Opening Up

Greetings everyone,

I know, I know, it has been a while!

What has been going in my personal life,

Well a lot actually, except for building up my company, I am also faced with facing my inner demons and i do not mean some of them, but all of them!

You have a lot of people here posting about how much they travel etc and how beautiful things look.
Ofcourse, we all know better than this that life is not always that way and that we sometimes run or need to experience certain things to learn and to evolve!

Opening up

Opening up, making yourself truly vulnerable to the world. It is an insane challenge, but in the end one that is worth it.
Even if it really hurts making this piece, but I stay determined!

I come from a past, which created an insane thing of low self worth and low self esteem.
I think the people here that are more focused on psychology etc, will directly know where it comes from.

I always focused myself on helping others, because of the Sans that my own life was not worth it at all and that it has never been worth it. I ended up having a lot of friends, not knowing about this or even understanding, let alone family.

So, i always focused my life on pleasing others instead of myself and in the end it brought me a lot of trouble in terms of losing everything i had and that i held close.

But that is another thing that specially if you are very masculine what this does, you start trying to take control of everything around you and start protecting them.
My reason behind it was both to keep people safe, but also to keep myself safe. Specially because at a to young of an age i needed to be a father figure to my 2 little brothers and sister.

Control

In the meanwhile ofcourse, i kept on studying and gathering knowledge, my main reason was, gaining more control.

If i became better then my doctor in his knowledge of health, i can keep people safe.
If i became stronger then other martial artists, i can protect them.
If i became more knowledgeable then the scientists around us, i could solve puzzles others could not to help them.
If i became a magician, i can keep them safe from what is out there and what can do them harm.

Everything i kept on gaining and fueling on my own insanity, was for the sake of control. I could easily plan things 30 steps ahead to keep people safe or guiding them the way into their personal revolution or to get them stuck by themselves, this never has been a good thing, I can say.

Yet, control was only an outing of my low self worth, but it also had a lot of dark points, every bit of knowledge, every bit of my insanity could turn around and face the people i hold dear most. Aka controlling them and this happened 2 times with my life partners in the past.

I was blinded by my own view of being the hero of my story and ended up feeling victimized, I was such a fool.

And i also searched competition and comparisons with myself everywhere and wanted to become better then others.

Eventually, I simply gave up life like Sans did and just focused on raising my 2 little brothers and sister. Having the idea that existence has no use anyway, because it can be taken away anyway.

Inner Fire

Earlier on this year i started to find my core or what they call in my world True Will or core values (for other life coaches), it was the opposite of how i always have lived, THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE!

This fire i could not contain it, it had a Will of it's own and i had no control over it, it kept on hopping around and forcing me to do things beyond my control.

It kept on forcing me things, even now like always feeling that i want to give up.

Yet, i can't. This fire hurts once i start to even think about quitting, then i found some outer proof of my route that I had taken some different steps.

I will keep the outer proof for myself, if you have read my other pieces, you will understand.

Since that moment, time after time, i wanted to quit and i am being forced beyond my control to continue on and not to give up, while my Ego and low self esteem are saying, fuck it. I don't want to anymore, it is not worth it anyway!

I keep on trying to find different ways on how to control this flame and the outer proof, which is bad, very bad and stupid. I keep on using my own fears to stay in a certain level. This is the hardest battle i have fought, yet it is time that I take a gigantic step forward.

And this is that step, by telling about it and writing about it.

Trust me this is not easy, this goes with every bit of fear that i have in my body, not the fear of being judged, but the fear of not having the control of what others have to say.

But the next step is letting go of the backpack of my past and moving on forward and the only way to do it is making myself showing vulnerable towards the world and walking through it with pride!
And stop being the victim that i used to be, keep on walking and growing!

Surrendering to the route i need to walk in life, i am starting slowly, bit by bit of letting go of control.
And by surrendering, setting myself free!

My advice to you:
Find what you truly value and build yourself around that, it does not work the other way around!