Why Do We Keep Doing This?

Story of Change

When I was young man I set out to change the world. When I grew older I perceived that this was too ambitious, so I set out to change my state. This too, I realised as I grew older was too ambitious, so I set out to changer my town. When I realized that I could not even do this, I tried to change my family. Now as an old man I know that I should have started with myself, maybe then I would have succeeded in changing my family, the town or even the state and who knows maybe the world.

I have no idea who was the author of that story but if it happens to be you then thanks. I have always liked this little story and if you have ever attended one of my training’s the chances are you may well have been given a copy, it’s so simple but has so much depth it takes my breath away.

One of the many things we learn in NLP (see chapter 14) is TTR or ‘Take Total Responsibility’). Once you finally learn that YOU are in control and YOU can dictate the outcome, the rest is easy, but you see that’s the hard part a lot’s of folks just don’t get that part and a lot more don’t seem to want it!

Why?

Well we’ll try to answer that one as we go on our journey together.

Lets play a game for a while, its called the ‘What if Game’. Once again I don’t know the author but who ever you are, you should be on my list too. Thanks for a great eye opener.

The What if Game

Some time ago, I was driving home and thinking of what to do next. The thoughts were running rampant through my mind: guilt that I don't spend enough time with my parents and friends, realization that there are many things undone, worries about anything and everything. I've felt torn apart, as if I was trying to talk in a room full of shouting people.

I tried to ask myself, "So, what do I want?” but I couldn't hear the answer.

“What do you mean? There are so many things you should worry about, how can you even ask that?”

And then I had the inspiration. A simple rephrase of the question that changed my life. The words were: "What would I do if I had nothing to worry about?” Suddenly there was silence. The voices stopped and I've experienced clarity. Seconds later, an impulse desire arises - wanting to ride the bike. So, that's what I did - and had a blast.

Since that day, I've used the "what if" method in many forms. "What would I do if I had nothing to fear?” "... if my finances were in a great shape". "... if I was one with God". "... if I have already achieved my goals". The value I've got from this simple method is priceless.

Then, a new breakthrough came. I began realizing that there are two distinct parts of me that want different things.

Examples:

☞ Co-workers are going to lunch. I'd rather have peace and quiet - however I also want them to invite me!
☞ I want to have my mailbox full of messages, but I don't necessarily want to reply to them.
☞ I'd like a girl/guy to pay attention to me, even if I am not attracted to them.
☞ I want a person to praise me, even if I don't like him at all.

What was that all about? The way I figured, my ego is the one that wants constant attention, praise, compliments. This often runs to the contrary to the things that I myself want. And thus I've begun to feel that me and my Ego are not necessarily the same thing. Then, the new question came: "What would I do if I had no Ego?"
That was a beginning of an incredible journey. Many things that used to happen automatically in my head suddenly became more apparent and I've gained a measure of control.

For example, my work - I used to have this constant fear of being fired. It could not have been based in reality - I know that I am doing a pretty good job and besides, there are always new opportunities for programmers. So, what's the fear about? Now that I've separated myself from my Ego, I saw it clearly: its fear of disapproval (if my boss criticizes me) and ultimately rejection (the process of getting fired). That's all there is to it. With "What if I had no Ego", the personal fear is greatly weakened, so all I have to deal with is the actually possibility of being fired - which actually isn't a big deal!

Nothing that can happen is as bad as the inner turmoil that can go with it.
I've also begun feeling more at ease around people. My old approach would be to wait for the gap in conversation, so I could plug in my own story. As you can imagine, if I knew nothing of the subject, I wouldn't be able to do so and would feel pretty uneducated. Now it seems like I can listen, even I have nothing to contribute - I don't have such a strong urge to say something, so instead I can learn!

I feel better outdoors too. I used to rarely notice the nature - not because I don't like it, but because the inner dialog was running at such volume all the time, I had to fight it. There was no time to gaze around! Now, it's much quieter inside - and suddenly I am amazed by the beauty that surrounds me. The sight of trees, the smells, the changes of temperature are simply fascinating!

It's been only 5 days since I've first asked myself "What would I do if I had no Ego?” but I feel that I am on the right path. I am still myself, I am all there. In addition, I experience more calm, freedom, choices and connection. The feeling is incredible.

Try it for yourself - you've got nothing to lose except your fears!

You know when you read something or listen to a song and think – WOW; I wish I had written that, well that’s one of those passages for me.

You see what I’m trying to say – TTR – its up to you, you and only you can do this stuff, remember you have control, you have a choice, everyone on this planet has a choice, the human race has a choice, but most of us still choose the fluffy white-ish animal going “baaa” approach to life.

One last thing before we move on, lets talk about pity for a while in this case self pity, there’s a great line in the film ‘Bagger Vance’ with Matt Damon and Will Smith which illustrates the point quite eloquently:

“Every Drink you take kills about a 1000 brain cells but it’s ok because we have billions of them…First the sadness cells die and you smile real big, And then the quite cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all, But that’s ok because the stupid cells go next so everything you say is real smart, And finally come the memory cells…. Now these are tough sons of bitches to kill.”

I love that film, there are so many lessons to learn, not bad from an industry that has until recently survived on sex and violence, not that we can’t learn from that too but we’ll save that for another book. Self pity is a powerful enemy and one that can lead you on all the wrong journeys. When you look in the mirror, what do you see or who do you see, is it the person you had hoped for or someone you dislike, remember we can change this – immediately. You can of course sit there and feel sorry for yourself, find solace in the bottom of a bottle and blame the world for giving you a bum deal, I did that once for a while and guess what it don’t work and nobody cares especially the world you are busy blaming, all you get is a lot of headaches and nobody returns your calls. The world does not owe you a living, it was here first!

Now I know there are a lot of traditional physiologists out there who make a perfectly respectable living from people who live with self pity and far be it from me to deprive these guys from a living or take food out of their children’s mouths and I know there are some people out there who are ‘happy’ being miserable, I used to work with one of them, man was that a test of my resolve, you know when you just want to smack someone just because it might feel good sorry! I digress, back to these therapists, you don’t need them. Modern (or traditional) therapy is based on talking about the ‘problem’ confronting the ‘issue’ and that ‘change’ takes time. Bullshit! Change takes less than a second for the length of time it takes you to decide what you want to be, to see yourself as you want to see and be seen, that’s how long it takes, no longer. Lets try something, put the book down, close your eyes and visualize what you want most of all in the world, or see yourself as the type of person you would love to be. That’s right simple as that you did it…. What! You didn’t do anything…nothing happened? Well yes you did do something and yes a great deal happened if you did as I asked then you just become or you just got what you wanted albeit for a brief moment. Now it can be like that permanently if only you followed it through. No chance you say, it can’t be…well news flash guys yes it can and yes it is. We’ll do some more later and I’ll show you.

One question: If I show you your journey, give you the map and pay for all the fuel, will you go?