36 days left in the rat race, and I promised myself to go out strong. I have had many thoughts about 'quitting' before I actually quit - meaning, quitting within myself, to stop trying and stop pushing myself to be my best at my job simply because there would be no consequence - they can't fire me.
But is that why we push ourselves to do our best, to expand and to grow? Because of the threat that if we do not, we will be fired, risking our very survival. Do we only excel or endeavor to attain excellence because of the motivation of money, bonuses, a raise or promotion?
I was placed in a very interesting position at my work, where, because of personal challenges, I was not able to achieve the success I first envisioned upon starting in my position here at the bank. I pushed and fought, struggled and applied myself thinking the whole time that I should be rewarded and recognized. But I was not really, not in any significant or meaningful way at least.
And I became resentful and spiteful and went through all the ranges of emotion that comes with feeling as though one is experiencing injustice and belittlement on all levels. But I was fortunate enough to have the insights and self-honesty that I learned from mostly the people in the group called Desteni, to be able to see that the real value came from how I was able to grow and develop myself, despite any recognition or accolades. They would never come, but I often wonder if this was specific, because it led me to realizing the greatest gift!
If there is one big take-away for me here, it would be to appreciate myself and recognize and define my own success. Not within and as comparison or competition, salary or title - but simply within knowing who I am, what my personal challenges are and have been, and recognizing the magnitude of my own accomplishment for being able to survive and even flourish in many aspects of the corporate world - one which I never in a million years thought I would be able to cope with.
The lesson and treasure here is recognizing my own self-worth for myself. Being able to really and truly realize that despite my value in the corporate world, I matter. This is something I can be told a million times by friends and family, without ever really grasping or living it for myself. But having been placed in a situation that, for me, is one of the most brutal and inhospitable situations I could be in, and then not only not giving up, but also continuously pushing to make the most of it. I have shown myself what I 've always wanted to see and live, which is that I matter to me, I appreciate what I have done, and I recognize and am grateful for the person I became.
I would say that this is one of the biggest and most valuable gifts the rat race could have given me: a sense of self-worth. How did it give it to me? By treating me as worthless and absolutely replaceable, and by telling me I had no future here. What this did was place the responsibility entirely in my own hands - the self-responsibility to realize it and create it myself. The worst situation bringing out the best - now THAT is something worth celebrating!