Crypto Trading 2019 - The Bear Essentials

Fancy being a Crypto Trader? Put off by the so-called bear market? Well, worry not. This How-To series is for you!

And don't worry, I have made literally HUNDREDS of SATOSHIS this year and we are only in February. Follow my advice and YOU can make bank too.

Let's begin.

Crypto Trading, it's a tricky tricky thing. Back during the bull run of 2017 we could all be forgiven for thinking that we were Trading Gods.

I mean, it seemed easy. You bought a coin and the price went up. Later you sold it, cracking open the champagne and felching yourself in celebration of your awesome trading acumen.

Nowadays, this difficult bear market has made trading an altogether different beast.

But don't worry. In this new Crypto Trading series I will give you all the tips and tools to make YOU a MASTER TRADER.

Forget HODLing and start WINNING, TODAY!

Firstly though, there is some groundwork to be done before we actually get to trading.

You gotta look the part, girlfriend. Back in the bull run we were all wearing Gucci and Armani suits. Buying coffee in loud voices and telling everyone that the blockchain was changing the world.

We were hiring rough faced men with big tools to widen the doors in our fancy homes to accommodate our ever growing, large testicles.

But the bear market changed all that.

Now you have to hustle, you've got to be edgy, you've got to be urban. Caps and velour sportswear are what you need to be wearing to be taken seriously.

And bling. Bling is back. Go down the local thrift shop and buy some brass coloured tat, especially if it's on a chain. Hang it around your neck.

Lookin good sister. You're ready for number 2.

Nobody's going to take you seriously if you don't smoke, it's as simple as that. Or at least it was. This is 2019 baby. Smoking is so over.

Now you gotta vape. If you don't have one go out and buy one of those big fucking Chrome handgun-esque vapers. 70 British pounds should set you up or whatever that is in dollars, probably hundreds. Nobody knows how dollars work anymore.

Getting closer to those glorious trades. Take a big vape and...

The bottom. Everyone asks if we have hit bottom yet.

Well, remember. A successful trader makes his own bottoms. Make a post on Steemit telling everyone that you are calling The Bottom.

Advise your followers to start buying coins or they will miss out. Tell them that's EXACTLY what you are doing.

Make sure to put a disclaimer at the end of your post saying This is not financial advice. Put a winking emoji after it.

NOW USE BOTS TO BOOST YOUR POST INTO TRENDING.

You might get some snark in the comments. That's ok, because...

Losers hate winners. You are going to attract losers in the comment section that disagree with you simply because of your success.

It is very important to CLOSE THESE FUCKERS DOWN. It is not good for you or your followers to have to deal with or even see such negativity.

Here are a few pointers to use in replies to such comments. It is important to use the word BITCH a lot. In capitals.

Enjoy working for the CIA much, BITCH?

I sold all my shit at the top, BITCH.

YOU'RE MY BITCH NOW. I OWN YOU.

BITCH BITCH MOTHER FUCKING BITCH.

These are just a few of the subtle neuro-linguistic tricks that everyone should have at their disposal.

Now, you might be wondering, when do I get to trade and make BIG MONEY?

Patience Padawan. That shit is coming in part two.

Join me, when we make our first BEAR BUYS.