The problem isn't that life isn't fair, it's that we believe it should be!
If you are not winning in whatever realm you are participating in, you might deem life as grossly unfair. And that might be a justifiable emotion. There are many times when it seems like it really isn't fair.
However, the truth is that life isn't playing by the same rules we are.
We believe, more or less, that if we work hard enough we should be rewarded, regardless of whether or not we are doing the "right" kind of work. We also believe that if we are "good" people, then "good" things should happen for us. As you may have already learned, that is not the way the world works.
So, why do we continue to believe it does and why do we continue to get upset when things don't go our way?
The answer to that question is one that not too many people want to hear...
No matter what anyone tells you, life is absolutely a competition.
In everything that you do, someone else is out there trying to do it as well. The team you are trying to make, someone else out there is trying to make it too. The girl you like, someone else is probably trying to win hear heart as well. The job you want, someones else wants it. The business you are trying to create, someone else wants to destroy it so theirs can succeed.
We are all in competition in everything that we do, the sooner that we understand and realize that, the better off we will be. The achievements that we continually strive for only hold value to us and society when we compare them to what others have done. What good is that spelling bee award if everyone spelled the same words correctly as you did? We feel success because we beat someone else. It's the way the world works.
All our lives, we are told:
"you are only competing against yourself"
"your best is good enough"
"there are no winners and losers"
Those are all flat out lies. If competition really didn't exist and it didn't matter, we wouldn't be telling people to try harder and to do their best, we would be telling that it doesn't matter what they do. Whatever you do is good enough and if it gets hard just let someone else do it. You did your best, that is enough.
No matter what anyone tells you, we are in competition in just about every facet of our lives. The ones that deny that competition exists are the ones who are losing in life. Everything else we are told is a feel good story to help everyone feel better about themselves. But, the truth of the matter is that life is one giant competition.
Why life has to be a competition.
As mentioned above, nothing has value unless there is work or rarity behind it. Work doesn't guarantee value but it increases the chances of it. In regards to awards and rewards, there has to be a baseline that we can measure ourselves against. Without that baseline no award or reward would carry any real value.
Winning a spelling bee would be impossible without other people losing. Everyone gets trophies when they play soccer for the YMCA, but not everyone gets trophies in the real world. It's just a fact of life.
Unfortunately, we are all judged on our actions, not by our thoughts.
Perhaps there will be a God that greets us when we die and judges us by our thoughts and the contents of our hearts, but while we are alive here on earth, we are judged solely by our deeds.
The world has placed a high value on what we can do for others. Not so much in an altruist way, but more in a selfish way. Can we build a wonderful house for you to sleep in? Can we entertain you with our amazing athletic or singing abilities? Can we make your life better and easier by creating new technologies for you? Those are the kinds of things society cares about and deems valuable.
The things other people find value in are not the way we value ourselves, however. We like to value ourselves by telling ourselves things. We often tell ourselves we are nice, friendly, and caring people. Don't get me wrong, it is good that we do those things, but in the grand scheme of things they don't really mean all that much. The funny thing about those thoughts we have is that those aren't even the metrics we ourselves use to give people value. If we don't use those as a measuring stick for other people why should we expect them to do that for us in return?
The world and society in general only cares about one thing; what have you done for the world and what can you do for the world?
A garbage man does a noble and important job, but why do we give him less value than we do say a rock star or a famous actor? The rock star and actor reach many more people and do things that many people cannot. Therefore, their abilities are rare and affect more people, which in turn gives them value. Work + scarcity = value.
That is how we are valued in life. Society has decided that our inherent value comes strictly from the number of people we can impact. If you shoot baskets in your driveway for a couple hours a week, no one really gives you a second thought, but if you can dunk a basketball from the free throw line people will pay thousands to come and watch you. Save a cat from a tree and it's family loves you, but record a platinum album and you will never be able to walk down the street without being swarmed again.
This may make sense to you but many people seem to have forgotten or not like this fact of life. Regardless, the world doesn't care. All it cares about is the number of people you are able to impact. If you are not able to grasp this, the world may seem very unfair to you in the way it chooses whom it gives value to. Think supply and demand. The more scarce and rare something is the more value it has. This is exactly the same way the world works with people as well.
Our version of fair comes from our own beliefs.
Who likes to be right?
I think we all do. We also like to believe that we have the absolute say over what is morally right and wrong. That we are our own judges. We have been taught this since we were born. The difference between what is right and what is wrong, a sense of moral authority. We are our own little gods, deciding in our own minds what is and isn't ok in our own little worlds. What's true for you may not be true for me, and that's ok.
However, the world and reality doesn't play by these rules. I mean think about that, you did your best but you still lost the game. You worked hard, but you didn't get the promotion. You studied hard but you still failed the exam. You love someone but they don't love you back. You cooked that lasagna absolutely perfect yet it still came out burnt. You stopped at the red light, but the person behind you didn't...etc.
These are the realities of life and the world we live in. It is not that the world is unfair, it is that our expectations of what is fair and what is not are slightly distorted. Just because we put a certain amount of effort into something doesn't guarantee the results we are looking for. Effort = X (not necessarily success).
Think about how people tend to hate their bosses, their politicians, their coaches, a crush that doesn't like them back... This is because we perceive ourselves as the all knowing all powerful moral authority in the world and if things don't fit into our view of the world, they must be wrong and unfair. The reality is that these are all people who are likely just trying to do the best they can in their own situation, but since you don't have the vantage point that they do concerning their own lives, their decisions and actions might be deemed unfair to you.
Perhaps that person running the red light was rushing their dying father to the hospital while he was having a heart attack... didn't seem fair to you, but to them it was certainly fair.
Sometimes it is hard to understand, but remember that the actions of others are not some judgement against you. It is simply them trying to do what they think is best for themselves. They may have a long term view in mind when you are looking at short term outcomes. These aren't people out to get you, these are just the byproducts we face from being alive and living in a world with billions of other people trying to do that exact same thing.
Why life can't be fair.
Our idea of fair is totally unobtainable and flat out impossible...
Can you imagine what the world would be like if it was fair to all people everywhere? No one could ever win the lottery because everyone would have to win the lottery. No one could ever lose at anything because that is just not fair. No one could ever be promoted to a higher job position because it might come at the cost of someone else. No relationship could ever end because then it would seem unfair to the other person, so would that mean that no relationships could ever start? Bad things would only happen to bad people and there would be no traffic jams... ever.
Most of us get so hung up on our perceived injustices and spend so much time thinking about how the world has treated us unfairly that we don't see how the world really works. Our time on this earth is short and fleeting. The sooner we are able to see the world for what it is; a giant mass of 6 billion people all competing against one another and mostly looking out for their own self interests, the sooner we are to living a happier and more productive life as individuals.
Hopefully this is able to help some the next time you or someone you knows seems to be caught up in the "life is not fair, everyone is out to get me" downward spiral. The world doesn't owe us anything and we are in charge of our own lives. The sooner we accept that and understand that, the better off we will be!
Live well my friends!
this information was inspired by a blog I read last night: http://oliveremberton.com/2014/the-problem-isnt-that-life-is-unfair-its-your-broken-idea-of-fairness/
Sources:
Image Sources:
http://iusauthor.com/uslugi/neloialna-konkurencia.html
http://www.picturequotes.com/life-isnt-fair-its-just-fairer-than-death-thats-all-quote-61066
http://garyhartfieldstand.com/life-isnt-fair/
http://godhoodism.com/blog/if-life-isnt-fair-then-what-of-death/
Follow: @jrcornel
Thank for the article. I think your argument in general is missing a few things which I want to discuss here.
Fairness comes in different shapes and sizes, and there's a lot of contradiction, it's true. It may not seem fair that you were passed over for a job promotion, even though you worked hard, especially if your colleague was promoted, who you believe does not work as hard as you. This is all to do with your perception, as you have correctly noted, and one's idea that this isn't fair might be to do with a self interest bias, or it may actually be unfair. The idea that fairness is not important here disregards the facts; everyone involved will care about how fair it is.
It is important to defend fairness in other parts of life and I don't think anyone would like to live in a society where there do not exist. The idea of equality, which is to say equal treatment under the law, is an attempt to inshrine fairness into our rule based, often arbitrary laws. When I say equality here I mean it in the broad sense; that if you are tried for a crime, or example, you are entitled to the same due process, state supports, etc. as everybody else. Fairness in dealing with each other, to make contracts, that money will be paid, etc., that's all something we are concern, even obsessed with.
All this is to say that the concept of fairness will not go away simply because it may be an advantage to do it (though I don't believe it is). I would hazard that the only people who could do this are psychopaths, who cannot empathise with others and are notoriously ruthless and self interested. It is a core primate trait. We may evolve it out of us, but there is absolutely no reason to believe that we will, as it is one of the things that binds us to others socially.
To say that "life is a competition" is extremely incomplete. Life is certainly not only a competition. My belief is that the competition we feel in life is sometimes imposed by the structures we have built, such as wage labor and very unequal distribution of resources, but also in the structure of politics, academic institutions, etc.. This is not a fact of life but rather is a product of our society and I would welcome a challenge to that. Because, while we are in competition in some things, we are in cooperation in others. A friendships and family relationships cannot function purely on competition. In there particular cases, they are usually based on cooperation.
In general I think you line of reasoning comes in the tradition of a critique of altruism in organisms, in the writing of Richard Dawkins' "The Selfish Gene". The moral arguments section of the Wikipedia article explains some criticism of it well, one part of which states:
The fact you have written an entire article about it shows that it is a very concerning subject, one which is contradictory and frustrating for many. The urge to try to make things "make sense", line up what does and throw away what doesn't, is strong. But uncomfortable as it is, I believe we all do and must live with the inconsistencies of it, and we live between interpretations. That doesn't mean we can't improve what we do, but throwing the baby out with the bath water isn't the way to go here, and just can't be done.
I think your use of the term "the world" here is ambiguous. If by "the world" you mean the entire physical world, then that world does not care about anything, it's true. But it's not a given that competition will be the prevailing style of interaction between beings, much less humans (though Dawkins would agree with you on it, so you're in good company 🙃) . If by "the world" you mean other people, then I would say that judgement is not homogenous, and I would restate that fairness is a core value of people the world over.
One other thing I would agree with you on is that the western approach to schooling has it's own particular social mythology, and the idea that children shouldn't focus on winning as a primary goal of games and explicit competitions is confusing for them. Just because the games that adults design are deeply unfair, doesn't mean the burden should be put on the child to believe that "there are no winners and losers".
Thanks for prompting a deep think! 😁
flagged to reduce reward given quality/originality issues with the post. also resets the timer giving upvoters more time to remove their votes
Upvoted, resteemed, and followed. And I don't do any of the above lightly.
Haha well thank you then! I feel honored! :)
This reminds me of my kids. One of them loses a toy and suddenly, it's all Dad's fault! From what I've seen, life moves smoothly if you go with the flow rather than trying to fight everything and complain about your luck. Of course, that's easier said than done.
Don't you think that you also have a wrong human-orientated understanding on what success is? I totally agree with you on a point that life is not fair, judged on our rules, though, but it has its own rules and justice is still served. Just another kind of justice.
If you are working hard to become a writer, while you should actually be an ccountant, when life cannot do a thing about it. Only we can pay for our own stupidity
thanks for sharing!
Thats exactly what I had to read right now. Thanks and happy new year
Thanks for reading!
The challenging part is working out a purpose somewhere on the spectrum between "serve yourself to serve others" and "serve others to serve yourself". Let the debate between the philosophers work out which is the appropriate path.
I have always taken this view. If we continually grow our capabilities and perform to those capabilities, the answer becomes clearer faster.
I am suggesting the reading of Love is letting go of fear from Gerald Jampolsky.
Interesting title! Is that a good one?
It is one of the best book I ever read.
I will look into it then. Thanks for the tip!