THE JOYS OF GOING ON HOLIDAY

Going on holiday should be something we all should look forward to , however the preparation involved can become overwhelming and not very enjoyable.

Before we travel we carry out our usual checks for passport , money, all our travel documents and pack our suitcases ready for that trip to the airport. Having allowed for traffic jams and road works which are inevitable in our over-crammed roads in Britain we finally arrive at the airport parking.

We disembark with what should be a 5 minute trip to the terminal having taken 10 minutes to load your cases on to the bus and now you feel quite exhausted.

You then look out of the window and instead of a peaceful quick trip you realise that this bus is now going to give you a tour of the airport grounds having stopped at every terminal and you guessed it . Your terminal is last.

Once you have arrived you drag your cases to check in where you are asked questions about your cases and whether you packed these yourself. Once accepted you decide that you now need to go to duty free and for a drink in the bar before your flight but you realise before you can do this you have to through security check in.

Once you have made your way to the check in you now join the meandering queue and wait again for at least 30 minutes.

Finally you arrive at the scanners undoing your belt, watch, any coat and shoes you have on and place them in the provided tray. Any electronic devices such as a mobile or laptop are also placed in a separate tray.

You are kept waiting again because the person in front of you is an idiot and just been told that they can't take that bottle of pop through and they are making a scene and consequently holding up all the other passengers.

You now go through security with your hands in the air and are frisked in case you are carrying a bomb. You think to yourself before 9/11 you could go through in minutes but thanks to these wonderful Muslim people they have wasted 2 hours of your life.

Now...Success

You have finally made it and now it only takes you 15 minutes to put back your documents , passport , put on your shoes, watch and belt and you are away.

At this time you are worn out and decide to have a drink in the bar and then do some duty free shopping before you fly.

This time every thing goes smoothly and as you are looking around the flight notice board now says to go to your gate number. You look around to which direction this is and leaving plenty of time proceed to your gate and arrive 30 minutes later exhausted as you didn't realise that your gate was a mile away.

You then sit patiently for another 30 minutes until called for your flight. In this time you are observing other passengers that will be on your flight but suddenly you have a dreadful thought.

Having looked around you see a lot of people with vacant stares and think how many morons are going to the same place as you are and then you spot … Yes The fat bastard. Weighing nearly 20 stones.

You pray to god they are not sitting next to you.Further observations make you realise that the majority on this flight are morbidly obese and dread them sitting beside you.

You eventually enter the plane being greeted by your air attendant and directed to your seat.

You now sit patiently watching with interest what is coming down the isle and pray .. not me,, not me,,

By this time you feel better that most of these fat people have sat somewhere else but just when you start to relax you see an enormous creature leering towards you and you guessed it they are going to be sat beside you. The creature now sits down half in her seat and half on top of you.

You are trapped and you know that you will have to cross your legs if you could as you cant get out and will have to endure this for the length of the flight.

Once you are airborne you decide that you will sleep if you can but suddenly you have been spoken to by the monster sitting beside you making pleasantries.

You feel your skin tingling and your mouth swallowing as this person has walrus breath. Not only is she fat and basically sitting on top of you but now breathing into your face and has halitosis.

Having arrived safely you disembark off the aircraft and make your way for half a mile to the reclaim baggage area. You stand patiently watching cases go round and round sadly with no sight of your own.You wait another 15 minutes and more cases start arriving and then you spot yours.

You now take your cases and proceed to passport control where you wait in another queue for what seems to be an eternity until you arrive at the desk. Your immigration officer then looks at you and then your picture with suspicion and after a few questions that omit that you are not a terrorist you are allowed to come through.

Once you are on your bus to take you to your Hotel you ponder “is this a holiday or an endurance test”.