How To Be A Cunt - now with 37% more hate for James Blunt!

Are you a nice guy or a pleasant woman? Do people look up to you or smile as you make your entrance? Do you feel just a little bit TOO deified as the agreeable messiah? Are you just sick of their sycophantic-like adoration of you and your alleged manners? Do you hate James Blunt? Good, you've come to the right place.

Rules number 1s: There are no rules.

Rules number 2s: Submit to the sheep for they are the overlords of this earthly, mortal realm. ALLAHU SHEEP-BAH

Now, let's get serious for a moment. Show me your serious face. I'm not joking, pull a serious face for me now. Yes, that's right I can sense if you're doing it. I'm psychic...well kinda...well...I fart alot - that's kinda psychic, right? Now, let's work on that serious face, you kinda look a little constipated. I told you not to mix lentil soup and vodka. Ah fuck it, it'll have to do - just remember to take a stool softener such as Dulcolax.

Now here's the hard graft: being a cunt may SEEM easy, but it ain't. It's a way of life, it's a cult. Like with sculpting an Adonis body at the gym, you will have to pump the proverbial iron. You will have to make sacrifices; you will have to make compromises; you will have to write me a cheque for $3.85. Okay, well maybe not the last one, but dem doubloons need to keep on flowing if Daddy's gonna get me some bargain-bin hookers and a carton of low-fat milk. J.K - low fat milk is for pussy losers like James Blunt.

Now, we have to start with the basics: being passive-aggressive. Overt confrontation may be good for the psychotic montage clip you've been working on in your sex-dungeon basement over the last couple of months, but in the real world, a little nuanced undermining is definitely the expedient choice for the Cunt Champion - of whom I know you aspire to become. The ability to convey hatred with a little subtlety in a clandestine manner, without arousing suspicion from on-lookers goes a long way. Why tell Sally at the water fountain that you think she's a rude, lazy, fat whore, when you can simply smile and congratulate her on being pregnant.

"Oh, but I'm not pregnant."

"Oh my mistake." (mwhahahahaha)

Or why make a scene having a screaming match with a co-worker, when you can simply go into the work fridge and throw away their lunch before they get a chance to eat it , because if bitch be being rude, then bitch not be eating bitch's egg-salad sandwich.

Being able to perpetuate and recognise passive-aggression will make you a more well-rounded cunt. Because being a cunt isn't always about being evil - it's a perk, sure, but there are responsibilities. With great power comes great responsibility, nay? #CryForUncleBen

Sometimes the cunt must dispense justice. You must don the cape. You must stop trying to be LIKE the spoon and BECOME the spoon. If a person is being irritating, are they just an annoying afterbirth OR are they channelling your powers? They must be thwarted. An exterior of smiles is important. Nobody expects the smiley, nice guy. Remember, it is important that you can deny everything if put on the spot. So get undermining! Always make it innocent, especially as if you're complimenting them, but actually not. Never let them see or hear you roar. Hide your roar behind a loving purr and a hit-and-run bout of well-timed flatulence by their cubicle. THAT'S MEATLOAF YOU'RE SMELLING, BITCH.

Now that we've covered covert Cuntness, we must extend! We must go further. INCEPTION. We will now cover dressing like a Cunt. There are subtle shades of difference between the cunt and douchebag, but of course, there are Venn Diagram overlaps. Whilst the douchebag will often assert a dislike for conformity by ironically conforming to a standard of nonconformity, the cunt will however simply adapt and acclimatise to the environmental pressures exerted upon them. For example: if the cunt walks in on a Marxist-feminist circle jerk symposium, then they will wear a T-shirt with "There are only two genders." Or if a cunt goes to a religious festival, then they will wear a Satanic onesie with a 666 on the fanny-flap. Being a cunt chameleon is pivotal to your success. When out an about on the street, such as buying groceries or purchasing another used anal butt plug from the thrift shop, a simple garment extolling the virtues of 2 girls, 1 cup will suffice - graphics MUST be suggestive, not depictions. You are a classy cunt, not a fucking animal. Well, I am. I'm a sheep and I shit in a field. But I'm guessing you aren't - go shit in your own field. Or better yet, a neighbour's garden - then pass it off as a disrespectful, lazy dog-walker. Think outside the post box.

Finally we will look at internalising ass-holery, and no I don't mean with the butt plug you just bought. I'm talking rejecting empathy entirely. No more minding your Ps and Qs. Take those Ps and sodomise them with a pungent, yeast-infected donkey boner. Take those Qs and jam them into James Blunt's nostrils. You have to supersede politeness with narcissistic rudeness, 'til even the McDonalds restaurant thinks that their halitosis spit is too good for your cheeseburger. Rudeness is hard because humans have an inherent desire to please, to be accepted. You must reject this paradigm. You are your own person! You hold your own destiny! You are a proud and independent woman! The pathetic validation of strangers is what tiny-balled bitches seek. You are alpha. Sure your willy is only an inch and a half when it's erect, I know mine is, but you don't let that stand in your way, because who cares? Sure you might cry yourself to sleep every night and spend six-hours everyday looking at male-enhancement products, but that's your business! So screw you, Mr Icecream man when you tell me that you've run out of Vanilla mini-milk ice-lollies! I've got enough problems without your horseshit!

Now there is so much more to cover, I could literally spend a whole day just talking about my hatred of James Blunt, alone. But time is money. Or money is time. Or money > time. I don't know, I'm just googling videos of BBW grannies twanging off on slutroulette. My point is that now the training wheels are off. Now you must fly, little hawk. Now you must prosper or die trying. But if I see you comin' down ma hood with your passive-aggressive B.S, then I'm fight you. I'll throw all your lunches into the bin, I'll trim the petals off of all your beloved chrysanthemums, I'll take a whizz in your swimming pool - because I'm too poor to afford one. FUCK YOU SOCIETY.

So create a little entropy, just don't hurt yourself or others...and DEFINITELY do not hurt James Blunt. Just fart in his general direction.

If you found this guide helpful and now feel that you have enough knowledge to start your very own successful Muffin business, then please donate just a few dollars to my favourite charity which helps feed impoverished children in the third world: slutroulette/bbwgranniesontour.

Thank you for listening, you've been a great audience and if you come round my house in about an hour, then you may participate in my drug-fuelled dominatrix orgy. Just bring tangy-cheese doritos and a bottle of bacon-flavoured spermicidal lube.

Stay sexy, you beautiful bastard

Love from your lamb