The moment I knew my Dad is back, because he remembers my name. The moment I'll forever cherish.

We could only hope for the best, yet prepare for something different.

Last week I wrote about how my father got diagnosed with a braintumor, and how his personality changed from being a true extrovert to becoming a silent disinterested shadow of who he is.

Last Friday was the day of his surgery, after which we would now whether or not the doctors could already remove some of the tumor, and they could start investigating what type of cancer we were dealing with.
There was also the possibility that some symptoms could disappear or become less apparent, but it was impossible to say which ones (behavioural symptoms, physical, pain,…). We could only hope for the best, yet prepare for something different.

We’re still awaiting the results of the biopsie, so no certainty about what comes next. But, I had the best day of my life over the weekend, and no one can take that away from me.
I think of myself as a realist, with a positive edge. As my great-grandmother used to say: whether you cry or don’t cry over a situation, the situation will still be the same.
I cried a lot the past week, because my dad’s personality changed so much that it was as if he already left. I cried my eyes out thinking about not having him back the way he used to be, and spent hours thinking about what it would mean if he’d be some one ‘new’. It hurt my brain to understand how this would be like, both for the family and himself. Would he know he used to be different? It still conflicts me to think how this works.

After the surgery, my mom went visiting him, and he didn’t recognise her. My brother called me crying to tell me the news.
Since the day the date of the surgery was set, I couldn’t bring myself to feel a thing anymore. I was as numb as a broken toaster. Even after his call, I didn’t feel a single spark of emotion. All I thought was ‘Well, he just woke up after some people poked around inside his skull. Who would be completely ok after that?’.
The morning after, my brothers and I went visiting him together. My mom would visit him later, as we were told it was better to visit him with max 3 people at the same time, and keep it as short as 15min.
Knowing he didn’t recognise my mom earlier, I was prepared to face something that would most certainly crush me. But I told myself I had to keep strong for at least that short time, to be the big sister for my brothers.
We walked in, and we saw our daddy sleeping. A bandage covered his hair, and he was surrounded by machines that were connected to him with dozens of wires. Beeping sounds and all sorts of moving lines were the only signs of him being ok, whatever ‘ok’ meant.
I was overwhelmed to see my strong dad in such a condition, so I walked out. I went to another hallway and started crying until I pulled myself together and went looking for a nurse to get some updates on how the surgery went and if there was anything she could already share with me.
She couldn’t help me out, as she wasn’t the nurse who took care of him, but she would call the relevant nurse and send her to my father’s room, so I went back in.
The moments after I got into that room will forever be in my heart.

My dad was awake, and what was more, he was talking to my brothers! In the days before his surgery he did reply to us sometimes, but this was different. He was talking and appearing as my dad again!!
I started smiling as an idiot and almost couldn’t hold back the tears of joy that were emerging, the feeling I felt that moment is indescribable.
Then there was the final test.
When the nurse asked him if he knew who was in the room, we were all sitting down in front of him. He was looking at her, and you could see he was confused and struggled with finding the right answer. He started counting, and said ‘of course, we are with 5 in the room’. The nurse repeated the question, and again he looked up at her and frowned while trying to find the correct information.
Then he smiled. He turned his head to me and said my name, after which he did the same with my brothers.
I can’t describe the feeling I felt back then. After trying not to hope too much, this was only the best news I was scared to imagine. I know there might -and probably certainly- be bumps in the road we’re heading to, but I can only embrace and be thankful for having my dad back, and be at his side as he is at mine.