WHY CAN'T I STOP THE CYCLE....I'M JUST SO TIRED...

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She woke up to three texts from her son today..he was asking her to hang out with him today. She really wants to ..but normally she declines with guilt and sadness in her heart because she knows the consequences that will follow and frankly ...just the thought of it makes her tired. Her and her son had always been so close and shared a special bond because she almost lost him several times since birth ...but sadly after he got into a serious relationship and moved in with hid girlfriend..he had less and less time for her. And of course she understood that this was normal ...but the "empty nest " just worsened her depression. So when he did make time for her ...it seemingly just was always the wrong time..and he knew it ..he knew the excuses and reasons were were coming.

So as her son told her every reason to come out with him and lecturing her on why does she lets his father control her like this ...she looked across the bed at HIM sleeping..wondering why?
Why did she come back? What was stopping her from moving forward? Why does she care what he thinks or says? When was it that she gave up on herself..I mean that exact moment that it all just ended for her? She decided Fuck it...I'm going out today with my son..she thought to herself. Life is short and she misses him. He was going to be there at 1:30..so she got up ..showered and got ready.

He normally sleeps till 2:30 because he works the graveyard shift..but wouldn't you know it he wakes up at 1:25...it's like his spidey senses went off. Great ..she thinks to herself here comes the interrogation ..it's not that the questions wouldn't be questions asked in a normal situation.."where are you going?" " Who with?" "When will you be home?" But it's how HE asks them...in a cruel and controlling way. As this is happening she is standing there thinking of an excuse to back out again. But looking at this monsters face she decides once again fuck it and walked out.

Her son works at Stations casino and as they acquired The Palms casino he wanted to see their new cafe that just opened ...he was considering transferring. So they decided to have lunch there. She wanted to try something new as today she was already out of her comfort zone challenging herself anyways. She had pasta with broccoli pesto and walnuts , garlic bread and a side salad. It was delicious. She was feeling so happy becsuse they had put their phones away and talked the entire time as thry ate their meal. It just reminded her just how much she missed him.

After lunch he asked her to see Spiderman with him. She really didn't want to see it and she knew all hell would break loose if she did because she declined to see it with "HIM" on his day off last Monday..which really pissed him off. She still didn't want to see it but the day was going so well ...so she said okay. I just won't tell him she thought. They saw it . She actually liked it. So they headed back home.

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He drops her off...she walks in the house holding her breath...hoping and praying. ...but sees the lpok on his face and thinks here we go . So he starts in screaming at her asking questions like ..DID YOU EAT?? she said yes.
WHERE? ? The Palms cafe . WHAT ELSE DID YOU DO?? DID YOU SEE A MOVIE THERE?? She sat there silent ..he asked again..followed by WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU FUCKING DID...WHAT FUCKING MOVIE DID YOU SEE YOU DUMB BITCH?? She practically whispered Spiderman...then she started apologizing. ..saying it was the only one playing and she will buy tickets on Tuesday so he can see it and that she would have no problem seeing it again with him because he was right. ...she did like it. He interrupts her with I CAN BUY MY OWN TICKETS YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE BITCH...and much more. He continues telling her she is a fat ugly piece of shit...even her own family doesn't love her..and following his same pattern of talking major crap about their kids ..her family etc. Just a barrage of hateful insults at the top of his lungs for 40 long miserable minutes as she just sat there quietly. Wondering if it was even worth going out ..even though she really misses her son and they had such a great day. Finally .....he leaves for work.

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Again she asks herself when did I just give up and think it's okay to settle for this? Why should I feel bad? Don't I deserve happiness? What's wrong with me ... am I defective? Why didn't my family love me and encourage me to believe in myself ...nurture me? Why am I so weak? Why haven't I learned my lesson yet? I think I'm a good and kind person...why do I attract this? Does GOD love me? Was I bad person in another life? She just quietly wipes away the tears takes two xanax and goes to sleep...then at around 1:20 am she woke up .......and decided to write this blog....Kayleigh

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