Love Trains and Tarts

in #life15 days ago


I paused at the door of the Beer Shop. Something seemed amiss. No, scratch that. Something was not merely amiss.

Something was terribly terribly wrong.

For a start. Inside looked to be packed with people.

Which was odd.

Added to that, the doors were vibrating slightly to the bass of the music that could be heard, thumping away on the inside.

I furrowed my brow at the tune. Some shitty old fashioned number about a Love Train.


What the very fuck was going on?

I girded my loins and pushed my way in.

It was hot and crowded inside. I could barely squeeze through the crowd of bearded men standing around, resting glasses of beer on their big jutting out bellies.

Ey op! Ere ee is! The star attraction!

The Bear-Man yelled over the din as I broke through into a clearing in the middle of the bearded man-woods.

I looked around fearfully. The Star Attraction!?

Holy shit. Had they been waiting for me? Was this finally it?!?

Was I to be passed around all of these big-bellied beardos as some kind of meat trinket??

My eyes widened and I snorted deeply like a bull spying the Vet with the big hands again.

What are you talking about? What's going on?

I looked distastefully around me.

We are having a tasting!

The Bear-Man passed me a small glass of something frothy and brown.

Go on. Try that.

He urged.

I noticed several of the bearded belly men watching me. No doubt the glass I had been handed was full of drugs and I was mere minutes away from being forced into a tutu and thumbed like a dog's ear.

I set my mouth in a grim line.

No way Jose, not whilst I still had...

Did you get the missus summat nice for Valentine's then?

Asked the Bear-Man innocently.

I froze.

All thoughts of being muck-pumped by brutes flew out of my mind.

My mouth had gone awfully dry.


I hadn't. Not even a card!? Fuck. Here I was dicking about in a beer shop whilst my little chicken pie was at home without even a card!?

She would not be happy.

You like tarts? I got this Manchester Tart stout... Hey, you look a bit pale?

The Bear-Man looked concerned.

Tarty beer? Brilliant. I'll take it. Must dash!

I paid and pushed my way rudely out of the shop.

I had bigger things to fear than Bear Men and their penises. I had a wife with no Valentine's.



As apropos and hilarious a post as ever and it caught me by such a surprise!

Thank you! I do like delivering a surprise. :0)


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I'm a terrible person and don't do Valentines. J always gets me chocolate anyway though and any excuse for chocolate XD

So you didn't end up getting to taste beers and chat to Bear Men? Guess it was statistically unlikely that Bear Man was the only one of his kind XD

I didn't! I didn't get to be inducted into the Bear Hall or anything. It's my Friday lunchtime treat too. I was most miffed!!!

Argh what a bummer XD Hopefully he'll have another one next month, or next Friday, or however long an interval is deemed appropriate for beer tasting things XD

Fortunately you escaped a rather painfully, forceful intrusion...!!!

Ooo,I missed this, sorry mate! I did escape it!!

Get some Chinese takeaway, mine's happy with that.. and cheap Tesco roses.. the wilted ones are on sale at 25p.

I'm getting Indian!! And flowers already in the bag!! I feel like a valentine's king!!!

So you are turning up on Valentines with your mouth wrapped around some tart?

Doghouse imminent!

There are no cards!!!! Shiiit! I am gonna try mark's as a last resort.

Did get flowers though,!! :0) doghouse averted hopefully!!

Did you see the news? Tron news?

Cards are an environmental disaster, flowers should do nicely 👍🏽

I have heard rumours but not seen anything official. Do you have something solid?

Justin Sun put out a tweet, he announced it on medium!!

Flowers for the win!! I am sure that will save me

Looks good!

And STEEM just touched 30 cents 😁

I know, the price is pumping! Maybe some feel this is the boost we need. I'm pure feart!

Who needs a bird this Valentine’s Day when I can stare at the charts all evening and drink this 🥰


Hot damn, that looks awesome but also deadly!!!!

Let the stout be your burd this evening and fly!!!! :0D

Feeling a tad suicidal are we????

I managed to save the day!!! It read a close shave though!!!

Mark one up for the Bear Man!

I mark to many up to him!!

This will be a classic.

Haha, I might just be able to fix it!!

I always escape this issue...We don't do the Valentine's Day thing. Seems so contrived and that's not what we're about. Still, I hope it worked out for you. I'm sure you swept her off her feet with a sonnet or some such romantic thing. 🙂

The hunt for the card is on... brave the urban jungle to find the illusive pray.

The cards have all been snapped up!! Aiyee!

for you

Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of BEER from @eii for you. Enjoy it!

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lol..hilarious sir meesterboom."like a bull spying the Vet with the big hands again." lol. Was the Good Lady angry?

No! I managed to get her flowers even at that time of the day. She was quite happy!

Great job sir meesterboom! You survived that close call!

It's all about survival!