The Air in Which I Stand

The Air in Which I Stand

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I remember, standing at the porch watching the beautiful sky that night, it had been a while. The world felt the same, unchanged, unaffected. The tree-line and angle that gave the best view of the constellations - all in the exact same spot.

But that evening, nothing was the same. The breeze felt different. The very space around me palpable, as if you were the air holding me upright and brushing against my cheek was your hand caressing my face.

Yes, nothing was different in the sky above, but everything had changed within. "Why tonight? Why now?" My heart felt like it was being shred to pieces, a pain so intense, my chest might just explode. Yet I felt a vast space inside me, dancing with delight. "Am I imagining it?" I had never felt so alive. I could not contain the love that overflowed within a frame just 5 foot 4". It was too much.

Your face flashed briefly in my mind. Another reminder that I would never see that smile again. I sometimes still "see" you; in the clouds and rainbows, in the smile of a stranger's face, in every red Volvo that passes by, as if it too rose from the crash a year ago. There are times when I hear your voice, soft yet firm, assuring me at my lowest.

A form I had grown accustomed to greeting everyday, burnt to ashes. Yet you rose like a phoenix, your essence scattered across the universe. In the wind, air, stars and even the sun. With no control left to suppress it, I felt my chest burst open, my insides exposed, becoming part of the vast universe in which you and I both exist together, finally as One. I finally slept like a baby, knowing we will always meet in my dreams and walk together in waking.

I can't believe the things I've done in the five years since - setting up a company, writing books, giving talks, running workshops. It was easy with you in every building, at every counter, in every bank, at every meeting. Opening the doors, offering help for things I know nothing of, reminding me to keep moving every time I hear a crow. Why I feel like you are a cawing alarm clock I will never know, but you help me stay grounded.

You never gave me a reason to miss you, as you are closer now than ever before. Yet tonight, my heart is welling up, tears beyond my usual poised control, choked and parched with my insides in all directions - your presence too much. The entirety of a universe squeezed within a chest that can't humanly contain you. Tearing up my insides, every sinew and every bone.

I'm glad you brought me to the porch 5 years ago. Tomorrow, at the launch, you take form once again, rising from the pages of our book, for the world to read.

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This was written from the writer's workout prompt #8 for a flash fiction (500 words). To find out details on this and previous exercises click here. The exercise required a dice roll and I received Death and Fear/Courage. I couldn't think of anything else, my mind went to a memory, so in truth, it is a true story, not fiction, all the way till the last paragraph and it has only been 1.5 years.

Thank you @alheath for your feedback so now you know who the narrator is, and as for the one I refer to.... I am not ready to share that with the world. Thank you The Writer's Block for this prompt that brought this experience to life, to be shared.

Through the losses we endure, none is more incomprehensible than when we no longer see, touch, feel or speak to a loved one. It is the first thing we miss about them. Blessed are those who sense them; it doesn't make it any easier though.

Much love and light.