Confluence #3

in life •  2 months ago

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What is this?

I was about leave for work. My fedora was on and tilted at a rakish angle and my long coat swished suavely about my middle bits.

The object in question was a plastic tub full of a strange paste like substance. I tilted it up to the light. The contents sat thickishly within, like a brown cement.

The good lady looked up from her chair where she was filing her nails.

It's your lunch. I made it for you.

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She beamed happily, no doubt her innards were inflamed with pleasure at the idea of her man feasting on her lunch-box.

I lifted the box higher so as to get a look underneath it.

It's not... It's not arse pastry is it?

The good lady made a fat man sitting next to her on the train kind of face.

No silly. It's houmous.

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I pushed my lips out like a cow moo-ing.

Hooooo-mooos?

She stopped filing.

Houmous.

Hoooo-ooo-mouse?

I prised the lid open a crack.

Houmous. Hummus if you are going to be pedantic.

She replied flatly.

As I opened the box a waft of something noxious breathed out.

Ghuurk. What the fonking Mirandas!?!

The good lady raised herself slowly to all 5 foot 8 inches of her terrible height.

It's a bit garlicky. I used four cloves. It still tastes nice though.

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I slammed the box shut, hoping fervently that it wasn't too late to have prevented the evils and miseries from within loose upon the world.

Hmm. Ok. Right, well enough of the pleasantries my little honky-tonk woman. I must be off to work.

I adjusted my fedora slightly.

I am on... a case.

I whirled my long coat out behind me and departed with a flourish that wet washing hanging on a line in a storm would be proud of.

When I was clear of the house I lifted the lunch box from my bag and hastily dumped it in a bin. Heeurgh, something about that box gave me the heebies.

I instantly felt better.

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I threw myself into a chair beside Mikey, he was drinking something that stank. It suited him. I peered over the rim of his cup.

What the hell is that, Mikey?

Mikey sighed, for all the world as if this was just another day. Fool.

It's chamomile tea. It keeps me grounded in this place.

Calm-o-mile, eh? You think they have calm-o-mile in Prison, Mikey?

I'm not in Prison so fuck off.

Mikey huffily turned his back on me.

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I wheeled my chair close to him.

Why do you think Elon Musk was so keen to get into the caves with those Thai boys, Mikey?

Mikey spluttered into his tea and hastily put it down.

I think you will find that he wasn't interested in going anywhere near them. In fact he just wanted to send a submersible to aid in their rescue.

I shook my head.

Oh Mikey, Mikey. No. Prison. That's why.

Mikey blinked fast, his brain flip flopping around in his oddly shaped head. He made to reply but I got in first.

So. Tell me, Mikey. What do you know about Audit and the strange team on the fourth floor?

Audit...

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Mikey's face paled. He looked around urgently as if he could hear escaping gas.

Don't mention them out loud for god's sake. What if someone heard??!

There was panic in his tone.

Don't get your pantaloons in a twist Mikey. I just need to know a few things. How long have they been up there?

Mikey gulped and made to stand, grabbing his mug of shit-o-mile tea.

I don't know anything... You hear? I never said anything either.

He leaned in close.

If you know what's good for you, you will stop asking questions. Nothing good comes of those who try to interfere with Audit.

He got up and looked around before scurrying off.

I leant back handsomely in my chair and chewed a pen lid contemplatively.

Well well well. Looks like something got Mikey rattled. All the more reason to believe there were vampires in our midst. It looks like this case was starting to get... interesting...

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Just don't blame the lady when you are hungry and in poor health because you didn't eat the Hummus. :)

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She can ram that stuff where the sun don't shine! 4 cloves!!! :0D

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Tonight my husband made dinner and I saw him FREELY POUR minced garlic from a giant jar into the pot. I thought I was gonna die. It was actually delicious. Just putting that out there. :-P

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I love garlic! I do the same!! But to have numerous raw cloves blended up with some chickpeas. Blegh!

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If nothing else it would clear up your sinuses and every other crack and crevice in your body. :-D

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Oh yes it would do that and no mistake! I think it would affect my pee and everything!

Not the first time a husband has tossed the good lady's food. I did it regularly but got caught. What she up to with 4 cloves of garlic, it will chase all the pretty ladies away.

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Aha!! Indeed! Now her nefarious plans are laid bare! No luck on getting caught ;O)

I think BoomDawg missed a beat ...

Do you know what goes great with shit-o-mile tea? Arse Pastry

It's a known fact.

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Ah, there you go. Thats what has been missing from my life!!!

once worked with a guy, always brought bologna sandwiches to work. One day he threw his sandwich out, and said, Dayum, I'm tired of bologna sandwiches. So I said, tell the wife to make you something different. He said, I make my own lunch...
some peoples children, heh! Hummus, you don't like hummus? I hear you can use it as drywall mud in a pinch!

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Haha, that's funny. He obviously need to jazz up his imagination!!

I am cementing my drive with it as we speak!

With 4 cloves of garlic, you would have been well protected from vampires, Boomy. I take it you aren't much for healthy food unless you include beer and burgers, perhaps an occasional chip or two?

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I love healthy food! I just can't stand hummus not made properly. I am a dab hand at making it myself :OD

Who eats hummus plain!? It's best as a dip.

And wouldn't you want that garlicky hummus if your suspicions were correct and the audit team was made up of vampires?

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But what if they are turning me with their infernal drinks!? What if I am stupid and can't think beyond detectivity!!

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Well, obviously the latter. But I'd think that the garlic would help with the former... Ok, now I'm confused. I should probably stop saying latter and former.

You may ignore the latter part of the last paragraph. Or the former. :0

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Latterly I have struggled with them myself! Or wait, do I mean lately? Hmm. probably the latter! ohohohoho!!

Hummus... Man you must have REALLY fucked up. My ex made me hummus once- I fed it to the neighbor's cat and he died! Better watch your back Bro!!!

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Hahahahhaha, oh man. I might just have dodged a bullet!!

I am eating hummus as I read this. I dip my cucumber in it.

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Enough of your filth sir!! :op

Ha, what are you going to tell the good lady when she asks what you thought of the hummus??

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I will smack my lips and say mmmmmmm!!!

Sounds to me like you just opened Pandora's box.

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Lol! I think so!

Mikey knows even more about it?? That's definitely interesting! For a guy who has no clue how to survive in prison, I'm surprised he even knows about Audit. Perhaps Mikey's more integral than I thought!

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He seems to have his finder on the pulse alright... What pulse I do not know but a pulse for sure!

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Is the pulse throbbing or streaky in nature?

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Always throbbing!!

Hello friend, espero que esté teniendo un buen dia, le mando un abrazo desde Venezuela.

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Hola amigo!! Gracias! Espero Tu bien!

from aliens to vampires hmm interesting....

upvoted and resteemed.

I wonder how much Hummus they will find during an internal audit?

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It all depends in which dark crevices they peer into!! :0D

What is Audit? that scared Mikey so much, this man knows more than what he says, you should push him more, in the style of Uncle Boom. Be careful of vampires, they are despicable beings
I wish you a beautiful night dear friend @meesterboom

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He definitely needs pushed!! All the way to hell!! Or prison ;0)

Not only that, but that huum mouse stuff aint cheap if you got to buy it!

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That's for sure!

Lol I stand with Hummus, should have at least given it a taste

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I might have, I wouldn't have been able to talk to anyone else that day though!

hummus and vampires, I mean really, what else do you need for a fantastic tale? I for one enjoy hummus with pita chips and raw veggies, and if I happen to be watching a TV show with Vamps or movie, so be it. hahahaha. Also this mysterious 4th floor audit has a bit of John Grisham feel to it...I like. :) Well done mr, I mean meester boom. haha

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Raw veggies, uurgh. I've never looked that with hummus. Don't mind a bit of toasted pitta bread though!

Hehe, I try to mix everything in these ones!

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Raw veggies are good lol...smothered in ranch dressing.....lol. hehehe yeah, I like how each day you have something different, and you stick to it. :) cough...book.

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Hehe!! You gotta have a routine! ;0)

one day!

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That is true, it is very efficient that way. haha

I think Mikey got a first-hand experience with the Audit. The Audit is suddenly a taboo in the company. What a strange team as you said. Mikey had gotten bitten by all the members of Audit! Hahahahahha! Upvoted!

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Mikey gotta watch. He will end up Prison bound! :O)

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