Sorry I'm Not Sorry
My goodness, it's been a long time since I've sat down and written. I swear you were always on my mind. But...I've been busy. We had a whole month of family visits and traveling then I started back to work, finally off of my maternity leave. I was overwhelmed. Feelings of guilt and insecurities about my abilities. Pure exhaustion after being a mother, a friend, a doula, and a wife all in the same day. Power outages and heat waves wore me down. New opportunities brought me back up. I had to hit the stop button. So I did. And I don't regret it.
I learned a lot this last month about myself. I'm my only advocate. I'm the only one that can say when I've hit the wall, reached my limit, need a break. I'm the only one that will stand up for my well being, both mentally and physically. I went from a bubble of me and baby to LIFE and holy shit was it jolting. Stepping out of the Fourth Trimester was like getting hit by a truck when I'm bicycling down a beautiful country lane. Life fucking took over. I preach self care to my clients but wasn't doing any self care for myself. So I made a decision to take it back.
I let emails go. I stopped caring about the dishes. Laundry piles up on the regular. I still vacuum every single day but that's because vacuuming makes me happy. I do a face mask every other day because that makes me happy too. Spending time with the Fox Cub gives me life but stepping away from him so he can grow and be independent (and I can be independent also) gives me life too. Putting mascara on everyday makes me feel good in the morning and taking a bath with my son makes me feel relaxed at night. Going to Mama Meetups at Gracefull makes me feel like I'm home.
Baths and naps make me so happy and the fact that I can do them with the Fox Cub makes me even happier. Taking care of myself doesn't make me bad person...it makes me a better mama.
Now, I'm back. I've learned that life is not a balancing act but rather a soft dance that requires you to move different parts at different times and together those make beauty. Writing was a part that was quiet, gaining strength and resting and waiting for its turn to move. So I hope you'll continue to stay with me, to be a part of this community, and to continue to read this blog. It's time to start again.