I'm having an epiphany - at the beautiful age of almost 42.
I feel a huge load getting off my soul, simply because I've come to realize, truly realize - it's all in my head. I generate my life - the good, the bad, the whole sphere of dreams, illusions, achievements, dissappointments...
I'm the one who imposed upon myself impossible standards.
I'm the one who thought poorly of myself.
I'm the one who brought dark clouds of negativity in my psyche.
And I'm the one who held on a dream - an illusion - for almost 42 years.
For quite a while, I've felt I couldn't do this anymore, I've sensed this madness in my head, cracking and falling apart.
For more than 8 months, I haven't been depressed. I've begun to see beauty, peace in life, sometimes even in me.
I've started to socialize a bit more. I've even begun to make some new friends - not many, I don't see them often, but they are there. They know I exist.
Today I feel the ties (of the enormous guilt ball I've carried for so long) are breaking. I feel my soul breathe easy.
I am letting go - of the poison in my head, my self destructive ways, my guilt, my worries, my self loathing...
I simply want to be - to savour life, to find joy and beauty in who I am, in what I do. I want to be just me, whoever that is.
I am amazed. At myself, at life...