Becoming the Third Wife
Growing up I always imagined that finding my way to marriage would be this completely romantic endeavor. I would have found my perfect soulmate; we would have a perfect wedding and then a perfect house, family and life together and live happily-ever-after. I'm still hopeful that this will all happen, but the path to finding it has not been at all what I imagined.
When I met my fiance a little over two and a half years ago; I knew I had met the person I was meant to marry. I finally found someone that I was head over heels for after the first phone conversation we had, which was 4 hours long. I knew that all I had to do was meet this man in person and I would have met my husband. I didn't know, however, that he wasn't going to be the perfect man that I had envisioned myself falling in love with.
The more I got to know him, the more I realized he was flawed, made poor decisions with respects to relationships and didn't like telling the whole truth about his past because it didn't look so great for him.
Is this someone I could seriously date? Am I being fair to him? Am I being fair to myself?
I had always imagined saying "I do" to someone who hadn't said it to anyone else before, especially not two people. I wanted and needed to feel special. One divorce wouldn't have been so hard to accept, but there was something about two failed marriages that didn't sit well with me. It felt like the difference between someone who likes to drink on occasion and someone who is an alcoholic.
The more I confided in people that were close to me, the more often I was advised to run far, and fast.
But why?
Why do I have the right to judge this man solely on his past? Certainly I have things in my past that I'm not proud of, but I would hope that someone would take the time to really get to know me before deciding to run far, and fast.
I didn't intend to ignore his past, but instead be open minded and find out who he really is as a man. Throughout our relationship I have asked question after question about his exes and why he did certain things or made certain choices, but I tried very hard to never bash him. He graciously accepted my curiosity and began to open up to me, not for himself, but for my comfort. My questions were a reflection of my own insecurities, not his.
I felt as though I needed to know why he had two failed marriages in order to reassure myself that I wasn't just going to be another statistic. I needed to know that I was different and not just another part of a pattern. I needed to know that I was special and that our relationship stood a chance against all odds.
We continued on with our relationship, moved in together and began our lives as a committed couple. He lovingly accepted my cats just as I did his children. We playfully fantasied about our future together and what our family would be like, kitties included. We started having more open discussions about marriage, but I was still very self-conscious about potentially being the third wife.
My only request was that he needed to choose to marry me for the right reasons. He needed to be confident and comfortable with his decision, not feel forced or pressured to marry me.
To my surprise, he planned a wonderful proposal and had a beautiful engagement ring to match. I was so excited... but I wasn't finished asking questions.
His proposal spot where we watched the sunset over the mountains after a very emotional "yes!"
Third Time's A Charm... Right?
I didn't realize how difficult planning a wedding was going to be, but add on top of that, he had already done this twice before. I was constantly saying that our wedding had to be different, special, and us. I was finding myself getting sad, frustrated and disappointed with every little detail.
My biggest fear was having to hear, "Here comes Mrs. ####, the Third."
Throughout this whole process, I have been very lucky to have a man that has accepted my need to be different. He has accepted my need to be unique, even though it's hard for him, I've made it harder on myself because of my own insecurities. He has been very patient and loving with me, and I couldn't be luckier.
He reassures me that we are going to make it. He tells me that he has been able to share things with me that he has never been able to with anyone else before. Unlike his previous wives, he is able to have fun with me and enjoy new experiences. But most importantly, he is looking forward to our future together.
Because of all of this, I am happy to be his third.
My husband was also married and was in the process of getting a divorce when I first heard about him. When we met, it was on a blind date. He made it clear from the beginning that he was NEVER going to marry again. And while that doesn't sound anything near to perfect, he eventually changed his mind about marriage. He proposed, we were married, and last weekend we celebrated our 22nd Wedding Anniversary. You can never tell. :)
Thanks for your story. The sharing thing is the key. My husband and I talk non-stop about anything and everything and have been doing so since we met. Keep that going and you should have no problems.