Not So Common Sense, Lesson 4 : How to Make Friends

Making friends is easy, right?

Well, maybe not.

Let me explain...

Why Making Friends is Hard Sometimes

I'm the first one to admit, I don't have many friends. I know a lot of people, yes. I'm a great networker! But, can I really call any of those acquaintances my friends?

Most people have an agenda when they meet you. And, like most people so do I, and so do you, even if you don't know it. We all want something! We all want acceptance, love, validation, approval, support, and encouragement. We want friends who believe in us.

Well, that takes time. Before someone can believe in you, they need to know you. REALLY know you. Or else, their attitude towards you will change like the wind, until one day the decide they are on your team or off to join another one. Time however is something most of us don't think we have. We want it NOW!

We want a friend when we're bored, have a lot to vent about, need help, or don't want to go it alone. But, that's not what friends are for. Good friends are people we grow and share things with because we care about them, we want what's best for them, and we genuinely give a damb.

Unlike the many people we spend time with to:

1. Get popular
2. Live on their success ($$$)
3. Advance our career

There is a difference between having an agenda and using people. Using people is not friendly. And, in this day and age where it's every man/woman for him/her self, it's no wonder we are using people like play toys.

The main agenda everyone has is love. Either wanting to give it or get it. Both are great! Only sometimes, we confuse our need for love with our wanting to use people.

How Am I Not Making Friends, I'm So Nice!

Are you though? Are you being honest?

The nice one's are the ones I look out for the most. You nice people tend to have the deepest agendas. Have you ever asked yourself why you are so nice? Is it because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings? Or step on anyone's toes? Or let them see what dark things you actually think about them?

Well, guess what! That's being dishonest. Not all nice people are this way, some actually mean it. But, I'm talking about the "nice" people who don't have friends. Hmmmm... sounds fishy huh. It is. I used to be one of those. I was nice because I wanted something. I wanted love, or acceptance, or validation, or or or.... and those are not bad things to want. Except, It alienated me because I was "needy" and "too nice".... both things to explain why no one wanted to spend time with me. Sorry.

4 Ways to Make Real Friends

1- Be honest, get vulnerable. Share what you really think, want and need. This is a great way to connect with people in a similar place in life and build a friendship based on your mutual understanding of what it's like to share the same experiences in life.

Once I called a girl I worked with a bitch, not in a mean way, more of "I'd like you to know I think you are a bitch, and that's why it's hard to work with you." It was great, we were best friends after that, because I stopped holding it in and just letting her know when she was too bossy. Plus, she loved it! She thought it was great, and appreciate my honesty.

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2- Think about the other person. Take time out of your busy day to call and check on them, see how they are feeling, and find out if they need anything. It's a big lonely world when we are all wrapped up in our own stuff!

You know you are on someone's mind when they call, text and reach out to you regularly. When you fall off their radar, it's hard to feel connected and comfortable reaching out to someone who isn't there. Be that person for others, and soon they will do the same for you. It's how friendship works!

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3- Get out and try something new. Get out of your comfort zone! Maybe you will meet an unlikely friend, someone you wouldn't have otherwise ran into in your current circles. This is a great way to level up your friendships, meeting people who are dancing to different tune and learning to enjoy and accept new parts of yourself in the process!

Join a yoga studio or recreation sport league.. or knitting club, whatever, just get out there! You won't make friends sitting at home. Unless you live outside where passing traffic can keep you company. Better to be pro-active, and get do it with some sass. Maybe you never took a bellydance class, or joined a meditation group, likelyhood is, people are going to be there who are in the same boat! Bam. Instant friends!

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4- Listen. Learn to just listen and stop talking about yourself. When people feel understood and listened to, they feel comfortable and more likely to open up deeper with you. When you listen you're making space for them to see you as their friend, too.

Try to not say anything, even when there is silence.. let there be silence! If your talking at someone shy, they are not going to cut you off. So, learn to dance in a conversation and lead by making space for someone else to share. You don't even have to ask questions. Just listen, they will start talking about whatever it is that they need to. And, you can be there to support them.

Easier Said Than Done

Seems like common sense, but it's not. So many people live alone, work alone, and die alone. It's a product of our society, the hustle, insecurity, depression, and on and on... Yet, following any of the 4 ways I listed above is a sure way to start making friends and making the world a better place. It worked for me. :)

MUCH LOVE!

Check out my most recent post on LIVING ART... It's a great way to make friends with me!! :) Supporting each other in this community is all about commenting and building rapport. So, show me something you want me to support you with, and I'll keep letting you know how much I appreciate your friendship!

CLICK HERE TO SEE ME PLAY IN THE MUD!
https://steemit.com/art/@jacquelyne/living-art-video-4-return-to-earth