Late night post! (really personal)

Where are all my night owls at??? I just completed my Fafsa for school!! So, cross your fingers that I get selected. There are only 20 spots available, and I better be one of them. lol... I have so much on my mind tonight and glad that I have this blog to turn to. I suffer from anxiety (and get panic attacks). Not fun stuff. I also had my gallbladder removed last year.. but when they took my gallbladder out, they left stones in there. So, last month I was in severe pain and had to be taken to the ER... My town is so small that they had to rush me to a bigger town to take care of me. It turns out that I had 3 stones left in there that caused a blockage to my liver and pancreas. I was in the hospital for 5 days straight and was unable to see my baby :( My husband stayed with me the entire time, and they ended up putting a stint in to keep the duct open where the blockage was. I have a busy schedule ahead of me... I am on a strict diet, because of how bad my pancreas was and my liver. I have been struggling to gain weight (I am 96 pounds). I have also had family members call me anorexic and bulimic when that is not the case. People who struggle with body issues are not always bigger girls. And even if someone is suffering from anorexia, it is not a laughing matter or something that someone should use as an insult. But anywho.. I get my stint removed Oct. 5th and then a follow up appointment the next day to make sure that the duct functions like it is supposed to. I also have Mid Mo Fashion Week this weekend! I AM SOOO EXCITED! I was picked to walk for AP Designs! Definitely will have someone take pictures so I can post them here! I am so going to get my catwalk on.. then after that hopefully have a full time job and do modeling on the side. I have also struggled with stress hives.. it is awful being itchy! I was taking Benadryl for it, but Benadryl makes me so sleepy! The hives usually start in between my fingers and then start popping up all over. My doctor has given me different medications to try to help me cope better with my anxiety. So far, nothing has really worked. I have less panic attacks now, and I guess that is a start. I also suffer from Post partum depression. I have my good days and bad. So, if I post on my bad days, please forgive me. I feel some times that there is always so much going on that I want to hide from the world, because it seems overwhelming. But, I have learned that even if it is tough, I have to pull through the day for my family. It can be stressful sometimes when my family depends on me ( a toddler and a disabled husband). And then when I do get a job, I have hire someone to not only watch my kid, but make sure my husband is ok. He has fallen so many times, and it is scary. A couple weeks ago, he went to go shower before bed and fell and passed out in the bottom of the tub. He is the sweetest person and loves me for me, but I have those days where I feel that he needs someone who can properly take care of him. We tried applying for home aide assistance and they denied him, because he has me. They said that if he was not married, he would qualify. It makes no sense to me. I can't wait to make it somewhere in this life to where my family can live the most comfortably and be care free. My husband tries to do everything he can to help provide for us and help with the baby. He just isn't able to do much. Anytime someone needs help, my husband jumps in to do what he can. He is one of the sweetest men out there.. I have also tried calling to the VA and they are a pain to deal with. They won't raise his disability percentage yet and it makes me sad as to how a lot of veterans are treated. My husband had a motor cycle wreck (not his fault) and he wore a helmet and he busted all his teeth... he can't see a dentist because we do not have the extra money. His Medicaid doesn't cover dental.. the VA won't cover his dental. So, I have to wait until tax time to take him to get his teeth worked on. I just wish veterans could be better taken care of. It saddens me. He decided to join the Marine Corps and can't even get a basic teeth cleaning. I just hope that things get better some day. People always ask me about what I think about while I am modeling and posing during a set. The answer to that is nothing. It is the only time that I am stress free and literally escape from reality. I get to dress up and have a new persona for a couple hours. I don't sit there and stress over all the little things.. Just enjoy the place I am at and the moment that I am in.
Photo credit Sean Tice
Sean edited this picture for me while I was in the hospital.. it reminded me of Pocahontas. lol.

And here is a picture of me and my hubby while I was in the hospital and one from our wedding day.. it is so pretty!

Well, time for bed for me.. got a long day tomorrow.