her jamming her musty vagina up against my face in the name of healing my eye infection.

It is critical that you trust in the wisdom of any woman who rubs your eye with her vagina in an attempt at healing…(Google It)

Now I’m confused... again.

That’s what happens when I try to make sense of these stories instead of just laugh, smile and enjoy.

But usually, they make sense... lol. Or maybe I just can’t with the vagina (which I called snatch in a comment earlier when I thought we were referring to an animals vagina).


I love this blog.

Posted using Partiko iOS

Lol, I am glad to hear you love it!!

Trying to make sense of them, that way lies madness!!

I am on the Googles right now to verify this!!

Good; and make sure you're wearing your goggles while Googling less ye incur eye strain, requiring another vagina compress to the face...

That description at the beginning was awesome XD

Hehe, it's most unkind of me but it is how I see her!! :0D

  ·  last month (edited)

I've come to think everything we consume is poison(ed) these days. Sadly. So it comes down to the level of poisoning you're willing to accept.

Also, does she sleep over at your place on Saturday nights? She always seems to be there on a Sunday.

Nah, she comes quite early though. As regular as clockwork!

I was quite horrified by the stuff its made of, I was really fond of my bamboo cup but its really just made of nasty glue. Its in the bin now!

An important public health message. I never knew this about bamboo cups. Crazy. Perhaps this meesterboom style of Public Service/Health Announcements is just the ticket for spreading the news...

Posted using Partiko iOS

Hehe, it might be my new niche!! ;0)

I didn't even know Bamboos made cups.

The bamboos are quite cunning that way!!

So basically you could describe the bamboo cup the same way you describe olette's chim chim charoo? 😆

You could!! Dank, brown and musty!!! ;0D

I might be really overtired and a little stoned, but for the life of me I can't decipher the riddle of the comment to me by the cute girl below (cue puzzled emoji 😂)

Good lord, me neither!!!

Her vagina - it’s doesn’t get any sun. And she used it as medicine.

It’s her sunless medicine.

Posted using Partiko iOS

Then that is what I will call it from now on!

Ah, I see, hahaha, I like the way your brain works ;-)

Ahaha. I had almost forgotten about the sunless medicine.

Posted via Marlians.com


From a quick google search

There is a high chance that ceramic, porcelain, china or bone china will contain lead or cadmium since they all use glaze and often lead and cadmium are used in the glaze. ... Microwaving food in the dishes that may contain lead will also accelerate leaching of the lead

I don't think there is anything safe in the world that we use to eat or drink with. Even our fingers can carry or pick up some nasty germs. ;-} enjoy your coffee.

Oh noes!! Everything is bad! I will have to drink my coffee out of my hands!!! :OD

The doomies got my last straw with the straw debacle in the states here. Like the straws are the number one cause of everything bad, so now it's like, oh crap, something else they want to take away from us for our own good, for our own safety. If they can not take it from use they make us scared of using it. Just think about all those bamboo products in the far east, and look at the rate of cancers in their native populations that have been using it for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. One million china men are obviously wrong.

Oh man, the straw thing. That annoys me as well. And Exactly. Sometimes people do get all het up over the latest danger that they think it's on the horizon and it's nothing at all!

Those straws! Now I have a fancy silver one that comes complete with a fancy straw cleaner...

I am so glad I am no longer wasting on single use straws - that is, until I lose my fancy silver straw...

Posted via Marlians.com

Why reinvent the wheel I say. Best stick to what has for centuries!

Why reinvent the
Wheel I say. Best stick to what
Has for centuries!

                 - old-guy-photos

I'm a bot. I detect haiku.

You mean poison!!! ;0)

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