EXPECTATIONS

When I was a kid, I was once told that 90% of people do what is expected of them. The guy who told me perceived it as a way of controlling others. Even manipulating them. I sometimes think back at the advise. And always with regret. Because not only have I not been able to use the advise to my advantage. I've become one of the 90% who are controlled by expectations of others. At 35 I feel stuck in the expectations and frustrated that I have followed them for so long that it is becoming unclear which of my actions are actually controlled by my own will and my own desires. It's very few I suspect. I feel a growing desire to take my life back. But it also comes with a fear of loosing what I have. Even if I'm not happy with the way things are.

My alarm rings at 5.55. This gives me the time i need to get dressed, eat 2 precooked eggs and drink a large cup of cold brewed coffee before I leave the house at 6.20. I used to have fried eggs and real coffee. But that took too long. Especially drinking the hot beverage. I tell my self I like the eggs and cold brew. But I miss having time. If it was up to me I would sleep at least 2 hours longer and take a slow morning. And I would meditate. I real life however, it seems the time is not there.

I get on my bike for the 12 km ride to work. I hate the cold but I appreciate the almost empty streets early in the morning. I don't like traffic. Or crowds. I wonder why I live in Copenhagen. Once I get to work I go into the gym and work out for about half an hour. I find this exercise important partly because I do enjoy it but mostly because being in shape makes me feel more comfortable in my own body. I'll admit I'm a bit vain. But not pathologically so. At least this feels like something I do for myself.

My work is helping others. I think this ties back to the bit about expectations. It's worsened by the fact that only a minority expresses gratitude for my time and commitment. Mostly it's taken for granted and some even seem to struggle to find things they can complain about. If you've ever waited in a doctors office and found yourself getting irritated you are likely a self absorbed prick. The time is obviously spent on helping someone else who has a problem that takes longer. Wouldn't you want that for yourself? The entitlement and complaints often makes me hate my job. In fact they take up an unreasonable amount of energy.

I've started investing in bitcoins. They seem like the fastest way to get rich and get out of my shitty job. It's like playing the lottery. Only I hope the odds are better. I check the rates several times a day although my investment is nowhere near a level where this even makes sense.

Before I'm home it's usually five in the afternoon. At this time my email has had time to fill up with correspondences from people who expect something from me. Again this is usually without any sense of appreciation for my time and efforts. I'm asked to do research for free, to review the work of others for free, to act on behalf of different associations for free, to give (so many) lectures for free. I never finish. And despite the fact that I donate my free time I often get implicit abuse about the things I don't find time for. I'm driven by not letting people down. No matter how unreasonable they are.

I have a wonderful girlfriend. She loves me. She supports me. She usually makes dinner while I work in front of the computer. In return I neglect her for people I don't know but who show the kind of expectations I feel obliged to fulfill. And even that is really nothing compared to how I've neglected seeing my family and friends over the last several years. It seems I tend to neglect the people who doesn't have unreasonable expectations. Even though it's laughably obvious that these are the ones who deserves attention.

The last bits of my days I spend tired in front of the tv. The moving pictures serve to turn off my brain so I don't think about all the expectations I haven't been able to fulfill.

Then I sleep