Squeakers

in #life2 years ago

IMG-PHOTO-ART--108312182.jpg

Mummy-Bear, have you seen the antiseptic cream anywhere?

I yodelled as I proceeded to throw the contents of our kitchen drawers onto the floor in my fruitless search for something I wasn't even sure we owned.

Eh, we don't have antiseptic cream?! You know we don't believe in that kind of stuff.

The Good Lady's voice echoed from the lounge.

I rolled my eyes so hard I spun around slightly. Of course we don't believe in that stuff. Like real stuff that works. Oh no. I bet we had a million jars of calendula flower and beeswax though.

gxyx_20190130170648031_20190507185612889_20190508205014254_20190513192047068_20190527152037143.jpg

I snorted and threw my head back like an otter with a fish.

Fine, I will just die of the heebie beebers then.

I walked into the lounge nursing my elbow which had a tiny little friction burn on it from when I slid down the big slide in the park with the little lady the day before. It was stinging a little and annoying me.

The Good Lady was there with her friend and mentor from the Doula world, Olette.

And what have you done to yourself, Daddy?

Husked Olette as she sinuously unwound from her seat and approached me.

gxyx_20190130170648031_20190507185612889_20190508205014254_20190513192047068_20190527160659950.jpg

I made a face like an old man who can't find his slippers at her use of the word Daddy.

It's nothing, just a wee burn.

I said in my best grizzled old warrior voice. A voice that implied I had just returned from battle, wearily placing my bloodied and terrible axe by the fire and staring hollowly into the flames, the screams still ringing in my ears.

Oh, is it just a wee burn?

Said Olette seemingly attempting to mimic me.

Hmmph, try again when you have a big pair of nadgers hanging between your legs, lady and you might be close.

Aye. A wee burn.

I said dismissively.

I pulled my hand away from my elbow where it had been nursing my massive wound. Before I could blink Olette had snatched her hand out and grabbed at my arm, pulling it this way and that, casting a witchy eye over it.

It is just a wee burn. Just a wee one. It needs something though. Something to soothe it and help it heal.

I hoiked my arm back out of her grasp.

It will be fine.

Olette pursed her lips and looked to the Good Lady.

What do you say? A little milk perhaps?

The Good Lady snorted, a merry glint in her eye.

Yeah, that would work.

gxyx_20190130170648031_20190507185612889_20190508205014254_20190513192047068_20190527171952411.jpg

I looked at the pair of them, puzzled by their sisterly shenanigans.

Yours or mine?

Asked Olette.

Yours, I am feeding the little boom.

Responded the Good Lady with a giggle.

Olette turned back to me.

You hear that. A little milk will heal it. Lucky for you, I am still expressing.

She started fumbling with her top. I blinked several times. It looked like she was rummaging around with her boobs. Hey, what was going on? Surely she wasn't going to give me a diddy-ride in front of the missus? That would be a bit wrong. Wouldn't it?

Would it?

Erm, what are you up to?

I said, puzzled.

Olette stopped hauling at her thunder-bags and looked me square in the eye.

I'm just going to hand express a little milk and put it on your "wee burn."

She said with a wicked glint in her eye.

Neiiiiiiiiighhhh!!!!

I reared up like a deranged horse and danced skittishly about the room.

What?!?! No, you bloody well are not?!

She stood, rummaging deep under her top and approached me with an eyebrow raised.

Oh come on, it's just a wee bit of milk?

I skipped to and from as if being whipped with stingy penises.

Not bloody likely!

I ran.

Squeaker milk... on an injury!? These truly are the End Times.

Sort:  

"These truly are the End Times."

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only." Charles Dick-ens, A Tale of Two Cities

Charles knew his onions!! :0)

Hehe I know. It's incredible and insane!!

I thought that sort of witchcraft only worked if you obtained the milk yourself!!!

Of course, now I am curious of whether it would have worked...

Oh man, like getting it myself from source. That's a road I don't want to go down!!

Sometimes, the road less traveled ...

Is pink and nubbin-like!!!

Or ... split like the end of a wiener that has been in the microwave too long.

That's what a constant gnawing does to them!

You are lucky it wasn't something else. Didn't know breast milk had healing properties. Thank god you didn't have a cut lip or you would have some foreign Doula who happens to like you sticking her bits on you.

I later head quite the lecture on its healing properties bit they did say they were taking the piss out of me, lol

I think you should have tried it in the name of science. Plus it does amaze me that everyone freaks out with breast milk, but I bet if they'd told you cows milk worked, you would have tried it. It's not a dig at you by the way, more a comment about how brainwashed humans are thanks to big dairy and their marketing.

Hehe, it is true. We do freak out though. Peter that day the good lady put some in the little boom's eye because he had a slight infection and it was all gooey!!

Horrifyingly it seemed to work

I am all for natural stuff, but just sometimes the stuff from a chemist works and these 'naturalists' can go too far in their believes.

Yeah, there is nothing wrong with something that you can pick up in a shop burst because you picked it up in a shop!

THAT made me laugh !

Haha, boobs do that,!! ;0)

So , you had afternoon fun yesterday on the slides.
That's good , isn't it or is it ?
Thank you for that Sco'ish trans-later ,
maybe I will follow U better in the future , I fear.
It's hard , to read or to understand , not always but
(now and than) : ezgif.com-gif-maker (2).gif
Haha , so much fun with random gif's , lol.
Cheers , with love ,
Spledge-head

Ah the Scottish translator is very useful, even to the Scots at times :0D

RoFL! Oh you epic coward XD Though I bet they did it exactly for that reaction XD

Yeah they did. It was planned!!! We had a right old laugh later!

AND...What's wrong with Calendula...???

But...What'cha really needed, was to fetch a few leaves of Plantain from the garden, chew it into a poultice, then spit it onto your boo-boo...

That sounds like the kind of garden witchery I can deal with!

I suspect that Hops and Barley might interest you more...

Ah they would as soon after my pesky kids are off enough to give me time to myself!!

Squeaker milk may be the sweetest milk, all you have is to try.
But if you bilk that sweetest of milk, you may end up with some in your eye.

Posted using Partiko Android

That would be the healing eye!!!

Boom with Mr. Boom

Always the boom! ;0)

Ah, the mystical healing power of breast milk. The latest pseudoscience fad in certain circles.

Of course, you could have also claimed a sore throat to see how far she'd go before your good lady would kill you.

HAHAHAHA, ah yes, but despite the offers I have had over the years I don't think I could take it is she called my bluff!!

I sent you a friend request in discord incidentally. I hardly ever ping anyone and thought I might have to do that first

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.

Nice, this this boom @meesterboom

Posted using Partiko Android

Hi @meesterboom!

Your post was upvoted by @steem-ua, new Steem dApp, using UserAuthority for algorithmic post curation!
Your UA account score is currently 6.213 which ranks you at #265 across all Steem accounts.
Your rank has dropped 4 places in the last three days (old rank 261).

In our last Algorithmic Curation Round, consisting of 255 contributions, your post is ranked at #30.

Evaluation of your UA score:
  • You've built up a nice network.
  • The readers appreciate your great work!
  • Good user engagement!

Feel free to join our @steem-ua Discord server

You got a 22.42% upvote from @ocdb courtesy of @meesterboom! :)

@ocdb is a non-profit bidbot for whitelisted Steemians, current max bid is 30 SBD and the equivalent amount in STEEM.
Check our website https://thegoodwhales.io/ for the whitelist, queue and delegation info. Join our Discord channel for more information.

If you like what @ocd does, consider voting for ocd-witness through SteemConnect or on the Steemit Witnesses page. :)

Thank you so much for participating in the Partiko Delegation Plan Round 1! We really appreciate your support! As part of the delegation benefits, we just gave you a 3.00% upvote! Together, let’s change the world!

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.49
TRX 0.07
JST 0.055
BTC 38874.45
ETH 2681.85
USDT 1.00
SBD 6.93