Yeah I initially planned on no "Aha" moment at all but then by the end of writing was remembering things to live for, even silly things. Even wanting to read the next book by a favorite author or see the next season of a show. Even enjoying dirty chai with a double shot of espresso. Whatever it is, I need to remember that once I am dead, that's it. Sure, I lose the suffering but I also lose anything I have ever enjoyed. And since I am going to die in the end anyways, why cut it short? I really think that last very close call opened my eyes. I may not be happy but I don't plan to be trying to end my life either. :)