Foxes

Last night I had the splendid opportunity to go out with my old muckeroo @wisbeech. Yes, a fellow steemian in the flesh!

I don't go out very often since the coming of the second child, in fact, I think I have only gone out once(ish). So I was very excited indeed.

We chose to prowl the south side of Glasgow which is rapidly becoming the New West End instead of the Poor man's West End as it used to be. I know. I know, how confusing.

So off we trotted, trying out the finest craft beer bars and trying out all manner of shenanigans.

At points we laughed...

At points, we roared and clashed our tankards together...

Eventually, the night ended and we went our separate ways.

I woke up this morning in what can only be described as a bit of a nick. Gingerly, I made my way downstairs. I greeted the family good morning and sat down wondering if I could muster the strength to make myself a coffee.

The good lady got up and went into the kitchen, returning moments later with a steaming hot cup of haw mawfee. I almost wept with gratitude.

Then she spoke.

Daddy, I have alarming news.

O M G.

This was it. She was obviously going to tell me that she was expecting baby number 3. I was doomed, how would I cope? I had barely gotten used to the sleep deprivation from number 2?!??

I obviously hadn't been careful enough when flinging the salty porridge about.

I readied myself to burst into tears.

The good lady continued.

I think there was an intruder in the house last night.

Eh? What the hecking heck was she talking about?

What do you mean, an intruder?

The good lady put a hand on her hip and cocked it aggressively at me.

Well, when I got up this morning I found a shoe in the hall...

Ah.

Then when I got into the living room I found another shoe in the middle of the floor...

In the middle of the floor you say? Madness!

I responded with incredulous innocence.

Then I went into the kitchen and found a pair of jeans in the middle of the floor.

Hmm, I don't really remember the why for that one.

Ok baby, there was no intruder.

Really Daddy? Really? There was no intruder? But how can we explain the random clothing strewn everywhere?

The good lady held her hands to the side in stage-school puzzlement.

I took a deep breath.

*Well, you see, it was like this... On the way home, I was chased by a fox.

I ran into the house but it managed to get in behind me. I used the only weapons I had to hand, so in the hall, I threw a shoe at it. Still, it kept coming, I ran into the lounge and threw another shoe at it. Boom, headshot!

One of the good lady's eyebrows seemed to be climbing up to her hairline.

It was stunned but quickly recovered. I ran into the kitchen, it was snapping at my heels and caught the hem of my jeans. I struggled and fought but it pulled my jeans clean off. As it did so I managed to bash the living daylights out of it with a rolling pin. I dumped the body in the garden then went to bed.

I gave the good lady my best fox-killing smile.

Well, next time leave the foxes at the door, hmm?

Yes lass.

I muttered apologetically.

Bloody foxes.