How negativity brings you down

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I started having anxiety attacks and getting depressed when I thought to my self, all I have done in my lifetime is do stupid things, stealing when I was still at high school on my senior year. I taught my friends how to do it for me - how and when to act so that we don't get caught, what clothes to wear to avoid suspicion when carrying out the money and etc. Luckily we got caught before we turned to legal age and was taught a lesson by our families and how we burdened the family of the ones we stole from.

After high school graduation I took 2 years off and was a bum at home. I bounced back to at age 17 working as an English as a Second Language Teacher for Koreans and Russians at a nearby hotel. Life was good, it was set that I would go back to studying and take Landscape Architecture as a major in college and I did! I was great at the first quarter of the semester, I was told that I would be a candidate for the deans list if I continue what I've been doing so far. This got me on my high horse and strayed down the delinquency path again. I started drinking outside of the university, smoking and playing online games at the computer cafe up front. By midterms I have not stepped inside of the university not even once and was even happy go lucky about it since I was still young and could still catch up on the next semester. I knew I fucked up when I thought about how I would explain what happened to my studies to my parents who have been kind enough to pay for the school fees and gave me daily allowance. Finally when I told them, the reaction was over my expectations. I was told I am just a complete burden and they would no longer allow me to enroll in the next semester with their hard earned money. Thus I want back to being the bum I was.


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After half a year of being a NEET, I decided to start working and applied to a number of BPO companies here in cebu. I was confident as I am when I applied for work since I heard that even people who can't speak proper English even get in. Little did I know how tough the pressure was and was rejected numerous times which bought my self-confidence down a lot, after another 6 months of trying to apply for a customer service representative position at almost all the BPO companies around, I was finally hired on the same company as my brother. I was eager to learn here as we were taught on how to take the calls and the training was great for my enhancement and it was just like taking classes but with an hourly pay. I was given a 6-month contract with possible regularization depending on my performance and etiquette. I was doing great up until my 4th month but I stated getting bad habits taking calls and more after that. Ultimately I lost interest in working and used up all my money saved from working on my first PC rig and went back to being a NEET just 2 weeks before regularization.


After 2 months my family had convinced me that it would be good if I went back to studying for the betterment of myself. I took up Computer Engineering and the same thing happened in my new university, but in place of liquor I played billiards instead. Which was just wrong of me and I was again yet another disappointment. By this time I was sure that I am the black sheep of the family.


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In 1 year I reapplied to my old company and was still offered a job - luckily. I was cocky at this point since I was an agent here before and how I was one of the agents considered for a promotion when I quit 1 year and 6 months ago. I kept working and every after shift I would go out drinking, smoking and looking for women with or without a relationship - it did not matter to me. after 3 months in I got Hepatitis A and had to quit my job.


Having trouble looking for work because of my health condition I decided to help the family business working for my grandparents since I had a thing or two for entrepreneurship. I knew how to lead and motivate people and how I could find better ways to market our products. My ideas had conflicts with how my grandmother handles business though and I ended up not wanting to work with them in the long run.


So after this its back to being a good for nothing son leeching off from my parents. A few months after I was healed I decided to go back to teaching since I was good at it when I was at my first job. I taught English to Japanese students and built a lot of connections with my students. This was good and I was on a roll with my students commending my hard work and unorthodox style of teaching compared to the normal school curriculum. Sadly I had been let go after 4 months due to most of the male teachers were caught drinking beer at the summer camp while teaching - to my defense I was not even at the venue where they taught since I was at the main branch and they were at the camp. This bought me down to a slump and I took some time bounce back and find another job.


After getting tired of doing nothing but play online games, getting drunk, smoking and gambling for 2 years. I finally missed the feeling of employment and being independent. This brings us to my current company and to the present where I started off very good. In call centers, kudos are given to agents who handles the call accordingly to what the customer needs and resulting to the customer asking for their direct supervisor to give a compliment. I had my first kudos call on my second week of taking calls and after that I averaged 1-2 kudos per week. This bought me up and gave me a lot of confidence in my calls and in my ability. But the problem with me is I always go overboard and I got overconfident again and took in some bad habits while taking calls, I started sleeping while taking calls and making the customers wait unnecessarily. Soon after I lost interest on keeping the job and started making up tons of excuses why I would be unfit to work or why I would be late.


I started thinking that I should be rich and independent by now if I had done what I have loved for work, I could travel, play games and sports, eat what I want and work in my own time and get paid for all of them. I could blog and vlog everything I do and earn here. Be my own boss. I liked the idea, but little did I know that my actions from my work had caught the attention of the higher management already. My parents herd about one of the managers coming to our townhouse to ask for me and how I was doing. They felt betrayed because they thought I was finally serious about my life and how I am working on getting that long awaited promotion, obviously I had lied about my work numerous times just to brag to my parents.


I got scolded, my PC was taken out, my dad took back my car and everything went down. I took a nap after this incident and just after I woke up - Anxiety, Depression, self-pity, regrets, stress everything went down and I somehow decided that I should just end it and everybody in my life would be better off without me. Within 30 minutes I had thought up more than 10 ways to kill my self, I had done some research on how to do it and ignored the suicide hotline ads from google.



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I started crying and remembered that my father had a number of flip knives stored up above the cabinet. I took them out and picked the sharpest one among them. Before stabbing my self I left a message to my dear friends and family. Seconds after I send the messages I locked all the doors to the room, went to the balcony and locked the door there as well, pulled the knife out held it high with both hands and tried to pull a fast one straight to my neck. Luckily my hand stopped. Second attempt was the same but direction of the knife was to my chest aiming for my heart. As soon as I felt the knife in my chest i pulled out the blade to let myself bleed and threw the knife on the tree just below me. Blood straight from my chest started gushing out and covered my shirt and pants crimson red.


After the incident my sister-in-law and brother-in-law found me on the balcony, my mother and father rushed up and carried me to the car. My father drove as fast as he can to the hospital. I am disappointed on how illogical I was when this happened but I am proud that I have survived and I will live to tell the story. It takes a lot of courage to commit suicide but it takes a lot more to keep bearing with your problems. A friend to talk to make a big difference, if you notice one of your loved ones being down or even just a bit off approach then and ask them if they are okay you just might save their life.