Hands On

Help me, BoomDawg, you're my only hope!

I stopped mid-stride on the way back to my desk and looked for the owner of the mournful cry.

Nearby a small Gothic looking chap was waving his skinny black-clad arm in the air as if he was drowning.

It was Magpie, one of our testers. So called because of his penchant for black clothing and shiny silver rings.

I headed over.

Magpie, what's up?

Oh man, like, thank fuck I saw you there. I'm totally stuck man. Can you help me?

He mewled at me, still waving his arm feebly, like a baby ostrich with no bones in its neck.

I made a it's gonna cost you type face and sucked through my teeth.

You wanting help from me and my big bollocks? You must be a very desperate man indeed.

He made a face at the mention of big bollocks as if haunted by them in his dreams.

I don't need to hear about big bollocks. I'm struggling to create a test customer in MORS, can you help?

I winced at the mention of MORS. It was our old legacy database system which was notorious for the number of years it had been out of support.

It was a bastard to deal with.

Not for me though, I had worked on it for years up until recently.

We were like lovers, MORS and me. Well except for the squishy widgy wet bits that normally accompany the act of lovin.

I pulled a seat over and sat down.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't suppress a smile. Since being 'promoted' to line management I had increasingly found myself doing less actual stuff.

Instead, my job seemed now to consist of meetings and conference calls and the occasional bout of mindless management training in which we were actively encouraged not to actually do anything but talk about how to do it instead.

The next ten minutes passed in the blink of an eye.

At the end of which, I heaved my giant and handsome testicles out of my trousers and onto the desk where Magpie and myself spent some moments admiring them.

Metaphorically speaking of course. Magpie had no chance of admiring my testicles given his lack of hungry hippo.

Aw man. Awesome. Thanks very much.

Exclaimed Magpie, no doubt already calculating how he could pass my ten minutes of work off as three days of his own.

I laughed and shook my head as if it were nothing.

Anything else you want a hand with?

I asked generously.

Before Magpie could answer, a voice bellowed out like an angry giraffe in the mist.

BoomDawg!! What are you up to?

I stood up hurriedly, dusting my hands against my trousers as if I had just baked a pie.

Um, was just helping Magpie with a scenario he was having trouble...

El Jefe cut me off.

No HANDS ON!

He barked.

But I...

He made asnarly-warly don't cross me face.

No. Hands. On.

He stomped off, muttering something about managers thinking they weren't managers.

I checked the time and saw I was due for a meeting. Sighing, I got up.

No hands on, boo hiss.