Earth Father

Today I had a day off and the family went to the local art centre place called the Tramway.

It's a really funky place. We were going because the good lady thought that some mummy and daughter time was needed. The little lady has been a little fragile at times since the birth of her little brother.

So it was decided that the pair of them would book up some arty, express-yourself dance-type class whilst I would look after little boom for a couple of hours.

We arrived and the pair trotted off.

You sure you will be ok daddy?

Enquired the good lady kindly.

Of course I will, now bugger off.

I gently replied.

The good lady had a terrible habit of assuming that I am like your typical man-dad who will fold under the pressure of looking after a baby for five minutes.

Her and the little lady tootled off.

No sooner had they gone of course then the little boom started wailing. Huge racking sobs as if a rat was chewing at his feet.

I walked him around humming my patented baby calming tune. It's got three notes which go up. Then down.

It didn't work.

I dandied him on my knee.

It didn't work.

I got the milk out. Couldn't fail with this one surely. By now his screams were almost cracking the cement floor beneath our feet.

As soon as he sniffed the milk though he quietened.

I sat there all proud of myself and fed the hungry little tike. He slurped and slurped. Nearby mother's became moist at the sight of such a handsome man feeding his little baby.

I gave a particularly debonair smile to the spectating mummies. That's right sisters, the baby whisperer is here. Now accepting crypto as well as payments of the flesh

The milk ran out. All four ounces of it. What da fuck? That was enough for two feeds?

He started yelling. Ah, it will be wind. I threw him onto my shoulder and gave him a right good burping.

It didn't work.

His screaming intensified. What the hell man, he was never like this. Aha, nappy! He probably needed changed!

I swiftly galloped into the toilet and commenced the changing. I was mid change when his screaming stopped. I looked up. He was looking at me quite serenely, a little smile on his face.

Awwww!!

Then a fountain of piss gushed up like old faithful soaking my chin, chest and then landing back down on him. Frantically I pawed a nappy over his little wang and took stock.

We were both soaked in baby piss. He made a little happy grunt and smiled at me.

I smiled back. The wonders of parenthood. I stuck him in dry clothes then took him out.

Having pissed all over his daddy he was relatively content. I pulled on the strange wrap thing that the good lady had used and popped him in it.

In the wrap he settled down and went to sleep. I sat down and damply tried my best to look cool.

The good lady and the little lady came back bouncing about happily.

Hey daddy, how was it!!

I grinned, hoping that the smell of piss was starting to fade.

Ach it was no bother.