Concussions suck. They make it no fun for anyone. Haven't had a good day in years.
We're heading to a monthly meeting shortly, for brain injury survivors. Last month, a lady expressed that she feels that she causes others to be unhappy, and that she can't control it. I feel this as well. Crying a lot this morning, I feel useless, I feel like nothing I do is any good, and I'm constantly unhappy.
Then I thought about when the last "good day" was -- and, I cannot recall it.
Hopefully the day improves from here, I woke up angry. Anger directed at my wife's alarm clock. The alarm clock, going off for this meeting which is helpful. I'm a jerk. ;(
[Edit: I have one real-life friend (although we've never met!!!) on here, @fishyculture. We communicated for several years on another social media platform, which was shuttered by its owner. We migrated to his new place, which he also shuttered, and I haven't looked for any more sites that he brought to life only to murder. A month or two ago, I was running a "100% upvote giveaway" and she participated in it, not knowing my new avatar name.
That was a great day!
I was feeling really down yesterday. I thank all y'all for helping me feel better, today.]
Your posts speak a diffrent story. The lovely images and the words you choose are always good. And lift up on the people around them. They wil not mind if they truly love you.
Thank you. I often can only see red, not all the good that I do.
As long as the people around you support you you wil push true
Thanks. It sucks getting in stupid fights with family though, which I KNOW are due to my interpreting the world incorrectly because of these concussions. They do support me, but it feels like I'm constantly pushing them away and I really regret that.
Understandable, but there is one thing you can not forget family is there when it matters the most.
Maybe try some meditation? Not saying it will solve it, but it might help a bit.
Thank you! Yes, I have a subscription to Headspace but rarely use it. In fact it just renewed and I hadn't even completed the second set of 10, so in other words, I haven't even done 20 sessions in over a year.
Never heard of Headspace, I usually do it on my own intuition. Still u might have done more meditation than me lol. I need to do it more often as well, but for different reasons. It can be so damn relaxing... But actually getting yourself motivated to start meditating...pfft ^.^
Oh, honey, how did I not see this earlier? I hope you are feeling better.
Mark took me for a drive one fall afternoon, several years ago now. It was one of those perfect days out west. The desert air has this amazing scent in the fall, all the herbs dried in place and making the whole drive like aromatherapy. The sky was this intense blue, I never saw it this color when I lived in Ohio, this dry air and high altitude make for a blue that nearly glows.
It was hurting my eyes that day. Something so beautiful, something I had cherished living here, and it was hurting me. I can't even say that was the lowest I ever got, but it became this cycle that day, that went down and down. I was angry, why can't I feel GOOD any more? Where is my JOY? I used to feel it, now all I could feel was nothing on a "good" day, and like dead weight in the lives of those I loved most on a bad day. If I had a magic wand I would wave it for you. All I can tell you is "Hold on. You WILL feel joy again."
You are on the right path, truth sets you free from all prisons, even the prison of health problems. I don't know how many years it took for me to feel joy again, I refuse to go back and count - it would rob joy from THIS moment. :)
Oh, and my Jesus trick... Now go be the best Jesus you can be. The only miracle you have to perform is to forgive yourself for sucking at being Jesus... :)
Love you, honey!
I want to respond to everyone but I'm crying. Thank you. All of you. I do suck at being Jesus. But like in Pulp Fiction, I'm trying really hard to be the shepherd. Love you back, thanks. This hurts. But the day did get better.
Crying is fine, "holy water" if it is done right.
I have had problems with depression through my life. One of the worst feelings is when i have noticed it affect others. I also felt I was making others unhappy.
The most helpful thing I ever realized is that I have to be nice to myself and treat myself well in order to make others feel good. This might feel selfish, but in the end of the result is that you feel better and the others around you feel better then that's okay !
So my advice is to be your best friend, be forgiving of yourself. You can't help what has happened, but you can decide what attitude to have moving forward.
Keep your Chin up buddy !
Great advice. It's not easy to treat myself nicely. I tend to be my own worst critic (as do we all, I'd imagine). Deciding on my attitude is a tough one; there are physical symptoms that cause a fight-or-flight response, and I see red -- it's difficult to describe how a broken brain "works"... Thanks!
Maybe it's autumn depression. arrange for a weekend walk in the fresh air, it will help)
Thanks, yeah fortunately I do take walks out to the garden usually at least once a day. Lately we've been getting hit with those hurricanes (up in Boston, so no damage, just lots of rain and wind), so I haven't been out as much.
Speaking of autumn depression (here we call it Seasonal Affective Disorder, or "SAD" which is a somewhat amusing acronym, not so much while I'm experiencing it), I have a "happy light" which is right next to my desk, I should start using it now that the days are getting shorter.
Ok so, let's pretend that you are a jerk, that you're useless & nothing you do is any good & you do make people unhappy.
So what?
If that's reality & you accept it, then you can also change it if you want.
But is it true?
I've read things by you that I enjoyed enough to remember your name, so they must have been good & you don't seem like a jerk online at least, so already there's some wiggle room on thoughts you thought were absolute truths.
I don't know what's going on in my head, I had a brain injury & then compounded it by lack of medical care & care in general. I have what feels like seizures to me & my memory resets every night when I go to bed. I often forget how to do really basic things & struggle to get my brain & body to communicate. I'm on disability & am the definition of useless in society. Routinely I read how people like me should kill themselves & stop being a drain on society. So I've been in the neighborhood of your experiences & struggles, even if I can't directly relate.
What I've learned is that brains are highly trainable things & sometimes it helps to treat them like adorable puppies so you feel less ridiculous.
Brains like ruts, they have their familiar thought pathways & it's easy to go along with them & assume our every thoughts are true & beat ourselves up accordingly. But you've always done that & you'll always get the same results. So what if today you don't? You can always go back to the same old.
I double dog dare yourself to celebrate little successes. You got up & went to your appointment! You expressed yourself! You had your meeting! Woohoo! Go you! Give yourself as many 'good boys' or 'atta girls' (as the case may be) as you can. Even for simple things like brushing your teeth. Yes, it'll feel stupid AF, but slowly it changes those familiar ruts & gets your brain slowly hooked on feeling positive & seeing areas of success where you may have assumed failure.
Anyways, even if you decide not to celebrate you, I hope your day gets better or the crying shakes something loose in your head that's stopping you from knowing how amazing you are.
Thank you for taking the time to reply in such a meaningful way. As @libertyteeth's wife I can tell you that he is truly an incredible person. Bright, funny, charming even(though he doesn't see it), when we go out socially people always come up to say hello and share a pleasant laugh with him. It is very difficult to share these times of despair with him as I see the whole and he gets "stuck" in the down of the moment. They overshadow all else to him and make it difficult for him to see the positive. I believe you words will help. I agree with @fishyculture your name is not apt! Warm regards.
That's the really hard part with brain damage, it really is a case of getting stuck, I think you described that perfectly. For me it feels a bit like being a record & the needle gets stuck on repeat because the next bit simply isn't there & I may not realize it until I'm being yelled at for repeating myself.
Anger & the resulting shame are awful on the brain & can really cement branches prone to depression. That's why I try to shake it up, so my inner voice is like "oooh, good job you went to your appointment!" & even if I feel all the feels of 'well this is bullshit' & rolling my eyes, I usually end up laughing & the thought didn't go in it's usual direction & I can start figuring out what's derailed me until I reset, yet again.
OMG you have to change your screen name, you are a beautiful addition to this community and you can't be out there doing such blatant false advertising! THANK YOU for sharing this wisdom with my friend. I hope he took your words to heart!
Yes, and responded with a wall of text as well.
Thank you all for helping to recharge my batteries! It's not often I need to cry for help. Well, I suppose it's daily, hmm.
Well, then it'll be daily until you get back on track & don't literally feel the need to cry for help. If that's how it is, then ok. People hold you in warm regards & seem to want to be there for you. Yay! I'm so thankful you are able to realize you need help & ask for it. It's much easier to try to at least try to ease each other's suffering than to suffer alone. You know?
Hope today was a bit better than yesterday & tomorrow will be too. :)
Thank you for your help.
Do you attend a group for survivors? It has helped me a great deal. I even convinced them at the meeting two weeks ago to double the (monthly) meetings, and we're having an email conversation about where to meet in a couple days!
That's awesome! I'm so glad you've found something that's helped.
And nope, I don't attend any meetings. My therapist has suggested going to the anxiety one & the pain survivors one, but I'm kind of afraid of people & being seen & it's still pretty overwhelming dealing with getting out for the first times & trying to get help & be seen & taken seriously. I unfortunately can't add more to life yet, but I'm working up to it. :)
Good luck to you! It's a struggle for me today just to respond to replies. Yours, though, is worth responding to. I also am afraid of people, I've never been proper, socially. Comes from my eye being crossed from birth, making people think I'm detecting danger over their left shoulder... Never made good eye contact, so I have no idea when someone's starting to get upset facially -- only when they put it in their voice.
Definitely feel ya. I'm glad you responded, I'm struggling as well. I know I owe ya one. But I don't know how to explain the short version of anything and I've always gotta settle in to fire up the old brain, because right now my getting disability experience is a giant miraculous blank of grateful life saving goodness with no details. Hopefully they get you squared away right quick. It's just a struggle sometimes if one doesn't have the words to explain what they are experiencing.
When I lived with a kid that was on the autism spectrum for awhile, I would take advantage of the voice thing, because that's also how i hear upset because I'm fail at eye contact, except at brief key moments. Instead of escalating or acting out my anger hoping he'd get it, I'd try & be like: "c'mon buddy, do you hear my voice getting deeper & firmer when I tell you no? I'm starting to get upset & you need to listen." I'm not sure my point, but it sure seemed to go a long way & I wish others would do it for me, lmao.
Best to you & the Mrs., hope your struggle gets a little easier. But no worries on the reply thing, I know how it goes & even if we forget each other for 3 months, I'll be glad to meet you again!
Aww, you are too sweet. Thank you. :)
Thank you so much for your wonderful words. I remember your first interaction with me, you gave me some help with a gardening issue and someone (@grow-pro, I think?) replied to you that your username is not accurate, at least not this time or something like that. :)
I'm sorry to hear about your injury. Having your memory reset sounds like that movie "Memento"; I have tons that I forget, but I do retain some from past days. I recall a lot better, events that happened before the first concussion. And a lot worse, events after the second and even more so, since the latest one, seven months ago.
I'm also heading for disability; have been rejected once, and am currently staring at the paperwork for the second which will likely be rejected as well. Then I'll go in front of a board, in person, and then they should grant it. This is what the attorneys tell me -- long-term disability said they'd cut my benefits if I didn't go for a Social Security Disability. Which seems weird, but I guess they've arranged the legislation so that works...
If I might ask, what was your experience getting the disability? My email is [email protected] in case you'd rather not have it on the blockchain, but do want to share.
I love your "adorable puppies" wording. No idea what's going on in a puppy's mind, but it likes a belly rub! :)
I read this comment yesterday. I have a toothache; a filling popped out months ago and I don't really like dentists, the last two tried to scam me. Your "celebrate brushing your teeth" really resonated. I also have sleep issues, and rarely sleep through the night. Last night was similar, got up around 3 am for a few hours, then went back to bed. While I was up, I did some oil pulling -- and today, the tooth doesn't hurt! I need to make it a routine, especially with the currently-exposed parts. I have a sticky note on my laptop but it really took your words to motivate me, and I thank you for them!
One of the guys at the meeting has tics, which we discussed during the meeting; the organizer (who is recovering herself) said that her experience of Somatic Experiencing (from http://traumahealing.org/) tells her that experiencing the tics is a good thing, that it's the body trying to reset itself. He said if he lets them go, they can throw him across the room! That's scary, he said one time he was asleep and ended up five feet away out of bed.
I didn't share this at the meeting, but I feel almost like it's an advantage to have those tics. One look at him, and most people will recognize that something is wrong. I look just fine (apart from my broken eye, from birth), but I tend to explode, randomly. I'm like a walking time bomb.
Another guy said he has "flat effect" which is like not showing emotion, facially. He said (and I didn't probe) that he learned not to explode because he's been locked up, and he doesn't want to be locked up again. Curious as to whether that was before or after his issue. Which wasn't a normal head injury -- he died for a few minutes, his heart stopped, and his brain didn't have enough oxygen -- so the injury was all internal.
Several people expressed that they write journals. I think next meeting I'll share my experiences on Steemit, as it's very similar to journaling, just perhaps a little less structured. This is a long comment, for instance. :)
Others said they use a calendar, and write on it what happened that day, making it easy to look back. And also look forward, by putting upcoming appointments on it. I use my phone's calendar for the latter, but I don't do the former. Perhaps I should.
"I'm amazing." That's weird to type. Like the phrasing for EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique by Gary Craig, at http://emofree.com -- "Even though I 'X', I deeply and completely love and accept myself.", where 'X' is the issue you're trying to resolve. First many times I did EFT, I would choke up while saying that and start crying. Thanks.
Sometimes I love it & it feels like a super power. The world is constantly full of wonder & I'm always a little delighted & surprised.
I often get to meet people over & over.
I forget a lot of the deep hurts & every day feels a little like that Jim Carrey movie about a Spotless Mind.
I see that we & others you've met & I share similar experiences. That's a bit reassuring in its own way.
I really loved your reply & I'll answer more when my brain is a bit higher functioning & I can comprehend it better.
I have the attention span of a gnat right now.
But I think you've really hit to the heart of getting better (or not) by just accepting it. That struggle against reality part is no joke. It reminds me of the Matrix movie sometimes. But, one path leads to things getting better & one path leads to them staying the same or getting worse.
It's worth trying.
You already survived something that could have killed you.
Also that comment about the twitches makes me much more accepting of when my body goes wonky.
Anyways, thanks for the reply even though I haven't actually for reals answered what you discussed yet, lol.
"Meet people over and over" resonates. Saw someone while we were out Friday I hadn't seen in about two years, and vaguely recognized him. Haven't seen that Jim Carrey movie yet.
I think it's really neat that we almost have a "group" in Steemit!
Glad to have helped with your perception of your twitches.
I also think it's neat, that by sharing my pain, I've learned more about those around me. I could have chosen to "keep it to myself" and not ever mention my disability here -- I am glad I didn't. I'm connecting more, even if I later forget some of those connections.
Looking forward to your upcoming response! :)
Sometimes it's a blessing to forget. People have a chance to make better impressions the second or third time around. ;) Also, some people just expect to have been on my mind far more than reality would justify.
I'm glad you didn't keep it to yourself too. It pushed me to also open up a part of my life I've kept hidden. People understand a broken leg, but a broken brain is harder to understand. Sometimes it feels as if people don't think they're real. Which confuses me. But anyways, I love that line about connecting more even if you forget, pricelessly true.
"A broken brain is harder to understand" -- absolutely! I'm certain that I didn't understand it properly, prior to experiencing it. Just had someone unfollow me who I though I was connecting with, @dandesign86, which confused me. It was after I made today's post about neuro feedback. Oh well!
Thanks.
Hang in there! I have a degenerative neurological disease, so I know the frustration!
I'm sorry to hear! Looks like Ataxia, haven't heard of it. Feeling much better today, thanks. Mine was three concussions, about a year and a half apart each, the latest one 7 months ago. Last one was the worst, it damaged my ability to walk and talk -- fortunately, temporarily, both those recovered in the emergency room in the four and a half hours we were there.
be calm everything will be fine :)
Thanks. :)
My brother has TBI from an IED in Iraq. He had some anger, but it seems he has found balance now. I hope your injury does not prevent you from finding the same balance.
Thanks. The meeting went great, as they always do; I cried a couple times as I described how I used to be able to write software (writing this just triggered a headache). Sharing with others with this condition is incredibly important though! One fellow shared a documentary, "I Am", which is about someone who had a bike accident and had a brain injury, and his recovery. My wife @countrylover and I will watch it soon. I shared that I'm doing hyperbaric chamber oxygen therapy, as well as neuro feedback, and answered questions about those treatments.
Sorry about your brother, I can understand what he's going through from a symptom perspective, but I can't imagine what it'd be like to be in war. The beginning of the first "Iron Man" movie is scary enough.
It sounds like you have a great support network. Which is the important thing. I wish you the best.
You are bringing a lot of interesting art, life, thoughts to this platform. So in the virtual world you are making people happy! So sorry to hear that in reality you are not doing well and that your injuries are continuing to affect your health and happiness. I hope you will continue to heal and can somehow find peace and relief in the mean time.
Catching and releasing the woodchuck looked like a good day from the virtual perspective of your garden life!
https://steemit.com/garden/@libertyteeth/catch-and-release-the-woodchuck-had-miles-to-go-before-it-slept-last-night-and-didn-t-return
Thank you @otage, you're right, it was a stressful day lugging the poor thing half a mile in, and the trap half a mile back out; but, it was also a good day for the garden! Has been raining a lot lately, the storms have made their way north, and depression does come with rainy days.
I just wondered about the origin of that children's song, "It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring" -- if rainy days lead to depression, perhaps they also lead to napping? Rain tends to come with "low pressure areas", so the entire atmoplane is depressed, at least locally? :)
Feeling much better today. Appreciate the kind words.
Or, "the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." Atmoplane? Glad you're feeling better!
Yeah, it's my dig at the globalists. :) I don't think we're on a sphere, so how can I use that term to describe the air above me?
Was on the new BTC-e site last night, met someone and exchanged some kind words, but when I dropped the FE bomb he fought back with challenges which I answered, but he then went on to "ignore" me -- my first ignorant user at the new BTC-e! :)
How's about flatmosphere!
Haha, that's closer, but still has "sphere" in it. :)