Waking Up In Shame, Embracing Self

This morning I feel almost excited for the day ahead. I feel like ‘I got this’. That I will get ready on time, leave with enough time to not be rushed, and start working without reaction. Then I have my boss’s face which keeps popping in to my head accompanied by some anxiety.

This particular boss is the one the hired me and so, the one I feel I had let down and disappointed. I feel I had never quite lived up to his expectations of me, and I feel he knows my hidden weakness. When I see his face in my mind, I feel ‘ashamed’.

Interesting. Let me clear this with a little self-forgiveness so that I can support myself to see this through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impulse a picture of my boss’s face accompanied by feelings of anxiety and shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety and shame when picturing my boss’s face because I feel I let him down with my performance at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I let down my boss because I had sold myself really well during the interview, and created expectation beyond what I was able to give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into ego and fear of survival during my job interview, wherein I sold myself more than I was able to deliver because I needed the job so badly that I would have said or done anything to get it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious and ashamed that what I perceive as ‘the truth of me’ has been exposed because I was not able to deliver on my promises of excelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on ly on my productivity instead of looking at all the ways in which I did excel at this job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best, and if I am not the best I feel as thought I am the worst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take office politics personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my job ‘my whole life’, and the most important thing, instead of having a balance and seeing where else in my life I am excelling and pushing myself to succeed for me .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-value, self-worth and self-image in the way I see myself at work, within this all-or-nothing scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see OCD as a huge handicap making me inferior to my colleagues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view myself as a helpless victim that cannot do better because eof OCD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place too much pressure on myself to be the best, instead of seeing myself as I am right now, all of me, and embracing myself as I am right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle enough while I learn to overcome OCD within and through my job and working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and compare myself to others in the workplace.

My support word for today will be ‘embrace’, wherein I embrace me, all of me, as I am now, with all my flaws and imperfections. And when and as a reaction of shame or anxiety comes up due to comparison and fear, I see that as a moment where I am challenging my unconditional embrace.

Can I, in these moments, embrace myself even more? Can I do myself such a solid that I embrace myself even when I struggle to perform, do not meet my own standards, and am not ‘the best’ in numbers and certain measures at my job?

I say I can, and I will. Let today be a challenge within which I EMBRACE myself unconditionally, so that I may continue my journey from here, within and as complete self acceptance.