SYMBOLS of TRIUMPH and CHANGE

“Abuse and neglect negate love. Care and affirmation, the opposite of abuse and humiliation, are the foundation of love. No one can rightfully claim to be loving when behaving abusively.” — Bell Hooks

It may take months, years or a lifetime to realise this but all of that becomes irrelevant once you do...

Go ahead and sell me out, and I'll lay your ship bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you - Adele

There must be a million jokes and memes about this woman, but DAMN! Has she got a voice on her! And she sings with SO much passion and conviction!

This song in particular, holds a “special” place within me.

It takes me back quite a few years… to when my marriage was about to end. At the time it represented a lot of the hurt I was feeling... but now, it represents the complete opposite to me. It is symbolic of how far I have come and how much I have grown...

I have made mention of this time in my life a few times in previous posts. It was NOT a good time!

Have you ever felt SO trapped, so alone, so frustrated and bitter that you actually sabotaged your own life, because that was the only way you saw “an out”? – well that was what I did.

I was married to a complete sociopath!

Yes, yes, I know that is not “PC” these days… but you can go and complain to somebody that cares, because that is what he was - and painting it as anything else would be a lie!

If you are not familiar with what the term means… you can read more here: http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

I can remember VERY clearly, the day I “lost my sh#t”.

When I fell pregnant, I very strongly considered aborting my child, because I KNEW what I would be bringing him into – an abusive marriage and a VERY toxic relationship! - And at that point, I was SO BROKEN that I did not know how to get out of it! That was the first time, after 8 years of marriage that my mother was made aware of what was going on in my world. My mother is and always has been, my best friend. I confided in her with absolutely everything… and this was a VERY PERTINENT decision to make – I NEEDED her help!

The result of that decision goes without saying... I am blessed with the most AMAZING little boy!!!

As for the rest of the story, well – it was not quite as pretty - until it ended of course.

It eventually got to a point that I would deliberately start fights with him in the hopes that he would LEAVE! As cowardly as this may seem, the way I see it now, it took a fair amount of courage really... because picking a fight with him would mean that I would land up physically injured.

That man, hurt me SO much, SO often and on SO many levels that I do not even remember all of the occasions I was abused.

Once, he punched so hard that he cracked my ribs. After hours of sobbing for the event itself I realised that I probably needed to go get X-rays... but there was nobody I could call. I could not tell anybody what had happened... so I called him, out of desperation - he told me to "go f-myself" - not surprising I guess.

On one of the countless other occasions, he punched me in the face... the next day, his parents arrived unexpectedly... I didn't want to come out of the bedroom because I was completely humiliated... he made me do it. It was a moment I will never forget. Both his mother and father looked at me as if they could not see the black eye on my face. I could not believe that they disregarded it like that. funny though... after our divorce, his mother phoned me and mentioned that day, apologizing for not saying or doing anything. A moment never to be forgotten, or understood for that matter.

I will NEVER forget how broken I was as an individual. Those kinds of things heal like bad skin burns… there is always that little sight of it left to remind you of what you learnt.

It is amazing how you can look back at photos, and see things, that you simply did not see at the time. Take my eyes in this photo for instance... they are dead! and simultaneously FILLED with pain. I had never noticed that before.

When I was about 7 months pregnant I decided to start working from home, as it was simply easier. In the few short months that I was gone, my husband robbed my business blind, started an affair and basically left me standing alone, looking around going – is this a blessing or a curse?!

The funny thing about abusive relationships, is that even though you KNOW that person is bad for you… somehow, you always stick around for more! They grind away at your character slowly and steadily until you reach a point of no return… ultimately dependant on their abuse for validation.

Sickly tainted "rose tinted glasses" if you will... but eventually, that wore thin...

Home, alone – 8 months pregnant… no husband present – and I knew precisely what was unfolding. He was out with his "new lady". He would turn his phone off, so was completely un-contactable (clearly nobody ever taught this guy that you don't mess with a pregnant woman lol) but no, seriously- Did it make me angry? Of course it did! It made me beyond angry! It absolutely FILLED me with RAGE! What kind of husband does that to his heavily pregnant wife, or... even wife in general!

There I sat… BROKEN and discarded and there he was – out courting his new endeavor... with the money from MY business!

Being a little tech savvy, the next day I found a “multi-logon” app for skype and I logged on to his account. I had set it up for him, so I knew the login details. I sat there for about two hours and watched the conversation with one of a few women unfold…

Never in my life have I been filled with more disgust at someone. I simply could NOT believe the way he was speaking about me and the lies he was telling them about – his wife! And now the mother of his child!

Well, THAT was the day I lost my sh#t!

I put Jude in his pram and walked to my shop and when I got there, I parked Jude’s pram, walked in and threw everything but the office stapler at him… customers present and all. Police were threatening to arrest me and so forth... It was an ugly moment… but a VERY necessary one!

Within minutes he had called my family, telling them how I was “behaving”.

My brothers got there faster than any armed response team I have ever met. Lol

We went to our home and sat to “talk it out” – By the end of the afternoon, that man had actually managed to sway my brothers and my father in his favour. So much so, that they even told him that if he has any more issues with me, he was to call them.

Well, to be frank, that sight and sound only broke me more, so I did not even BOTHER defending myself.

They were all I had left really, so in that instant, I felt completely alone.

I said nothing. Nodded and allowed the talk to reach completion.

Needless to say that as the weeks ahead unfolded, it became apparent that what they had been fed was utter rubbish. He packed his bags and left – despite their emphasis on the fact that leaving a first time mother with a new born in such an emotional state is NOT something that ANY REAL MAN would do to his wife.

On his way he went… and he never came back.

Well, as I stand here now, I will say two words to that…

THANK YOU!!!!

I never realised what a blessing, him leaving was – until he was gone!

He left when Jude was 2 months old. Jude turns 8 in two weeks and that man… that PERSON… has literally spent the last 8 years trying to worm his way back into our lives!

I remember the words of my father at the time of my divorce… he said to me...

“Jayne – mark my words – it may take 6 months it might take a year, but this guy has no idea what he is doing and he is going to come begging at your door – and when he does, make sure you are strong enough to turn him away, because he does not deserve you!”

Well… almost prophetically – it took, precisely 6 months!

To date he has never stopped voicing his regret and how much he misses me, and despite being re-married to his third wife, with his fourth child, I feel sorry for him – and even MORE so for her!

She is disrespected every day as his partner and wife, simply by how much he vocalises his regret with regards to our marriage and she deserves better than that! (Much as I did!)

He has NEVER stopped persisting with me, but I am so happy to say that I have never caved…

I WAS his WIFE! I was his partner! He ABUSED me! He DISCARDED me and DISRESPECTED me and I am VERY happy to be able to stand here now and say that I NOW know (because I didn’t always) that I DESERVE BETTER!!!!

It took many years, but I no longer feel ANYTHING for him. Not love, not affection, not anger, not lust - NOTHING!

This was the one person, that completely BROKE me… but ultimately MADE me.

For that, I am eternally GRATEFUL!

Yes, I will forever carry the scars of what he did to me physically, emotionally and mentally – but I am a stronger and better person for it - every day!

After all those moments where I sat alone, so completely alone – wondering how I could EVER survive without him, HE, at the end of the day is the one who will live the rest of his life with the weight of regret on his broken wings, whilst he watches me begin to soar.

Life does not always pan out precisely the way we want.

I did not get married to get divorced. I did not get married to get abused.

But, here I stand… Married, Abused, Divorced – and still VERY much alive and kicking! LOVING my life more so than I EVER did before… because now I have PERSPECTIVE!

And for that… I am BLESSED!

When my life started "changing", I started MARKING those events by way of tattoos. I have a symbol to represent every CHANGING / CHALLENGING point in my life which I have overcome. I hold each and every one of those symbols, VERY close to my heart!

Haven't added any in a good few years, and if I ever do... it will be for GOOD reason :)

Until next time...

Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx

#thealliance