As It Lay Dying

That's odd.

My hand hovered uncertainly over the space on my desk where my wireless charger should have been.

It wasn't there.

This was not good. I had a Samsung phone and it was wilting fast. It needed juice but where the fuck was my charger? I could see the slight ring of dust that surrounded where it used to be but that was it.

I felt vaguely sick. What if my phone ran completely out of juice? How would I pass the time? Would I have to talk to people?

What about when I was sitting on the pan squeezing out a Wookie's finger??

Hell. This was serious.

Time for some detectivity.

Has anyone seen my fucking phone charger?

I stood and asked loudly.

The assorted gimpage that you find in any IT department flinched at the fact I was standing up and saying naughty things.

Where the fuck is it? Own up, if you took it?

I stared around at the mumping molemen that were my colleagues.

They ducked their heads and snuffled deep into their keyboards rather than gaze at a man in his prime with a dying phone in his hand.

Seriously? Who took it?

There was no response apart from a whimper nearby which could have been a developer successfully compiling a few lines of Java code or spontaneously ejaculating into a sandwich.

Whoa! Calm down BoomDawg. Calm down!

El Jefe had appeared as if from nowhere and was coming toward me, wafting his hands downward as if he were patting a donkey's chuff prior to a mounting.

I am perfectly calm, thank you. I just want to know who the fuck took my charger.

I flared my nostrils as if surreptitiously trying to smell vaginas.

Listen... Listen, it's ok. It's fine. I have it.

El Jefe said in a sotto voice as he pulled up an empty chair and plopped his large buttocks into it.

The chair creaked worryingly like an old woman bending over to pick up couscous.

Imperiously, I stuck my hand out.

You have it?? Give it back.

I said flatly, my eyes flicking sideward to my phone which lay limply on the desk, its light dimming as the end approached.

Hold your horses. Hold your horses. I took it for a very good reason...

He leaned in even closer than he was already.

Someone is taking things...

He whispered at me, looking around as if he feared being overheard.

Who?

I barked making him jump slightly.

We don't know. Things have been going missing. Little things. Sweets, chargers, you name it. We think there is a thief. I had to put your stuff in the secure cabinet.

El Jefe edged even closer, worryingly close now.

I twitched nervously. Everyone knows that you don't get too close to a man who has been married for twenty plus years regardless of your gender lest you end up caked in jizzum and running about in horror screaming he slimed me!

A thief you say?

I asked flatly.

Yes, a thief. Someone is taking things... I might need your help tracking them down?

El Jefe looked at me pleadingly as if I were carrying a flute and wearing purple pantyhose.

I know who it is that's taking things.

I said with a toss of my head.

What?! You know? Who? Who is doing it? Who is taking things? Who?

El Jefe's voice rose up into a crescendo of astonishment and hope.

YOU! You are the one taking things! Now go and get me my charger.

I stood and pointed at him accusingly.

He got up and shook his head at me wearily. I watched him go to the secure cabinet and fetch my charger.

There. Case solved.