Feelin Waspish

in life •  last month 

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Excuse me, there is a wasp in my coffee.

I said to the damp, beige-looking young chap at the till of the park cafe.

He leaned over and fingered a lank lock of hair behind his ear so he could peer into my cup. The wasp, demonstrating its immortality stopped swimming for a moment and glared up at him. No doubt imagining giving him a right good diddling with its stinger when it escaped.

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Ha, so there is!

Beige-Boy exclaimed.

I gave him a stare flatter than any flat-white he could serve up.

What? You want me to fish it out for you?

Beige-Boy said solicitously.

I beg your fucking pardon?

I barked.

Beige-Boy jerked back as if stung by my response. His surprise quickly turning to hurt as if I had the barbed penis of a cat and had withdrawn it from his grumbling nelly too quickly.

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The wasp, man. You want me to fish it out of your coffee for you?

He offered again, a tad more sulkily this time.

No, I don't want you to fish it out for me. I want a fresh one. Please?

Beige-Boy looked startled.

You want a fresh one?

He looked down at my almost full cup and at the wasp frantically swimming from side to side within. The idea of me not wanting to drink the brown bathwater of an angry sting'y bastard taking a moment to register.

Yes. Please. If that isn't too much trouble.

I said.

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Beige-Boy face creased as if his arse was very deliberately and slowly chewing some toffee. Then he nodded ponderously.

Ok. I will do it this once as a gesture of goodwill.

He intoned in a bizarrely robotic fashion. He reached out for my cup then paused as he saw the look I was giving him.

What?

He asked.

A gesture of goodwill? Are you fucking high?

No? No! Definitely not.

He looked furtive as if I was his mother asking why he needed so much hand cream.

I passed him my cup.

The wasp chose at that moment to finally give in and sink.

I inclined my head at its passing. It was a poignant moment

Such is the way of the world.

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For 2.70, you should have extracted the wasp, grabbed it by the wings and started shouting "Spit it out ya bastard!!!!"

Simply for the look of terror on Beige-Boys face.


Then still asked him to give you another one.

Double coffee and entertainment all in one!!

Hehe. I would have but am petrified of wasps for some insane reason!!

How much for that waspy coffee today Boomy? Hot drinks must have one of the best mark-ups in the service industry and I think you should at least get a cake with your wasp.

This place is quite scandalous, 2.70!!! If I get a cake it's over a fiver... Oops, giving away my getting a cake secrets! :0)

2.70!

That's 2p for the cup, 1 pence for the water, and 3/4p for the coffee :O

So it's over a fiver most of the time then? :P

Hahahahah!! Yas! If the missus knew how much I was throwing on the fire when it comes to coffee and cakes she would have a fit. She might guess by my increasing waistline right enough...

Blame that on needing to eat an alternative breakfast to the strange stuff that arrives on the table at times :O

It's the only thing that gets me through the odd and mad vegan-esque nonsense!!

You should say I want you to swollow it.😎

Haha, I was tempted her might have learned something!

Erm, drunkenness making it hard to focus, but I had to drop by because Evil Twins Brewing. Kicking my ass with its 12%

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Yep, Even More Jesus Imperial stout... Initially tastes good, after taste is uhh, a little astringent, but overall fuck yeah (that's my review)

Good lord, would you look at that thing of beauty!! Hehe, they are a fine bunch arent they!!

Ahh that poor wasp! Did it actually glare as I can totally imagine it doing that 🤣

They didn’t automatically offer/get you a new one? I hope the rest of their service or at least the food is amazing 😆 I’m okay with fishing some things out of coffee with no complaint but there’s other things where even at home I’d be ditching and starting again (things with venom and flies are pretty high on that list).

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Aye, it was quite the glary bastard of a thing. It was furious that it couldnt get out!

I expected to be offered a new one without a fudd but the dude was quite baffled. It is a lovely wee cafe apart from that though. Looks out on a pond and everything!

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